Married and Depressed

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

I can’t speak to what is causing your depression and I really don’t think anyone can. These issues are deep-rooted and I think counselling is really the only option right now. Don’t make any rash decisions as you are not in a good frame of mind. You need counselling immediately. Please call someone to get some help.

Wishing you all the best.

Post # 3
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonmaros :  

People rarely do a ‘complete 180’ that endures. Your Dh sounds a bit OTT.

It’s impossible to know from the information provided what the source of your depression is.  I agree with 

elizabee17 :, counseling is definitely needed here.

Post # 4
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Bee, you are in a depressive episode. You say you were diagnosed, did you get on medication? It may be time to get that dosage looked at or an entirely different medicine. I say this as someone who has battled depression for about 20 years. Please get into some therapy or counselling and get either on meds or have them adjusted.

Post # 5
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Bee. I know it can be especially hard to deal with issues you know are mostly you. I would agree with PP that therapy may be a good solution here, and may help you gain some insight into why you’re feeling the way you do.

That said, I will tell you that I felt this way often during my first marriage, despite being married to someone who, by all accounts, was a great partner at the time. I hated being married and I hated myself for hating being married. I felt depressed all the time, and never felt like I could truly be myself because now I was part of this “unit” and that was that. It almost felt like I was mourning the person I was before getting married. Like, legit stages of grief almost.

While that marriage did eventually end 8 years later, I was able to work through a lot of those initial issues with the help of therapy (and medication). It took a while, but eventually I realized that it wasn’t the marriage that was holding me back, it was ME, and found ways to work through it. I also found ways to deal with my depression by first recognizing that’s what it was causing my thoughts and behaviors, and learning ways to cope in healthier ways.

I went back to school to work toward a degree. I made time to hang out with friends without my ex. I made sure to fill my time with hobbies I enjoyed. All of these things were helpful.

Wishing you all the best, Bee. I know it’s difficult, but maybe with some therapy you’ll find your way, regardless of whether it means staying in the marriage, or not. <3

Post # 8
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

anonmaros :  It was not my depression that caused my marriage to end, if that makes you feel any better. My ex went back to using drugs and that was a dealbreaker for me, so that’s ultimately why it ended. As for my depression, I got it under control fairly early on through therapy and meds, so that wasn’t really an issue anymore by the time we parted ways.

Post # 9
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anonmaros :  “I got some medication but Darling Husband doesnt want meto take it because he thinks i’ll become dependent on it and i will always need it and wont ever really heal.” — OMG, bee! If you were diabetic would he tell you not to take insulin? With depression and diabetes, both illnesses are caused by your body not producing enough of the chemicals you need to be healthy, and the medication either replaces the chemicals or helps you to make your own. I went through a terrible depression where I thought every day about killing myself. Medication (along with therapy, but mostly the medication) brought me out of it. I was on anti-depressants for a few years and I was fortunate enough that my body started regulating itself and I was able to come off the medication. Some people need to stay on it for life, but there’s nothing wrong with that. If by “dependent” he means addicted, that’s not possible with anti-depressants. If he just means you might need it forever, so what? Please do not let his ignorance keep you from getting better!

Post # 10
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

anonmaros :  Oh hun. That isn’t the way depression works.  Take the medicine. Take it every day. Please. Would he tell a diabetic not to take their medicine so their body will “heal”, or tell a cancer patient not to take chemo? This is the same. Depression kills on average 123 people a DAY (suicide). 

Post # 11
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Bee, it is sooo difficult to navigate which feelings are valid and which are your brain being an asshole when you are dealing with depression. I’d highly recommend that you seek out professional treatment and go from there. You simply can’t make any determinations about the health of your relationship until you are in a healthy frame of mind.

I will say that when my relationship with my now fiance went from “serious” to “marriage-bound” I fell into a depressive episode that required professional intervention to crawl out of. I wasn’t depressed about the relationship or anything to do with my FH – I was depressed because it was the last “tick” on my checklist of things that should make my life happy and fulfilling. I’ve always had regular emotional ups and downs, where I have a few days every month where I feel grey and foggy and just unexcited about life, sometimes even sad or hopeless, and for years I always had something I could point to to justify those feelings – I was lonely, or I was poor, or I was worried about finding a career, etc, etc… but as those boxes continued to be checked off, I had to finally acknowledge that my life wasn’t the problem and that these emotional rollercoasters are unfortunately a part of who I am.  It was incredibly difficult to accept that, but once I did and I got the help I needed, I was able to bounce out of my deep depression and truly enjoy and appreciate the life that I, and now my partner together, have built. I still have my mild episodes and they are as frustrating as they’ve ever been, but I understand them better and I’m able to cope in healthy ways to get through them.

It may very well be that the issues you had before marriage have not actually been dealt with that are giving you pause, but I think you need to sort out your own mental health issues and get into a more neutral frame of mind before you try to tackle that. Depression colours absolutely everything and you simply cannot see things properly while under that cloud.

Post # 12
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

anonmaros :  Not wanting you to take medication is very problematic! Perhaps he just doesn’t understand mental health, but he needs  to do better and get educated on the subject!!!

Post # 13
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It sounds to me like you are having pretty severe symptoms of depression. Depression can affect every aspect of your life and can lead you to make decisions that you would not otherwise make. I know that when your having really bad episodes, it can take a lot to make that final push towards seeing your mental health provider and getting the help you need. While your husband’s concern regarding medication may be coming from a good place (only you know your husband), by making you feel bad about needing medication, he is putting your mental health and potentially your marriage at risk. You need to overrule him on this and tell him that despite his opinions, you need his support. It is difficult enough to seek help yourself, it may be near impossible without somebody encouraging and supporting you. 

Some people are able to stop medication and use diet and exercise to keep their depression in check; however, it has been my experience the you have to start with medication in order to get you through those really tough times. It’s always best to follow your doctor’s advice and take the medication for as long as necessary. And you can ask your doctor for resources about depression/treatment to give your husband. He needs some education on the topic.

Im newly married, so I really can’t speak to prevalence of depression in the first year of marriage, but I do believe that you will be able to interpret your feelings about your marriage more clearly once you’ve addressed your depression. 

Sending good thoughts your way Bee.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2011

anonmaros :  Your husband should support you if you think medication will help you get through this. Maybe his heart is in the right place when he says medication can get addicting but that is not scientifically proven and with some research he will understand that.

When you say you fantasize about being with other people what do you mean, fantasize how? Your post states he is what you are looking for in a guy.

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