- 11 years ago
The way I see it – you and Bill already had 2 failed goes at it. Why do you seriously think things would work now when they obviously didn’t work for a reason twice before?
I think you and your DH need to work on other ways to be intimate with each other. Intimacy isn’t only about sex. Your DH sounds like a great guy (and obviously you think so too or you wouldn’t have married him). Finding other ways to be intimate besides just having sex will likely help bring back that passion that you feel has fallen by the wayside.
I think because of your current intimacy issues you’re making things seem bigger in your mind. It’s probably just a mental gave of ‘what if’. I think that’s normal for what you and husband are going through plus only 1 year of marrige under your belt. I’d try to forget it – those days are gone, tell yourself you’re commited and there are no other options. Have you discussed these thoughts with DH? Wanna bet he’s thinking similar things about his ex’s? Be honest.
I think you should talk to your husband about these feelings. Will he be happy? Probably not, but he should know. If my husband were feeling this way I would want to know- but I’m the type that likes everything on the table.
@lovie1999: I don’t think that it’s feelings you’re having for Bill. I know this is going to sound very blunt. I think you have feelings for Bill’s penis.
If you could take your DH and give him Bill’s sexual talent, do you think you would be posting this now.
Do you think you might be idealizing your experience with Bill a little? I imagine the excitement of a new relationship (especially because at first it was a ‘forbidden’ relationship) might have contributed to the ‘perfection’ you remember. Also, I think it’s typical to idealize the past – I definitely look back and remember my first few months with DH as this perfect time, which it certainly was not. I think it’s doubtful that a hypothetical life with Bill would be as wonderful and perfect as those months you were together.
I also think PP are right – you had two chances with him, if it was meant to be, it would probably have happened.
That said, I can completely understand where you are coming from – having 2nd thoughts due to your intimacy issues. But I would try to focus on fixing things with your DH rather than thinking about exes.
I’d encourage you to try and channel your energy into working through your sexual problems with your husband rather than spending your energy thinking about what could have been. I know it’s hard not to think “what if” every so often, but it’s not healthy or productive, and it will just end up further alienating you from your husband.
Are and your husband able to talk about sex without feeling embarassed or emotional? Has he experimented with satisfying you in *ahem* other ways? Do you guys use toys? it doesn’t have to be all about the “main event” as long as you are both open and comfortable enough with experimenting with other things. I know this can be an extremely uncomfortable and embarassing topic, especially when he’s probably very self-conscious, but the more you talk about it, the easier it will get.
Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I feel a bit better as I do know deep inside a lot of this stems from the sexual issues. My DH and I are very open and have no problem discussing that area. Though a lot of times it leaves him feeling wounded and like a failure. I tell him often that I think a lot of it is in his head, that he thinks too much about it and puts this expectation on himself, but I know it’s hard not to think about it often when he feels like he can’t preform.
We have tons of toys, and do use them and we do other things but the problem is once he goes, he can’t focus anymore because he just ends up beating himself up. And then I have to talk him down and make him feel better, which then just totally kills the moment. He got a few books on it about mentally trying to move past this, but it takes tons of will power on his part. So you can imagine, trying to have sex and every 2 seconds , he has to pull out and count to 10 and then try again and we do this for a bit but again not much sastifaction there. His Dr has been helping him with giving him different medications which haven’t worked, but his Dr is convinced it’s all in his head too.
Sorry if this is way too much information for this board but I feel better to actually let it out, I’ve never told anyone, he would be so upset.
If you and the doctor agree that it may be all in his head, are there therapists that might be able to help with the mental aspect of it? I am new to this, but it was the gut reasction I had when you mentioned it might be a mental hurdle.
It couldn’t hurt to check it out.
EDIT: “Both psychological and biological factors can play a role in premature ejaculation. Although many men feel embarrassed to talk about it, premature ejaculation is a common and treatable condition.
Medications, psychological counseling and sexual techniques that delay ejaculation can improve sex for you and your partner. For many men, a combination of treatments works best.”
Okay, breaking it down honestly. Can you only orgasm through full on sex? If so, this is tough, if not, I’m not sure why you’re left feeling unsatisfied. Assuming your DH can pleasure you in other ways, by the time you actually move forward to the final act, you could be deeply satisfied and content, and tired even! I say make sex more about foreplay and drag it out until you’re relaxed. Let him see you get pleasure from him again, and again and again and build up his confidence. By the time you move to actually have intercourse it shouldn’t even matter how long it lasts because it’s about his pleasure, not pressure to perform. It may help. I dunno. You may have tried it.
This is tough – it seems like you and your husband are doing everything you can to help the problem. He has talked to his doctor, read books, you’ve worked with him, etc. So I think your lines of communication are very open.
I agree w/ others that you may be idealizing your relationship w/ Bill b/c he gave you what you are missing in your current relationship – IMO this is why you are thinking about him so much.
My only suggestion would be for you & your husband to see a sex therapist vs. a general physician – perhaps this sex therapist can give you much more pointed advice.
I do commend you and your husband doing what you can to make your sexual relationship work. I think your husband is taking steps to eliminate this problem and respects the fact that you are not fully sastified & he wants to sastify you. But I def understand your fustrations as well.
We have seen a general therapist, but agreed that maybe a sex therapist is more along the lines of what we need.
I very rarely can orgasm durning oral, that is how I’ve always been. And I must say my husband is much better in the oral department than Billl was, but with Bill oral wasn’t my only option. Oral with my husband is great, but it’s such a tease to me. The Dr recommended that we start of with a good amount of foreplay before we have sex, since he said my DH could build up his tolerance. However, we do a lot of foreplay, I don’t orgasm, sometimes my DH ends up coming durning foreplay or he actually maks it to sex but it doesn’t last more than seconds, maybe 5 mins if does the counting to 10 exercise, and then we have to use a toy and he feels like crap beause I have to use the toy instead of him.
Stop talking to “Bill”
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