(Closed) Married bees- Does anyone find marriage easy?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

@Elizabeth1990:  I’m not married yet but you and I share the same scenario lol. We both will be moving in after the wedding and his mom used to do everything for him. So I’m expecitng some problems om that end well not problems but maybe difficult adjustments. Also his family are super close and they live 5 minuted away from us so i think it will also be expected of us to visit 1-2 weekly if not sleepover sometimes when all the family is gathere. ughh i hope it goes well wish me luck

Post # 48
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

I’m not married myself but what I get most from people is that they say marriage will be the way you want it to be. You need to know entering marriage that there will be some adjustments especially when you’re not living together before the wedding. Having that in mind i don’t think i’ll be surprised with what i find lol. You also need to know that it’s a work in progres like in your dating or engaged relationship. You must o an effort in showing eachother that you love eachother eventhough you are spending the rest of your lives together. 

Post # 49
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I have been married for a year, so I’m still early in — however, we have been together for about 6 years total. 

Honestly? The first year of marriage has been the best year of our relationship, period. I found it very easy. A lot of the long-time stress that we had in our relationship came about BECAUSE we weren’t married — I was nervous that he never wanted to marry me, he was obviously dawdling, which made me feel more insecure. While my family treated us the same before and after the wedding, there was an OBVIOUS difference in how I was treated by his family once we were engaged, and especially once we were married, even though we had been together for 4 years, living together for one, when we got engaged.

We bought a house this year — so that was exciting. I think the “marriage is so hard” bit tends to be reserved more for couples who wait until after the wedding to move in together. My day-to-day life didn’t change much after the wedding, though my spirits and attitude did. We were already acclimated. We didn’t have the pressure of, “Will it work out after we get married if we don’t live together until then?” or more regrettably, “We waited until we married to move in together…now I can’t stand him. Panic, panic, panic.” 

I can’t blame the latter group for feeling that way. You’ve just married this guy, then BOOM, you’re struggling right at the outset. It was a few months of adjustment for me, living together with my husband, and it was hard. 

But, got that out of the way before marriage. 

It really depends on where you’re at in your relationship. If you’re just moving in together, it’s gonna be a wake-up call. While my husband and I were together near 24/7 before moving in together, managing chores, visiting family (together), managing bills, etc., is a sensitive dance. 

Post # 50
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can never understand why people say marriage is so hard! I’ve been dating my husband since 2007, and we moved in together in 2010. Nothing changed when we got married in 2013 (except we call each other husband and wife and my last name will be changing!).

I could see if maybe you haven’t lived together before and are moving in together when you get married how it might be more difficult. But even moving in was a smooth transition for us. And we are keeping our finances separate, no joint accounts or anything, so that’s easy too.

We aren’t planning on having children either, so nothing much will change for us over the years 🙂

Post # 51
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FutureMrsT1221:  I just want to chime in as someone newly married and what I recently learned…

I am one of those that would say marriage is “hard”. Recently, my therapist told me when people say this what they are really referring to is the adjustment is hard…not actual marriage. And in my case, she’s right!

We both are having transition difficulty and I can see why some see it as hard. However, each marriage is truly different (as she said) and some go through these transitions before getting married. Or only 1 is going through it. Or neither of them go through it until the first child. Or the 3rd. Or retirement. Or kids’s going off to college. 

 

But if someone asks how it’s going…I always say “It’s going fine”…b/c it is. 🙂 I don’t share detail with many people. I also think it depends on personality type…some are better with adversity than others. Some get over things easier and faster. Some are more laid back. I am none of those so I probably find things harder than most. But I will say I find immense comfort in my husband and at the end of the day, I smile b/c I love him very much and glad we are on this journey together. I also think I need to ease up a bit! I can be such a grouch at times. ;/

 

Post # 52
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee

Well we have not been married that long, 1.5 years, together for almost 6.

