(Closed) Married bee here, need relationsip advice…

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just think its curteous to fire someone a quick call or a text of plans change. I’d be pretty hurt if he couldn’t be bothered to do that. That was something that we did deal with early on in the relationship. It’s not to keep tabs on him, it’s just so I’m aware so I don’t cook a fancy dinner or something if he’s decided to go out. I don’t expect him to be home all the time or to be together all the time though. I need my personal time too. 

Post # 4
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I kind of see both sides of this, but I don’t think either of you are completely right. Your husband should tell you about his plans in advance so that you can make alternate plans. But he is not responsible for being home with you 100% of the time. He can be a “good hubby” without staying at home all of the time.

 

To be honest, I never really understand people that don’t want their spouses to have social lives and friends outside of the marriage, so your needing to have him home all the time is really foreign to me.

 

Post # 5
Member
7445 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think it should be fine if he wants to spend some time with friends, but I also think he should keep you in the loop.

Post # 6
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m torn here too. I don’t ask my Darling Husband to be at home but I do ask that he tells me if he’s made plans (even those of the last minute variety.) If this is a problem for Darling Husband, maybe talk to him and let him know why you should be kept in the loop. I’m curious though, is this just a problem now? Is this perhaps because you’re pregnant and at home more than you were before?

Post # 7
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

In this day and age it takes two seconds to text someone.  To me calling is a little annoying and obnoxious it’s like checking in when your a HS’er.  Essentually it is the same tactic,  but feels less invasive and “checking in.” esq. 

Neither you or him are wrong persay,  I do think letting the other know is good especially if your expecting them at a certain time and then suddenly change plans but being separate beings is also a good idea.  

Post # 8
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It isn’t reasonable at all to want to know where your Darling Husband is. I have no problem with my Fiance going out with friends, but I expect him to let me know where he is! He always does and I do the same. I’d be seriously pissed if I was pregnant and he was doing this. What if something happened and you had to go to the hospital? I think he’s being inconsiderate.

Post # 9
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to find some middle ground here – I don’t think that he needs to be home with you all the time to be a “good hubby,” there are many other qualities that make up a good husband and being present 24/7 probably isn’t that vital. If you guys already have plans for that night, then he shouldn’t cancel your plans without telling you, but if there’s nothing on for the night, then I don’t see the harm in him spending time with his friends.

However, he should at least send you a text beforehand, saying “Hey Samantha, I’m just going over to John’s house for a drink. I’ll be back around 7,” or something like that. Also, it sounds like it’s important to you that he’s around so maybe set up some kind of rule where he can go out 3 nights a week, and be home the other 4 (or whatever number works for both of you), so he’s home more often than not, but he still gets his chance to see his friends and have a life outside of his home and work.

Post # 10
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think it sounds like he is trying to hang onto his freedrom here and wants to be able to do what he wants.  While he should be able to have a social life, he should be able to give you that courtesy call if he’s going somewhere.  It has nothign to do with being controlled, its just part of being considerate.  If my husband were to not come home for dinner, I would like to know so i don’t need to cook.  If he was goign to be out for a few hours, he should give me a courtesy call or text to let me know just so I won’t have to worry about him.  The truth is, if you’re married, your lives are intertwined, and he should just be considerate.  IF you suddenly disappeared for a few hours, he would want to know that you’re safe and sound too.  It just doesn’t make sense to me to not communicate these things.  It’s not hard to say “hey, i’m going to be out for a few hours with friends.”

Post # 11
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Having your own interests / lives is a good thing (healthy actually)

BUT being married does mean that you have a responsibility / obligation .. not so much to the other person as per say your Mom or Dad… BUT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Your Relationship won’t stay afloat on track if you don’t nuture & respect it.  Firing off a text, keeping in touch by phone (especially IF there has been a change in plans) is respectful.  Not to do so is arrogant and disrespectful to the relationship / other person and their feelings, as you aren’t single / just one entity anymore.

