Post # 1
DH and I were dating 5 years before we got married 3 weeks ago. We really stayed out of what the other did with money. Now that we are married, I think we need to discuss finances before spending. We are not living paycheck to paycheck but we’re not super comfortable.
He has dished out so much money to family members this year it is driving me crazy. His brother called and said he needed money for medical reason. He sent it to him. While speaking with his other brother, he found out it was a lie. Then the same brother is going through a seperation with his wife and she left him with the kids. He called saying he needed money to feed the kids. DH sent the money only to find out the next week he was on a guys trip with 2 of their other brothers. No one didn’t even bother to invite DH. Then mothers day he gave his mom $600 as a present. I told him not to do it because she is to old and if someone said they need something, she will give it to them. He said no they wouldn’t do that to her. A month later she was calling him for more money. We both concluded that is was for his brother going through the seperation. Everyone has caught on to his little game but of course mom hearing her grandkids have no food is going to continue to give him money.
We got married at a mansion and it looked as if we spent a shit load of money but we didn’t. I’m thinking his family was thinking we have a lot of money or something. We paid for his mom’s room for the wedding. DH sister had to stay in the room with her and so did his sister’s kids. It was a suite so everyone was comfortable. We had to pay for his brother and his kids room as well. Even though we paid the bill, they still sent a bill to the room with a 0 balance. So the sister saw that we paid almost $400 for the room and she knew that we paid for 2 other rooms as well. Only one person in DH family gave us a card.
A week ago, DH sister called and wants to borrow 2k. I’m like we just got married, we paid for their rooms, you have 3 kids you are paying child support for, a kid in college, you’ve already given about 1500 between June and now, why the hell do they think we have that kind of money just waiting for them to call!? It’s not something important that she wants.
So DH called and told her that the wedding cost more than expected and that he didn’t have all the money right this second to give. She told him she’ll take whatever he has. He doesn’t want to tell her no so he is giving it to her. I am beyond pissed. DH got sick earlier in our relationship and didn’t have insurance and has hospital and doctor bills on his credit. I’m like that 2K call pay on one of those bills. We need to buy a bigger house and we can’t with all those bills on your credit.
I’m all for helping family, but they are taking advantage of him. We got into a heated discussion today but I ended it before it turned into an argument. I know by Christmas they are going to be calling for more money again.
If you’ve made it this far, Thanks! I just had to get it out.
Post # 3
You two need to get on the same page with finances. You should be a team, he shouldn’t give money to his family if you’re not ok with it, ESPECIALLY because you’re in debt. Can you try to talk to him about it again? Since you know it’s such an issue, be sure to approach him cautiously. For example: “I really admire how much you care for your family. You have such a big heart and I really appreciate that. I’m worried that we need to pay our medical bills though, how can we solve this problem?”
Post # 4
You really should have talked about this before. But I think you need to tell him: no lending money to family members. Ever. No exceptions.
Post # 5
If it was something legitimate, I would be fine with it but it’s not. I learned a long time ago, never loan someone money if you can’t afford to give it to them. No one in his family has ever repaid him since we’ve been together. The reason I know they are playing him is because he has a brother in the same hometown and only has 1 son and has a very good job. He makes more than DH. They never ask him for money because he knows about their lies. Everytime him and DH are speaking and DH brings something up that one of the other siblings have told him to get money, he always tell DH the truth. Its just so frustrating. I am going to print out his credit report to show him all of the stuff that needs to be paid before we can purchase another house.
Post # 6
But “legitimate” is hard to quantify, which is why I think “never ever” is a better rule. I’m a believer that once you marry you are independent, leave your old family behind, and start a new family. In 20+ years of marriage we’ve never once borrowed or lent money to/from any family member. (Except for trivial things like buying a meal). Obviously there are the very rare exceptions (like life saving medical treatment which can’t be paid for any other way), but with a blanket “no lending” rule your husband might find it easier to deal with his family
Post # 7
@paula1248: I total agree with you. I think he enjoys being”Captain Save Em.” He really needs to grow a pair. I think after the wedding they think we have a tree out back that we just go pick money from when needed.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
They are using the HELL out of him.
