Post # 1
I was posting on another thread, and it made me think to opend this thread. My question is this: for those of you who had sex with your SO before you got married, did it change after you got married? I don’t necessarily mean physically, but emotionally?
A little background on me if you haven’t read the other thread: I was raised Christian, and was taught that sex before marriage was wrong. For the better part of my childhoood and adult life, I thought I would get marrid a virgin, but as I got older I decided that wasn’t going to happen- I wasn’t premiscuous by any means, though. Darling Husband and I slept together before marriage, and while I never felt guilty for it or anything like that, I kind of thought that once we got married I’d feel like it was finally allowed or okay to do. But I don’t feel any differently at all. If something is even remotetly risque, I feel like it’s still wrong (even though Darling Husband is the most respectful man on earth).
Is there something wrong with me? Did sex change for you emotionally once you were married?
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve heard of people having this sort of lingering Christian guilt thing when it comes to marriage and sexuality. I would give yourself some time, you haven’t been married very long, and if the problem persists you could always get some counseling, either with or without your husband.
Post # 4
Decemberbride, I felt just like you about it! I also wanted to wait for sex, but finally couldn’t. If we’d been able to get married a year or two out of college, instead of 4, it would have happened that way. But things just kept getting in the way of our relationship. In the end, I was the reason we were waiting, and it was hurting him, and I just couldn’t resist his love any longer. As a Catholic, I’m going to confess before we marry so that I can do it with a clean conscience.
I found that our sex did change when we got engaged. I must have been holding something back emotionally before he proposed. Since that happened without my knowing it or trying to make it happen or anything, I think it might happen again when we get married, but maybe not on the wedding night or even the honeymoon. I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you can force and maybe not the kind of thing that happens overnight.
Physically, I think sex will change for us because the condoms are going out the window! Before the wedding we’re doubling our birth control and after one method will be enough. Fiance is excited about this!
Post # 5
It hasn’t really changed for me, I don’t know about my husband. i would feel sheepish on occasion if we had had sex the day before we went to his church or something like that before we were married but that’s it. Since it was his decision to disregard that teaching and it’s not part of my faith the most I could do was wonder how that worked for him.
Although, somewhere along the way I was instilled with this prudish instinct that makes me less sexually outgoing than I would otherwise expect (for not having religious restrictions.) Maybe it was the three years of Catholic middle school? 😉
Post # 6
It felt different on our wedding night, more emotional. Now, it’s the same, except when I think about it and the fact that it’s “allowed” now.
I had had sex before him in a 6-years relationship, but when I left I planned to wait until marriage… well that plan was out the window when it started getting serious with my Darling Husband, for many reasons.. So from time to time I’d feel the guilt you’re talking about – not anymore!
Post # 7
DecemberBride, thank you so much for sharing this thread. I think comfort with sexuality can be a struggle for a lot of women, especialy those who were taught that their sexual experience is “wrong”. It is important for you to be in touch with your own sexuality and sexual interests. Feeling connected to your body can also be very importent in sharing intamacy with a partner. Do you practice yoga or any other physical meditative practice? It may be helpful for you to try doing movement activities a few days a week. Even walking can help. While you move, think about the way your body is moving, how you move and how it feels to move. Allow yourself to feel comfortable about your body’s movement. Another way to explore yourself would be to envision sexual situations with your husband that you think you would enjoy. Think about what you and he might do and, if you feel comfortable, share these thoughts with your husband. Being open and honest with your sexual desires can greatly enhance your comfort with your sexual desires. Of course, seeing a counceler could help to 🙂 A LOT of women struggle with this! You are not alone!
Post # 8
I felt very similar. I was brought up around my Catholic family, though my mom was never very strict about the teachings. But I still felt that sex was dirty. Basically my whole life everyone says “don’t do it!” even when it wasn’t for religious reasons (like sex ed), so I was feeling guilty when we weren’t married. I was actually kind of ashamed and embarrassed and even though we lived together and everything, I would generally avoid the topic of sex if it came up in conversation and just kind of pretend that I wasn’t (I wouldn’t lie or anything, but if it came up I would generally kind of beat around the bush and change the topic before I had to say anything). Once we got married, I have felt a bit more liberated. I never felt like what I was doing was wrong even before, but I’m not quite so embarassed about it anymore. I’m still very reserved though, and I wish I could get around that block though. It’s particularly odd because I’m not religious at all, and neither is my husband, but all of that has just stuck from since I was younger. I do feel a little more open to talking about it with my husband now though, but still I tend to play it safe (we definitely have a very “vanilla” sex life). And I still have a very hard time innitiating. oh well.
Post # 9
Thank you for the replies, girls. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one! It’s interesting how now, even though I’m married, sex still doesn’t feel “allowed” because of the way I was raised. I talked with Darling Husband about it last night (he was so understanding and supportive!), and I’m going to see a counselor about it- I’m actually going to see the pastor that did our premarital counseling, so hopefully I can work through this!
@rosiebear: I did just start yoga- I’ll start thinking about that the next time I’m in class. 🙂
Post # 10
yeah now that we are married we talk about our families, one time after sex, he started mentioning my dad, it was weird to talk family after sex so I said talking about family is banned from the bed. Just too weird, like having your family in on your sex life.
Post # 11
@Iloveny – yes, talks about Dad should definitely be banned from the bed! (sorry the thought of that made me giggle!)
Post # 12
i grew up EXACTLY like you….i elected to do pre-marital counseling and the preacher asked us to stop if we were having intimate relations.
so we have started to abstain and wont have sex till the wedding night..my best friend was raised the same way and said married sex was 92837428 times BETTER than when they were dating or even engaged =)
sorry – i guess this didnt offer any REAL advice….but maybe it just takes a little time for your mind to catch up that what you’re doing ISNT wrong 😉
alot of times we ave to just throw ourselves out of our comfort zone and face our “fear” so to speak