I am guesssing you guys have problems with exactly how much time you spend apart… as that came thru in your post (between the lines)

Especially when you wrote, that he said “he doesn’t tell me cause I’ll get upset”

YIKES, that isn’t a good sign. 

Now he is behaving like a misbehaving child… because he sees you as his Mom… and you are hurt because he is not taking your feelings into account (calling)

I get that you want to spend lots of time with him, but he also is entitled to time on his own.

If you wanted a guy who was a home-body, or the type to spend oodles of time with you and not mind it (Mr TTR and I go just about EVERYWHERE together, because we choose to)… then that is the type of guy you should have dated / married

On the otherhand, being pregnant means a bunch of other stuff comes into play… including:

Your Moods – Your Health (ya think he’d want to be you with more) – Your time as a couple is precious (another reason you’d think he’d want to be with you more often) – and he does have more of RESPONSIBILITY / OBLIGATION NOW… not only to the Relationship, Marriage and YOU but also to his future baby.

He needs to be IMO more aware of that sort of stuff.

Honestly, I don’t think there is a quick fix on this, as so much seems to be at play (Immaturity – Independence – Responsiblity – Pregnancy etc)… that it might be worthwhile if the two of you got some counselling on this sticky issue

Cause it isn’t gonna get any easier to deal with once the baby gets here.

(( HUGS ))

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 12
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

“I just want him home like a good hubby” Hes your husband, not a dog.

BUT, I get what your saying,maybe just suggest that he throws you a text if hes going to be a little longer than expected, so your not sat around waiting for him, (eg if your making dinner or something)

And with you mentioning that you couldnt go out even if you wanted to, are you maybe feeling like he shouldnt be going out because you cant?

Post # 13
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Balance is the key word. He needs his friends and his home life, and so do you. Pregnancy shouldn’t stop you from grabbing a friend and having dinner. 🙂

I think in the times in my relationship when I felt more needy of my SO’s time, it was because the time we spent together (we live together so it was a lot) didn’t feel particularly set apart just for us… basically it wasn’t quality time. We both talked about how we wanted to have more quality time, so… we go out to eat, go to a movie, or go on a walk, or watch our favorite shows. Even making dinner together feels like hanging out now. The key is making sure you are tuned in to each other at some point in the day, and have your space for the things you need to do at home alone, when that happens.

Also, have time when you hang out with friends collectively, and when you have one-on-one time with friends.

Balance has really cleared up a lot of our relationship issues/insecurities. I hope this helps somehow!

Post # 14
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be livid.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind Darling Husband going out but I like him to tell me he’s going out.  In your case I’d be even more pissed if I’m preggo at home and Darling Husband is drinking w/ his buddies. 

I told my Darling Husband that if we have a kid and I’m preggo, he’s not to drink either, I’m being punished enough so he’s gonna sacrifice too, but I’m a bit extream like that. 🙂

How often does he do this?

Post # 15
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’d be annoyed if my Darling Husband didn’t come home when he was supposed to because it’s common courtsey. I make dinner every night except for the nights when its on our calendar that I won’t be home (I babysit our niece & nephew once a week & have some volunteer obligations that require me to be gone in the evenings once every couple of weeks.) Otherwise Darling Husband can expect a hot meal when he gets home & if he decided to randomly not show up one evening it would annoy me. However, my Darling Husband will sometimes shoot me a text that says, “Mike invited me to happy hour after work, I’ll be home around 7.” or, “Joe invited me to golf after work do we have anything going on tonight?” 

I am a Stay-At-Home Wife & the highlight of my day is when Darling Husband comes home. I could spend every waking moment with him, that’s why I love weekends and vacations because he’s my best friend and we have a blast together. But I also know that he enjoys friends & that sometimes means not spending our evenings or all of our weekends together. BUT we always communicate our schedules with eachother. 

Post # 16
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It sounds like he still thinks he is single, and that’s a problem. I think TTR had some really grear insight and advice for you. You two definitely need to talk through the underlying emotions and issues here.

The topic ‘Married bee here, need relationsip advice…’ is closed to new replies.

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