The worse part about it is that no one sees it that way because they’re all family and love each other. I don’t know how you fix that. He’s gotta put a foot down and say no, especially if you do not agree.
Post # 9
Honestly, this is an issue that should have been addressed waaaaay before the wedding. This is going to be a hard habit to change unless you have financial control. I would suggest going to a few counseling sessions so you can have someone with no dog in the game guide you through a plan that works for both of you.
Personally, I refrain from lending to family because I value the relationships too much. Your husband is probably one of those extremely nice good-hearted people, which in many ways is wonderful. But he has to respect you and your marriage.
and just a thought for the brother who pretends to need groceries. Next time it happens you guys say you’re happy to help and then give him a gift card to a local grocery store. He can’t get mad- he needs groceries, right??? No more cash for him!
Post # 10
You really need to sit down and talk with him about this because this will ruin your relationship. My fiance was giving his parents a lot of money until we sat down and talked about it. Everything is good now.
Post # 11
Sit down and plan out a long-term budget that includes saving for a house, getting out of debt, etc. Then take a look at your immediate budget and how much flex you have.
Agree that you will wait one week on any big financial decisions such as giving money to family members. In that time, he can try to research whether they really need the money or if they are just playing him. It also take pressure off to say yes immediately. You guys can sit down and rationally think about it.
When they ask for money for something specific, try to give in the nature of the request. As one poster suggested, give a grocery gift card rather than cash. Perhaps invite them over for dinner so they can get a meal and send them home with lots of leftovers (and in the meantime, find out what the real story is). Pay off the hospital bill directly. Or better yet – figure out how to help them that doesn’t involve giving money always. For example, tell them you’d be delighted to help teach them how to coupon and menu plan. Say the kids are welcome at your house if they need to get a second job, etc.
As he starts to help in ways other than how they hope (e.g. giving cash) I bet the requests will stop.
But…I also agree with another poster that I am surprised you didn’t discuss this sooner. It’s a hard change for him to make to say no to them.
Post # 12
I can understand your frustration completely because this type of behaviour is beyond rude. It doesn’t matter if you do have a frigging money tree out back, it’s your money and there are no obligations to share.
While I am agreeing that your husband’s family is behaving badly, the crux of the problem is that he is allowing them to do so. At some point he’s going to have to realize that being the hero is answering a need in him to be perceived as such, and that he now has the responsibility of being your hero first.
Post # 13
Fiance comes from a family of gamblers, and since he was/is the only one that has a job, he was lending them money all the time! It was ridiculous! He even continued to pay his mother board for 6 months after he moved in with me.
It took awhile to convince him to stop, because he was being used. He has now, but his family knows when he gets paid and still ask… When I’m not around. They know better than to ask when im within earshot. I just wish they knew better than to ask at all! Just because we’re working doesn’t mean we’re loaded.
Post # 14
can you convince him to let you take over the finances, then the desision isnt down to him.
Post # 15
you should talk with him, or maybe you should separate your finances, and each of you contribute a percentage of your income for savings and household expenses,and tell him that, the money can not be loaned to anyone else.
i learned from long ago not to borrow money to families, they just take advantage of you. my family is not wealthy but we just spend on something that we can afford, while when others saw this they think we are very wealthy, and always ask to borrow money. the thing is not the money but they just will not repay it or you have to ask them even though they got the money. don’t worry, it happens in every families.
Post # 16
So the two of you should have a monthly buget that includes all expenses including retirement and general savings money that only the two of you get to decide what to do with. Outside of that you should each get your own amount of pocket money. If hubbs wants to spend all his pocket money on his family so be it, it’s his and he can do whatever he wants with it. This takes it out of the realm of being your problem.