I don’t find it so much the marriage that is difficult, as the living together and you’re here ALL.THE.TIME. can be hard. For me the relationship was so much easier when I could just kick him out of my house when I needed to be alone lol. Also all your problems are now eachother’s problems and there is a huge learning curve.

I never realized that there would still be so much to learn about eachother. In the begninng it was all about putting on your best and doing what it took to make the other person happy. Not that we don’t still do that, but it has changed, we also care more (that we did before) about making ourselves happy, so that in turn we can make the other person happy. It is also all the little things that when they add up can be frustrating, there are dishes in the sink, the floor needs to be swept, laundry has not been done in over a week, have you even thought of shovelling? Those things that before didn’t effect you as much, or you aren’t getting done right away because you’ve settled more into ‘nah I will do it later, maybe today, maybe in six days’…..

That is the part that I find hard, trying to learn eachothers habits, and lines. There are things that I discover about Darling Husband that I didn’t know before.

None of this would change that I married him. I love the man beyond belief, but not everything is always picture perfect. It also seems that the longer we are married (which I know right now is a tiny blip) the bigger problems come up, there was buying the house, getting married, fights over the wedding, financial issues, TTC time line, how to discipline the cat, being pregnant….. The issues get harder, which can put strain on any marriage.

Post # 53
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@FutureMrsT1221:  It’ll be three months tomorrow– so not too long.  But its pretty easy for us.  We get along wonderfully.  Sure, we have discussions about things that aren’t so fun when we need to, we already have a kid (I have an almost 6 year old from before)- so we’ve even got that under wraps LOL

If youve already been with someone awhile (and living with them), I don’t know why people always say “marriage” is so hard.  So you’re legally joined– but you were already doing all the same stuff together before.  So maybe you bought a house together after you were married….but it doesn’t make marriage harder— it just means buying a house can be stressful.  Same with having kids.  There are challenges to have kids whether you’re married or not– it’s not the marriage that’s challenging, it’s having kids.  While these events might go hand in hand with marriage, they also might not.  But I think people associate “marriage” with all these other things are the actual cause of thier turmoil.

Post # 54
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Honestly, our marriage has been very easy and pleasant, and we didn’t live together beforehand. We communicate well and often, we fight clean, we make time to nurture our relationship as both friends and lovers, and we try to stay on the same page regarding our priorities and goals in life. I suppose you could say it takes effort to maintain, just like you would put effort into maintaining a car or a house, but a well-maintained marriage wherein both partners are invested in the other’s wellbeing is thoroughly lovely. 🙂 

Post # 55
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Marriage has been super easy for us! We spent years dating and living long distance and have been through a lot. But it has never been hard. He is my best friend, and even though sometimes we push each others buttons, were a team. We work well together and can get things done. We want the same things and so its easy to go about our lives without any major conflicts (like if one wants kids and the other doesnt or something like that). We have settled into a routine, work all week, cleaning on saturday, date nighrs every now and then, but we know hoe to be spontaneous and have fun. We can be together all weekend doing nothing and not fight, because were just happy to be with one another. Weve added to our family with a cat and another dog, and are saving now to buy our first home. We have already found it, just waiting for the Army to allow us to move so we can buy it and move in! Marriage shouldnt be hard. It is supposed to be fun and loving. And if it is hard or there are more bad times than good, it may be worth really looking at the relationship to be sure it is a healthy one. Marrying someone means being honest with them 100%. So they get to see you looking horrible and distraught over things and will comfort you, but appreciate the time you take to put on makeup and dress up for a date. I love being married. It is serioudly the best thing thats ever happened to me. =)

Post # 56
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

I feel like marriage can be very hard for people who do not live together/combine finances first. Sometimes moving in takes adjustment which could lead people to say marriage is difficult.

 

I also feel like marriage can be very hard for people who do not have the important talks prior to marriage (think 20, wants to get married and never discusses children/finances/future goals).

