(Closed) Married Bees: what words of wisdom would you share with waiting Bees?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
4027 posts
Honey bee

@Aquaria: I think it really depends on how your relationship was structured/grew before marriage.

I was with my DH for 10 years before we got married, and we lived together for 5 years. Honestly, marriage has not been that different for us, at least for the past 6 months. Will our lives change, our love grow and will we face struggles in the future? Most definitely. But what I really enjoy about our relationship is that it didn’t change that much from dating to married life.

I would say to waiting bees, don’t expect a magical change for married life. I know some people who thought their partner would turn into an amazingly better, more loving person because they were getting married. They woke up to a very different reality after the wedding. Can people change? Yes, if they want to and work at it. But getting married does garauntee things will only get better.

Just like you did during dating, relationships require work, attention and committment. There will be exciting moment and dull periods. Compromises will have to be made and hopefully you have learned how to do that before you decided to tie the knot.

Personally, I think that many of the challenges some people face after marriage should be worked on well before the wedding day. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to live together before the wedding, but it does mean you should figure out your financial perspectives, thoughts about having children, lifestyle preferences, career goals etc. Things will change, but there really shouldn’t be any “huge surprises” in my opinion. But that’s just my thoughts. 

Post # 4
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Aquaria:  I like this thread!

I’ve only been married 3 months, but I have definitely learned that every relationship is different. What works for one couple could destroy another. Every relationship is unique. Don’t compare your relationship to others and don’t judge other relationships because they’re different than yours. Worry only about nurturing your own relationship 🙂 

That and, at a certain time each night, put down your phones/laptops/etc. and snuggle. 

Post # 5
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’ve been married a month, so no expert here. However, my husband and I have been together almost 5 years and living together for over 3 1/2 of that. Being married, while we love it, really hasn’t changed much at all (except my name and joining our finances). I saw another Bee post this, but I can’t remember who to give credit. This Bee wrote that your relationship should be at its happiest before getting married, as marriage does not equal more happiness in a relationship. Getting married won’t fix a relationship that isn’t healthy, just as having a baby won’t save a failing marriage. Go into a marriage with a happy, healthy relationship (note: this does not mean “perfect” in any way) and hopefully it will create a happy married life.

Post # 6
9124 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

View original reply
@bmo88:  +1

Weddings are hella fun but also a lot of work, so don’t glamorize them that much.  

Marriage is basically the same as being in a committed relationship, so don’t expect things to magically change.  It takes a lot of work and compromise to be blissfully happily married  🙂

Post # 7
9076 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Marriage won’t fix your problems. It needs to be on a steady foundation. If your foundation is already cracked with issues like arguing, communication or mistrust, marriage won’t fix it.

And learn to pick your battles. Not everything is as big of a deal as you may think it is. 

Post # 8
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My wedding was BEAUTIFUL and I am so grateful. But yes, a few months after the wedding, you start to wonder why you took it so seriously in the first place. It is just one day. And the minute you start ofcusing on work or babies or buying a house etc. you start forget all the little things that you obsessed over.

About marriage….. it is wonderful and I am happy that I am married. But it is not the be all/end all. It is like loosing a lot of weight. Once you do, you have a period where you are over the moon happy, but it will not MAKE you happy.

Marriage is hard work. I am SO glad that I didnt marry my first love. We had all the passion in the world but were different people and eventually passion becomes less important (though you should still have some:)

I chose my DH because he is a gentleman who treats me right, wants the same things in life, will make a wonderful father etc. This knowledge makes me want to work through those tough times (even more so for us because we work togther) and enjoy those good times even more.

Post # 9
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

ONLY Date / Marry a Man who loves you a tiny bit more than you love him

(Less heartbreak that way)

Ok, I’m only half-joking, having learned many a lesson from marrying young and being married for 20+ years the first time.

Ladies, if it is hard now to get him to see your POV be it about your Relationship, or stuff within it (differences on money, inlaws, kids, etc) IT ISN’T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER WHEN YOU GET MARRIED

When you get married things DON’T CHANGE

If anything they get worse…

As Men tend to become even more engrained in their habits / stance, and who they are.

There is an old saying that holds true…

“Women marry Men they see potential in… and dream of how they want to be in the FUTURE… (change them to meet that potential) … Men are far more simple… they marry women for who they are NOW… (and want them to never change) “

Neither point of view is realistic, or attainable.  IF either of you think this way going in… there will be a lot of heart-ache down the road.

Dating and especially being Engaged to be Married… should be the happiest time in your Relationship.  It should also be the easiest & most carefree.

If it isn’t, then you could very well be with the wrong guy for you…

I get that you’ve fallen head over heels in Love… but sometimes LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

Love isn’t the ONLY ingredient that makes for a Good Relationship / Marriage.

You also have to BOTH have… similar Goals, Values, Beliefs… be able to Commmunicate, Compromise, be Compassionate… and 100% ++++ Committed.

Unlike Dating, you are in this for the long haul / keeps.  You NEED to be able to go the distance… to tirelessly say “I LOVE YOU”… “I’ll do it”… “Thank You”… and “I’m Sorry”

Marriage is about making sacrifices for the other person… without keeping score !!

