(Closed) married and over it

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

sorry you are going through this!  sounds terribly cofusioning and painful.  Would he be willing to go talk with your pastor alone or with you to help you & him sort through this?

Post # 4
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sorry you’re so upset with your new husband.  *hugs*

I want to help, but I feel like I am missing a lot of information. First, what are the white lies that he keeps saying and how do you know that he’s lying? 

Now on to him going out whenever you’re crying…

I think people in a relationship need to lead their own lives, too.  I’m not sure if you’re allowing him to do this.  I can’t tell if it’s you wanting to spend too much time with him or if it’s him not wanting to spend enough time with you – does that make sense?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out with your friends and if every time he wants to go out without you, you sit and cry, perhaps he’s just learned to go do it anyway or else he won’t be able to go out?

Do you get upset and cry every time he tries to go out without you?  How often does he go out with his friends?  Does he ever make special time for you?

Is this something that started only after you got married? 

Did you two live together before the wedding?

I have a few ideas – first, my Fiance and I split the weekends.  I think this works wonderfully.  We do whatever I want on Saturdays and in return, I let him do whatever he wants on Sundays.  We only do this during the football season because he spends all day on Sunday watching every single game.

Another idea is getting your own set of friends and your own hobbies and start going out without him, too.  Don’t plan to go out only when he has plans.  Make your own plans on your own schedule and set some “me” time.  This will do 2 things – first, it will give you stuff to do so you feel less lonely; second, it will make you more desirable to your Darling Husband (b/c you won’t always be around and he’ll start to feel like he needs to make plans with you, etc). 

I hope this helps and I hope you two can work things out.  🙁

Post # 5
3175 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you are not happy in your new marriage. I think there is more to this story than is meeting our eyes as well. Did this start before you were married? Did you just move towns, jobs, homes after the wedding and are you both having trouble adjusting? Did you use to spend all your time together, and now he is going out with his friends more often? Do you ever go out with your friends or do stuff for yourself without him? 

If you are in a new situation and having trouble adjusting, maybe go to counseling and see if you can work through your and your husband’s lack of communications skills (because he just shuts you out and it sounds like you just get upset and cry). 

If you rely on him to spend all his free time with you to be happy and feel loved, he may feel like you are smothering him and the more you say “you don’t love me and want to do anything with me” the more he actually doesn’t because he feels like you are always upset with him and unhappy. 

However, it may very well be that he has started telling white lies (was this a problem before marriage and did you ever address it then if you knew?) and this can be frustrating. And it may be that all of the sudden he is actually spending less time with you and more time with his friends, but either way, I would say you need to do some things for yourself instead of waiting for your Darling Husband to pay attention to you. 

I think you need counseling either way. If you knew about these problems before the marriage, why didn’t you address them (lack of communication between you two)? And if you didn’t, you need help working through them now obviously. 

Post # 7
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Marriages and relationships xan be perfectly successful when each partner has their own identity and each do different things. You’re supposed to be partners and equals, not conjoined twins. Each couple needs to find their own comfort level, and what works in my relationship might not work in yours. But you have to be on the same page with it all, and it sounds like you and your husband are not. Perhaps a compromise— at least for a starting point— would be to ask him to tell you when he would like to make other plans, and in return you won’t press for details. So you’d know he’s planning to go out Tuesday after work, but not where or with whom. This might help establish trust on both sides.

As for the money, you’ll need to let go of past money problems; by finding a solution to his $700 debt, you basically accepted that problem. Now it’s time to let it go and move on. You’ve now got more control over the finances so there shouldn’t be any more surprises. There’s no point in clinging to the hurt and upset from before. If it was okay enough for you to still marry him, then it’s okay enough to get past it.

You may want to try couples counseling so you can each learn how to be honest and open with your feelings without triggering negative emotions. If he makes you want to cry or you make him want to run away, then you will never learn how to be a couple.

Post # 10
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m married to my best friend. I get that part. But he had a life before he even met me, let alone started a relationship with me, and I’m not going to deny him that life, just like I would not expect him to deny me the life I built before I met him. I like to ride motorcycles. He doesn’t. So I go ride with my riding buddies and he goes to play basketball (which I don’t like to do) with his basketball buddies. Sometimes those things happen at the same time, and sometimes I get a quiet evening on the sofa whilst he’s shooting hoops. There is obviously a lot of things we do together, and a lot of mutual friends, but plenty of places where we each enjoy some “on my own” time. And I think our relationship is stronger for it.

As for your Mr’s debt, your post suggests you’re not entirely over it. And while it’s quite true that he is not being respectful of you by not being more open, he’s not the one reading this thread, so any “advice” to him won’t have a chance to sink in. I would imagine, though, that even if you’re 100% in the right and he’s 100% in the wrong, sometimes a small action that shows you’re at least trying to work with him (and not against him) will come back to you a dozen times over, as it shows good fath, a willingness to compromise, and a genuine desire to fix the things that are wrong in your relationship. In other words, by trying to meet him halfway, you might be surprised that he actually responds. Without hearing his side, though, it’s all conjecture unfortunately. But showing him you’re at least willing to try might have a big impact.

