- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
I’m a regular user going anonymous. I’ve debated about writing this for a while, but I could really use some support and good advice. If anyone else has gone through a similar experience I would love for you to PM me, the worst part is feeling alone with it all – I know it’s such an unusual situation and unlikely I will find someone who truly relate.
I don’t really know where to begin. There’s so much. This will be long.
Before my husband I was in a long term relationship (5 years) with a man 10 years older than me. We met when I was 16. As skeevy as I’m sure that sounds we had a relatively healthy & happy relationship. Being so young when the relationship started, I grew a lot and changed and after a while we knew we weren’t right for each other. We ended everything on great terms. I even continued to live with him for four months while I finished out the semester (moved into the 2nd bedroom). We remained great friends.
January 2012 (about a year after our break up) he was arrested in an undercover sting operation for attempting to meet a 13 year old girl. I was shocked, devastated. I still cared for him deeply as a friend. When the police searched his house they discovered evidence from our relationship. They dragged me into it. They called my parents (the address on record) asking for me. When my parents told them I didn’t want to be involved they drove 4 hours to the town I lived in and showed up at my chemistry class. In the end, I was interviewed for 2+ hours and subpoenaed by both the defense and prosecution. My dad was also subpoenaed.
The evidence they had ranged from emails we had exchanged to very very graphic images/videos. The thing you should understand is that regardless of whether the prosecution included our relationship in the evidence he was going to prison. Aside from having my photos, he also had other child pornography that he had downloaded from the internet. The prosecution did not need me to make the case. His case was taken on at the federal level which uses a point system for sentencing, his points added up to the same sentencing with or without me. But that didn’t matter to the prosecutor. She drug me and my family through the trial despite my pleading to be left out of it.
I never found my relationship with him abusive. I never felt traumatized by it. I was completely traumatized by the trial. The trial took place last summer. It took 5 days. During the trial, my mother and husband (fiancé at the time) sat in the room. Thankfully, because my dad was subpoenaed he couldn’t go in until after he had testified. My husband said she showed my photos constantly. She would purposely push them down further than necessary so everyone could see exactly what was going on in them. He was prepared, but my mother had no idea. The prosecutor showed a room full of strangers those photos. She showed my mom & fiancé those photos. During the sentencing hearing she reminded the judge of them by literally SHOUTING a description of them (the courtroom was filled with all new strangers then and even worst my dad)
I was completely humiliated. He was sentenced to life in prison. I was in counseling for months then took a break because it wasn’t helping anymore. I couldn’t move pass it because I was forced to talk about it every session. I’m back in counseling now with my victims advocate. I’m hoping to dive deeper into it all this time around. I know it needs to be done and I feel I’m ready for it now.
My husband and I had always had a VERY healthy happy sex life. We were usually intimate multiple times a day. Sometimes we’d spend entire Saturdays in bed. During/after the trial and sentencing hearing my libido took a nose dive.
My Husband is a very understanding man, but I know my low libido hurt. It got to the point where I felt so guilty for telling him I didn’t want to have sex. So, I wouldn’t. I would just do it, but in turn he felt like something was off and he started feeling guilty for initiating sex. We ended up in this awful cycle of me dreading him initiating, feeling guilty about wanting to say no, having sex with him, probably resenting him subconsciously, him recognizing this and feeling guilty for initiating/wanting to have sex and him feeling like something was wrong with him.
Last night we had a couple of glasses of wine and I initiated, but half way through I just wanted to scream “Stop!” – I didn’t. I don’t understand what’s going on. I WANTED to, I initiated it. What changed?
I don’t know how to fix it. It’s a giant elephant in the room. Tonight he brought up couples counseling. I don’t have a problem with it, but I only just started my counseling again and was hoping to have some time to work on me. I told him this, he said he understood. But then we got into a huge disagreement because he wanted me to tell him what I was thinking and I couldn’t. I don’t KNOW what I was thinking. I don’t know how to put it into words. He kept pushing me and pushing me to talk to him. I ended up leaving the room shouting about how I need a break from sex and time to figure things out.
I’m so overwhelmed by this. I wish it could all just go away. Obviously it’s going to take time and counseling, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do while it’s getting figured out. I feel like I’ve given him a complex. I feel like I can’t begin to work on our sex life until I figure out what caused the problem to begin with. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Any advice & comments are welcomed and appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.