(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decisionposted 5 years ago in Emotional
- 5 years ago
Does the OP have an update tho?
- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2015
ITA that these are conditioned (and somewhat inherent) traits, and not biological gender roles. In our case, Darling Husband was raised by two people who keep an immaculate home. When we bought our place, Mother-In-Law was telling me how I should clean the beveled parts of the door every other week. I kept a straight face, did the smile and nod act, but in reality, not happening. I come from a home that isn’t filthy by any means, but there’s clutter, and our door crevices aren’t dusted 26 times a year. So our inherent tendencies (him: OCD, me: ADD) combined with different standards, well, it has been an issue in our 6 weeks of living together. I totally see clutter; I’m not stupid or blind. It simply doesn’t bother me. Dirt? Has to go! Clutter? Not a problem for me.
- 5 years ago
- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2017
This thread is ridic.
If you are being truthful, and stress causes him/you that many problems, I would say he probably needs to go to a doctor. There are so many anxiety and stress disorders, and it sounds like he might have one.
Also, marriage is about work. You can’t just decide to throw the towel in and that’s that. Try counseling, therapy. No man is going to be perfect. There are things that are going to suck. But don’t just give up.
- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
There are differences not only between men and women but more accurately everybody is different.
Some people see dust and wipe dust off, some people seem to be blind to dust, don’t care about dust and won’t wipe dust of a surface unless you ask them.
Just like some people are amazing at keeping a house clean and doing everything it takes, but are less aware of people’s emotional needs (like ”she might need a hug”) and they might need reminding about that.
I think a lot of posters are being harsh, this guy doesn’t sound like a bad guy, he just sounds like someone who is not compatible with the OP without a lot of communicating and maybe therapy.
I dunno, I mean, my husband does some stuff around the house automatically without thinking about it and I do different things around the house automatically without thinking about it.. He tends to do wayy more cooking than me and I do wayy more vacuuming and ironing. But if I ask him to vacuum he will, and if he asks me to cook then I will.
But if you don’t ask someone to do something and don’t communicate what you need then people are not mind readers!!
For example my proposal – I didn’t care about a fancy proposal and my husband proposed on the couch on a regular weekday. But if I had cared about a fancy proposal and hadn’t communicatted that to my husband, it would be my fault for not communicating, not his fault for not reading my mind.
What I’m trying to say is that people are not mind readers and people very often do not notice the same things as you notice. So if you need something, ASK for it. If you ask and don’t get it, then you have a problem. But if you don’t ask, then it’s YOUR problem for not communicating your needs.
- 5 years ago
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. Based on the responses, I realize I should’ve chosen my words more carefully – my husband and I have had many discussions about how I feel I take on the lion’s share of tasks and he acknowledges that this is unfair and urges me to tell him what needs to be done. When I do ask him to take out the trash, vaccum, do laundry, etc. he does it willingly and without complaint. If we have dinner together (which is only about once a week, as he skips dinner on weekdays), he cooks with me or if I make the meal alone, he does dishes. I think perhaps Daisy_Mae summed it up the best – I am type A who is unfortunately married to type D but wishes I were married to type C. In other words, my husband wants me to nag him but I hate doing it and wish he was somebody who is more aware of this type of stuff. But he isn’t and that sucks. So while I don’t think this is something worth dissolving our marriage over, it is daunting to know I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it is something I’m struggling to come to terms with. As some of the posters have suggested, I do agree that some things he can be “trained” to do, just because repetition will often create a habit (like if I remind him to take out trash every Friday, eventually he’ll start doing it on his own without reminder), but I realize if there is something I need for him to do off script (like if the house is burning down and I need him to save certain items), he won’t be able to figure it out unless I am very specific. A couple posters asked why I married him/what good qualities he has. Ironically, the parts I like about him are also the ones that cause these issues between us. My husband is a very straightforward, ‘takes everything at face value’ kind of person. This also means that he is not intuitive, ‘anticipate your needs’ kind of partner. I wish he was, and he wishes he was for my sake, but he’s not and I don’t think that’s something you can really change about yourself.
Some of you mentioned that it sounds like he has an anxiety disorder. I’ve actually never considered this before because he’s usually so calm (because he’s able to dismiss whatever is stressing him out). I’ll keep this in mind.
And I think perhaps I should clarify my comment about realizing he would not be a good partner to have children with. Given that a lot about taking care of a small, helpless human being who can’t speak is anticipating their needs, I don’t think his personality is suited toward it. But maybe he would figure it out, I don’t know. This isn’t the sole reason why I think children aren’t a good decision for us – I see the working mothers with school aged children in my office and their lives are tough. Then I see the working mothers with newborns in my office and realize that their lives are even tougher. I am starting to think I don’t want that life for myself. Combine that with the fact that I’m not sure what type of parents we would be, I feel like children aren’t a good decision.
Our talk last night was productive. He actually started the conversation with acknowledging that we were having a rough time but we agreed that it was growing pains of being newlyweds and that we were willing to figure them out. He framed our problem in a way I hadn’t thought of before – that we assign different priorities to the same task (everything is urgent to me, nothing is urgent to him) and if it’s something I really can’t wait and set aside, I need to be more vocal and make him see that it is urgent rather than just going ahead and doing it myself. And that he needs to work on not feeling defensive and hear me out. We have a lot of work ahead of us and I know it will take time. Thanks for listening, it helped immensely to hear your stories and advice.
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