Post # 11
1526 posts
Bumble bee

I would maybe try to have a set date night every week at least so you get a chance to talk and reconnect. It’s important that each of you go and do your own things, too, but spending time together is important. Having time apart is important too. It seems like he is avoiding the problems in your marriage instead of being a part of the solution, which I think is something therapy might be good for because you can both talk about things in a safe space with a mediator and a good third opinion that’s not on either side.

Post # 12
75 posts
Worker bee


@fishbone:  I actually completely agree with you. I think marriage is all about two people coming together as individuals. It sounds like chinacat’s insecurity is causing her to want to spend all of her time with her Darling Husband and also causing her to get overly upset when he doesn’t want to include her in everything he does. I’d imagine life would get pretty boring and repetitive if my (hypothetical) husband and I spent all of our free time together. Half the fun of doing things separately is getting to share stories with your partner later! Plus, it is healthy to maintain a separate set of hobbies, activities, and friends.

With that being said, it would absolutely not be ok with me if my partner was disrespectful, lied about where he was going, how much he was spending, etc. This is where communication plays a role. You are his wife, not his mother, and it is not your job to keep tabs on him every second of the day, but you two need to have enough respect for one another to discuss these things if it is something that could lead to the downfall of your marriage.

Post # 13
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think too, adding to what other PP’s have said, is that men and women approach things differently – emotionally, mentally, etc.  I understand that it is not the case for everyone, but certainly I *believe* that in this case, you spouse has shut down on you.  Not because he does not love you, or respect you, but because he is ‘over’ trying to make you secure.  According to you OP, and maybe i misread it….you are constantly asking him if he loves and respects you.  He states he does….it is too vague for your liking.  If he decides to go out with his buddies, you get upset, cry as he is leaving and then accuse him of being unfaithful.  Then there is the money…you were vague in your post about that, but are you constantly ‘hounding’ him on his spending, on the past, etc?!

I guess my point in writing this is that if I were in your shoes, there is no doubt my SO was eventually shut down on me too.  He would stop professing his love to me all the time, if my response was ‘it is not truthful’.  Or, he would just walk out of the house if I were crying every time he was out with friends.  Does that make sense?!

I am not trying to harp on you, op.  In fact, I feel terrible you are so down, and unhappy.  But maybe, just maybe, instead of working to change your husband, work on making YOU happy.  Do as other PP’s have stated…find your own happiness.  Friends, working out, a counselor, etc.  I think once you are happy and secure, it will transcend into your marriage.  I promise 🙂

Post # 14
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@chinacat:  Successful marriages happen when couples have their own lives. As you grow more and your family grows these times will become less and less frequent. Early in the marriage, when you have no kids, is the best time to make sure you have outside interests. 

You should never rely solely on your husband to occupy your time, that’s unhealthy. you will notice as you age, that your friends are settling down more themselves and their families are growing too, this is when ‘boytime’ tends to taper more. 

You need to let your husband have his own hobbies and own space otherwise he will resent you. Go out and get more involved with your hobbies, and you will see a huge difference.

Post # 15
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@chinacat:  I think you both REALLY need counselling.

To help you both learn to communicate properly and honestly, to help you both work together as a team, to help build/strengthen intimacy, to help you both learn to live together, etc…based on your thread, this is NOT something you two can fix on your own.

Make an appointment ASAP and BOTH of you go to a therapist/couples counselling, they will help you better identify your relationship issues and how to resolve them in a healthy manner so that you can save your marriage instead of countinuing to ruin it with the current vicious cycle.  It would also benefit you to have some individual counselling as well.

Good luck! Hope it all works out…

ETA: I agree with anyone who says doing individual things are fine as well as doing activities/hobbies as a couple, BUT this is something that you and your husband have to find a balance with and agree on a level of this that meets both your needs.

Post # 16
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@futuremrsk18:  +1 to everything said here–I couldn’t agree more.

 @chinacat:  mrskopp2be asked some good questions for you to tell us and/or to ask yourself.  Did you and your new husband live together before marriage?  Did you think that some of his behavior/personality would change after he married you and are disappointed that it is the same?  Do you get upset every time he makes plans to go out, or every time you talk to him?  No matter how much someone loves you, if they feel like every time you talk to them, they are somehow upsetting you and making you cry, they will probably shut down emotionally and start avoiding contact with you.

Also, you said that you think in a marriage, the couple should have mutual friends that they both hang out with.  I agree with you; Darling Husband and I share many close friends, and we spend the majority of our free time doing things together or with mutual friends (some were my friends before our relationship, some were his, and some we became friends with during the time we’ve been together).  We also have friends and hobbies that we do not do together, and if we both have a lot of free time we’ll go do those other activities without each other.  However, I don’t think either of us would be ok with the other spouse NEVER hanging out or never inviting us along (I even invite him to get mani/pedi’s with me but so far he’s always declined, hehe), and going out alone every day/night.  Does your husband never do anything with you, or is it just one or two days a week?

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