(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee

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interchangeable: I’m dying!

“Calm your tits people”

You might be my new favorite poster 🙂

 

Post # 77
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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Daisy_Mae:  Oh god, I’m just picturing the squalor now.  Eeek!  Seems like a bad bad movie.  Or that episode of Friends when Ross dates the slob. 😛  (Thanks Netflix!)

Post # 78
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

Does the OP have an update tho?

Post # 79
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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KC-2722:  But if one person is always “the noticer” and the other is the “what mess?” type, it doesn’t end up being fair. One shouldn’t do everything just because they don’t want to live in the other’s filth.

ITA that these are conditioned (and somewhat inherent) traits, and not biological gender roles. In our case, Darling Husband was raised by two people who keep an immaculate home. When we bought our place, Mother-In-Law was telling me how I should clean the beveled parts of the door every other week. I kept a straight face, did the smile and nod act, but in reality, not happening. I come from a home that isn’t filthy by any means, but there’s clutter, and our door crevices aren’t dusted 26 times a year. So our inherent tendencies (him: OCD, me: ADD) combined with different standards, well, it has been an issue in our 6 weeks of living together. I totally see clutter; I’m not stupid or blind. It simply doesn’t bother me. Dirt? Has to go! Clutter? Not a problem for me.

Post # 80
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

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interchangeable:  I think you just won the Bee. high five!

Post # 81
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

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trytobeeanon:  I suspect your husband has a mild form of Autism and you should make him see a professional for a true diagnosis and help, at the very least he’s got a severe anxiety disorder. Please do NOT buy a house or have children with this man unless BIG changes are made! And if he’s not willing to get help, you should leave him! for your own happiness and sanity

Post # 82
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

I am sorry you are in this situation, OP. I think that 

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NowMrsS:  hit the nail on the head! This seems like a great way to approach the situation. 

Post # 83
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This thread is ridic. 

If you are being truthful, and stress causes him/you that many problems, I would say he probably needs to go to a doctor. There are so many anxiety and stress disorders, and it sounds like he might have one. 

Also, marriage is about work. You can’t just decide to throw the towel in and that’s that. Try counseling, therapy. No man is going to be perfect. There are things that are going to suck. But don’t just give up.

Post # 84
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

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interchangeable:  hell to the yeah. It infuriates me when men say they are ‘helping’ out around the house or ‘babysitting’ their own kids. Your responsibilities too!!

Post # 85
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There are differences not only between men and women but more accurately everybody is different.

Some people see dust and wipe dust off, some people seem to be blind to dust, don’t care about dust and won’t wipe dust of a surface unless you ask them.

Just like some people are amazing at keeping a house clean and doing everything it takes, but are less aware of people’s emotional needs (like ”she might need a hug”) and they might need reminding about that.

I think a lot of posters are being harsh, this guy doesn’t sound like a bad guy, he just sounds like someone who is not compatible with the OP without a lot of communicating and maybe therapy.

I dunno, I mean, my husband does some stuff around the house automatically without thinking about it and I do different things around the house automatically without thinking about it.. He tends to do wayy more cooking than me and I do wayy more vacuuming and ironing. But if I ask him to vacuum he will, and if he asks me to cook then I will.

But if you don’t ask someone to do something and don’t communicate what you need then people are not mind readers!!

For example my proposal – I didn’t care about a fancy proposal and my husband proposed on the couch on a regular weekday. But if I had cared about a fancy proposal and hadn’t communicatted that to my husband, it would be my fault for not communicating, not his fault for not reading my mind.

What I’m trying to say is that people are not mind readers and people very often do not notice the same things as you notice. So if you need something, ASK for it. If you ask and don’t get it, then you have a problem. But if you don’t ask, then it’s YOUR problem for not communicating your needs.

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