(Closed) Married 3 weeks. First argument brewing over inlaws and money!

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You two need to get on the same page with finances. You should be a team, he shouldn’t give money to his family if you’re not ok with it, ESPECIALLY because you’re in debt. Can you try to talk to him about it again? Since you know it’s such an issue, be sure to approach him cautiously. For example: “I really admire how much you care for your family. You have such a big heart and I really appreciate that. I’m worried that we need to pay our medical bills though, how can we solve this problem?” 

Post # 4
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You really should have talked about this before. But I think you need to tell him: no lending money to family members. Ever. No exceptions.

Post # 6
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

But “legitimate” is hard to quantify, which is why I think “never ever” is a better rule. I’m a believer that once you marry you are independent, leave your old family behind, and start a new family. In 20+ years of marriage we’ve never once borrowed or lent money to/from any family member. (Except for trivial things like buying a meal). Obviously there are the very rare exceptions (like life saving medical treatment which can’t be paid for any other way), but with a blanket “no lending” rule your husband might find it easier to deal with his family

Post # 8
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

They are using the HELL out of him.

The worse part about it is that no one sees it that way because they’re all family and love each other. I don’t know how you fix that. He’s gotta put a foot down and say no, especially if you do not agree. 

Post # 9
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Honestly, this is an issue that should have been addressed waaaaay before the wedding. This is going to be a hard habit to change unless you have financial control. I would suggest going to a few counseling sessions so you can have someone with no dog in the game guide you through a plan that works for both of you. 

Personally, I refrain from lending to family because I value the relationships too much. Your husband is probably one of those extremely nice good-hearted people, which in many ways is wonderful. But he has to respect you and your marriage. 

and just a thought for the brother who pretends to need groceries. Next time it happens you guys say you’re happy to help and then give him a gift card to a local grocery store. He can’t get mad- he needs groceries, right??? No more cash for him!

Post # 10
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You really need to sit down and talk with him about this because this will ruin your relationship. My fiance was giving his parents a lot of money until we sat down and talked about it. Everything is good now.

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sit down and plan out a long-term budget that includes saving for a house, getting out of debt, etc.  Then take a look at your immediate budget and how much flex you have.

Agree that you will wait one week on any big financial decisions such as giving money to family members.  In that time, he can try to research whether they really need the money or if they are just playing him.  It also take pressure off to say yes immediately.  You guys can sit down and rationally think about it.

When they ask for money for something specific, try to give in the nature of the request.  As one poster suggested, give a grocery gift card rather than cash.  Perhaps invite them over for dinner so they can get a meal and send them home with lots of leftovers (and in the meantime, find out what the real story is).  Pay off the hospital bill directly.  Or better yet – figure out how to help them that doesn’t involve giving money always.  For example, tell them you’d be delighted to help teach them how to coupon and menu plan.  Say the kids are welcome at your house if they need to get a second job, etc.

As he starts to help in ways other than how they hope (e.g. giving cash) I bet the requests will stop.

But…I also agree with another poster that I am surprised you didn’t discuss this sooner.  It’s a hard change for him to make to say no to them.

 

Post # 12
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

I can understand your frustration completely because this type of behaviour is beyond rude.  It doesn’t matter if you do have a frigging money tree out back, it’s your money and there are no obligations to share.

While I am agreeing that your husband’s family is behaving badly, the crux of the problem is that he is allowing them to do so.  At some point he’s going to have to realize that being the hero is answering a need in him to be perceived as such, and that he now has the responsibility of being your hero first.

Post # 13
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Fiance comes from a family of gamblers, and since he was/is the only one that has a job, he was lending them money all the time! It was ridiculous! He even continued to pay his mother board for 6 months after he moved in with me.

It took awhile to convince him to stop, because he was being used. He has now, but his family knows when he gets paid and still ask… When I’m not around. They know better than to ask when im within earshot. I just wish they knew better than to ask at all! Just because we’re working doesn’t mean we’re loaded.

Post # 14
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

can you convince him to let you take over the finances, then the desision isnt down to him.

Post # 15
Member
327 posts
Helper bee

you should talk with him, or maybe you should separate your finances, and each of you contribute a percentage of your income for savings and household expenses,and tell him that, the money can not be loaned to anyone else.

 

i learned from long ago not to borrow money to families, they just take advantage of you. my family is not wealthy but we just spend on something that we can afford, while when others saw this they think we are very wealthy, and always ask to borrow money. the thing is not the money but they just will not repay it or you have to ask them even though they got the money. don’t worry, it happens in every families. 

Post # 16
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

So the two of you should have a monthly buget that includes all expenses including retirement and general savings money that only the two of you get to decide what to do with. Outside of that you should each get your own amount of pocket money. If hubbs wants to spend all his pocket money on his family so be it, it’s his and he can do whatever he wants with it. This takes it out of the realm of being your problem.

 

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