A GREAT Relationship / Mariage is about wishing the best for the other person, and making it so.  And in turn, it makes you a better person… cause your partner is doing the same for you.  It lifts you up.  It doesn’t make you feel anything but being in a better place than you’d be without them (no inadequacy, unworthy, etc)

If this isn’t the Relationship you have now… then it might be best to recognize that now… cause altho breaking up is never easy… and breaking and Engagement difficult… NOTHING CAN COMPARE that comes with the total Devastation that Divorce can bring into your life !!

(I wouldn’t wish that sh!t on my worst enemy). 

I wish I could go back to my 20 year old self, and give that woman a good shake…

Don’t do what I did, when I went into my First Marriage with blinders on…

Get it right the first time… it is a H3LL of a lot easier & rewarding (not to mention financially smart too… I’d be tons richer today if I had married the right guy the first time, no matter how little income we had… cause all that My Ex & I built in 20+ years got blown away in the Divorce.  Starting over in my 40s was no fun, and extremely difficult on so many levels)


Post # 10
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Married less than a year so no advice on the aftermath but if I could tell waiting and engaged bees one thing it would be this…..


Its just a wedding,  it s just your wedding,  dont ruin your friendships and alienate your family because they dont invest as much time/money/emotion as you do. Its everything to you but when its over you ll wonder just as I do now why everyone gets so upset about the little things. ITS JUST ONE DAY of the rest of your life!

Post # 11
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Only been married a few months, but I can confidently say one thing- being married does NOT feel wildly different. It didn’t even feel wildly different the day after we were married. All we both felt was relief that the wedding was over and that we could get back to our normal lives.  I wish I could say that I felt over the moon, elated, and like everything was perfect with the world but…I just didn’t. We woke up with heavier hands from our rings, and it *is* nice to be able to call him my *husband* but our relationship doesn’t feel any different at all… which I’m kind of happy about. We’re good together and we continue to be good together, now with the added bonus of new titles.

Maybe I’ll be singing a different tune in 10 or 20 (or 50) years, but I hope not. 

Post # 12
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Marriage is not always easy or fun. However, there is joy in coming through difficult times together and enjoying happier days. Marriage has opened my heart and helped me to overcome many barriers to true intimacy. My husband is my best friend, my partner and my big big love. We have learned to communicate in healthier ways and become more mature in the nearly seven years we have been together. 

If you are having commitment issues with your boyfriend, never give ultimatums. They either backfire or lead to an obligatory proposal, both of which are bad situations. Any couple I know who married out of obligation is either divorced or very unhappy.

Sometimes spending time away from a man who isn’t sure what he wants works wonders. It is best simply be honest about what you want and be prepared to walk away if your standards are not met. Don’t waste your best years waiting for a man who is never going to commit. 

Though your wedding day is important, it is just that: ONE DAY. It is the beginning of your married life together but it is not worth damaging your relationship with your intended. Pay for your own wedding to have the most control over it. Consider the wishes of family but make sure your wedding day mostly reflects you and your fiance. 

Post # 13
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

I disagree that the engagement period should be the easiest and most carefree time of your relationship- sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Mine was the death of my mother. However, it should be the most secure.

Our engagement period was one of the most trying of our (6 year) relationship, but we came out stronger for it.  I thought I was sure my DH was the one for me before the grief and drama that followed her death- I was 1000 times more sure by the time we married. I have no doubt we can get through anything after that.

If you are having to guess his feelings for you and his ability to be by your side through thick and thin, or your ability to be there for him if the situation were reversed, you may want to think hard about marriage. Marriage is about being a partner, being there for someone through the good and the bad. It’s not about dresses and colors and what other people think of your relationship. A marriage is about two people choosing to be together through it all- the joys and the tragedies.

Post # 14
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@This Time Round:  

Ladies, if it is hard now to get him to see your POV be it about your Relationship, or stuff within it (differences on money, inlaws, kids, etc) IT ISN’T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER WHEN YOU GET MARRIED

When you get married things DON’T CHANGE

+1,000 to this…


Post # 15
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

1. Be more invested in your impending marriage than your wedding.

2. we waited to live together until marriage, so… If that is also you, be prepared for some adjustment. It isn’t always easy.

3.Fight fair.

Post # 16
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You shouldn’t need a ring on your finger to establish that you’re in a committed relationship – you should already have established the trust, future planning, etc. so the ring and the wedding and the marriage certificate are just details.

That said, I believe it’s important to be willing to make those signs of committment, so I would never have considered buying a house or intentionally having a child with a man who wasn’t willing to put it in writing that he was planning on committing to me forever.  This may not be a common view, and I certainly don’t look down on those who feel differently than I do, but I feel that while the marriage certificate may just be a piece of paperwork, the fact that you got it says a lot about your relationship.  If you don’t think about marriage the same way I do, then feel free to ignore.

Oh, and the wedding should be the most fun but least important day of your relationship.  We had an absolute blast, but deciding to be together, to move in together, to get married in the first place – those were all much more important points in our relationship.  The wedding was just an awesome celebration.

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