 

And it can be super hard when one person ends up being “someone else” (cheater/abuser/etc) which may or may not be due to loss of interest in the current relationship.

Obviously unforseen hardships can also cause major issues…

I think there are lots of reasons and many of them you won’t know until you reach them!

 

 

 

 

Post # 57
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think it completely depends on the couple – I don’t think there is anything inherently easy or difficult about marriage, it’s more about how you deal with different situations as a couple.  

We lived together for 2.5 years before getting married, and we’ve been married for a little over 2 years now.  I do think marriage is somewhat “easy” for us (I do think natural may be a better word, but it still doesn’t quite feel right to me – it’s just not difficult or stressful for us), but the first 6-12 months of living together were quite hard.  We were already done with that period of adjustment and working through differences when we got married.  We have also established pretty good habits in our relationship in terms of communication, where we don’t let things fester and never really end up having fights because we deal with issues as they arise, are respectful of one another, and problems never really turn into something big because they’re left to build up inside our heads.

So could marriage be hard?  Yes – I think it’s much more likely to be hard if you don’t have open/honest communication patterns, if you haven’t lived together before marriage, or if there are already problems in your relationship that might be magnified after marriage.  But it can also be quite easy.

Post # 58
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, that marriage part has been pretty easy. We had been living together for about 3 years before the wedding, so we had already gone through most of the cohabitating stress which is often assocaited with new marriages. So it didn’t really change our relationship that much.

That being said, a few months after we got married, my husband got a job a couple hours away and now we only see each other on weekends – that is hard. And it’s harder after we’ve been living together for a few years and now that we’re having to wait to TTC until we’re back in the same town. But that’s not the marriage, it’s the situation. 

Honestly, the minor hassles of having to add him to accounts and such after marriage pales in comparison to wedding planning craziness. So I think over all marraige has been pretty easy for us. Now if we can just both get jobs in the same town…

Post # 59
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Marriage is easy… right up until the moment when you have diametrically opposed viewpoints on a major issue. Then it gets hard and requires a lot of work. We’ve dealth with multiple deaths, child rearing issues for our teenager, job changes, house buying, health problems, etc. all without a problem. We’re a team. Easy.

But me wanting to TTC at all costs and him not wanting us to go through the surgeries and fertility treatments necessary to get pregnant (for both physical and financial reasons), us being on opposite sides of a huge issue… not easy at all. If I were single, I could walk myself into a fertility center, choose a donor, and be pregnant in 2 or 3 months. But when you are married you don’t have the luxury of doing whatever the hell you want to. And when your soul is longing for a baby, but you can’t because your husband/wife isn’t onboard… that makes marriage hard. We thought it wouldn’t happen to us. We discussed it ahead of time, agreed that my son from a previous relationship was plenty for us, we didn’t want more children, etc. But you know what? People can undergo a radical change of heart in the blink of an eye. I changed. My heart changed. And it has made it a very rough go for our marriange. But we are working through it because that is what you do.

Post # 60
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think living together is hard!  Especially when you’re used to living alone and having your own space.  I need a lot of alone time, and it’s often hard to come by.

I love being married, but the hard part has been remembering that I now have to include someone else in my plans and decisions.  Because I was totally independent until I was 38, I literally forget sometimes that I have to take another person into account.  It’s been a real transition for me.

I think that it makes a HUGE difference wheither you marry young or when you’re older.  All my friends who married young basically grew into adulthood WITH their spouses, and never knew anything BUT being part of a couple.  People who remained single well into adulthood have a whole new thing to deal with once they marry.

Post # 61
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Marriage has been easy for us it’s been over 3 years since the wedding, 5 since we moved in together. We have our fights and little things that get to each other (like all couples) but maintaining the relationship has never been a challenge. I love being married, especially to my husband. It’s been an excellent ride so far, and I feel really confident going into obeying parents together. Our first baby is due in April and I can’t wait for tbe next chapter, especially since it feels like we’re on a really solid base.

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