(Closed) Married before the wedding?

posted 10 years ago in Legal
Post # 3
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t think it would be a problem–some people will think it’s weird but you have to remember you can’t please everyone! I do know that my school offers very low-cost health insurance, but they don’t really publicize it. Maybe your school offers the same thing?

Post # 4
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We’re getting married before the wedding! (and having 3 additional ceremonies on top of that!)  I’m on a work visa in Korea right now, and once I get married I will be switching to a much better residence visa.  Also, we won’t be able to get any housing loans under both of our names if we aren’t married, but we want to get a place together before the wedding.  It just makes much more practical sense to sign the paperwork pre-ceremonies.  The fact that we are having ceremonies in 2 countries also makes us care less about marriage + wedding being on the same day. (In Korea, the legal marriage and the wedding are always two separate things).

So, obviously I don’t think this is a problem for you, especially when you have a practical insurance issue.  I know lots of people who have done the paper work for immigration/insurance/family in two separate places reasons.  In fact, I’m kind of excited for the legal stuff to be out of the way first because then I don’t have to worry about something going wrong with the officiant and not being legally married on the day.^^

Post # 6
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We got married almost a year before the wedding for the exact same reason.  I lost my job and he had great insurance and we were already engaged so it made perfect sense.  We weren’t going to tell anyone but ended up telling our parents and siblings at Christmas.  We only told them because they were also worried about the insurance situation.  As it turns out, some other people found out because we ended up winning a magazine contest to get married in their offices that came with a hotel stay, dinner, flowers, etc. and they did a little story on us and our situation.  Everyone understood and no one thought it odd that we went through with our original wedding plans.  The funny thing is we both can’t even remember the date of the “legal” wedding- we have to look it up, because we consider the wedding with our friends and family the real deal. 

Post # 7
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

hello!!! there are a few of us on here who are married but haven’t had our wedding’s yet… ๐Ÿ˜›

my husband and I got engaged in June 2008 and our WEDDING isn’t until June 2010. We are still planning it and it’s going to be incredible!

However – our legal ceremony date was April 12, 2009. My husband has had scoliosis since childhood and 2 steel rods in his back. His back had been bothering him for about a year and a half and finally got SO bad he couldn’t take it anymore…one of the rods had started poking out of his skin…(yup gross I know! lol). In March of this year I FINALLY convinced his stubborn butt to go to the ER and we found out what was wrong and that he’d need surgery to correct it. His job doesn’t offer insurance and I have incredible insurance…so I finally asked him to marry me then.

We had a very small ceremony. Most people would just go to the courthouse (as he wanted to) but I knew that if my minister found out, she’d be crushed…so we had a ceremony on the deck of our house – just me, him, my parents and our best friends (my Maid/Matron of Honor and her husband) as witnesses). We decided not to tell anyone (although a handful of people know such as my boss at the time – as she’d done this herself 20some years ago…and I also ended up telling HIS mom when she came out the day of the surgery and asked how he was HAVING surgery without insurance!) his mom was a bit shocked but SO happy to hear that he had insurance and she promised not to tell anyone – and she hasn’t!

Let me tell you – it was SO worth it. The surgery went beautiful and he hasn’t had ANY issues since. Yeah it is a little weird to constantly call him my “fiance” at work when at home I call him my husband…I also call him my husband on all the message boards I post to online.

As for the wedding itself and taking away from it – the way I look at it…how many other women are lucky enough to get to have TWO wedding ceremonies to the one man they love?!!! We took pictures that day (course you can’t tell anyone what you were doing if they SEE those pics…lol) and I wore a pretty black/white sundress and got my hair done and everything – then we went for a very nice dinner afterwards…

Yeah – my biggest fear too is that if people were to find out they wouldn’t want to come – which is why you don’t tell them. It’s hard but it’s do-able. I haven’t changed my name yet (although I REALLY want to and am SO looking forward to it…) but at the same time, it’s also giving me this year of transition to hold on to my name that I’ve had for 30 years! I’ve chosen one or two places to use his name where I don’t have to worry about it – such as when I take our fur-babies to petco, I use my ‘married name’ with our babies… ๐Ÿ™‚

None of the gooey feelings will be lost. Believe me. Especially since I keep myself busy with all the wedding shows on tv I still get teary eyed and I KNOW for me it’s going to be more the feeling on that day of “omg – I can FINALLy share with the world that this man is my husband!!! I no longer have to keep it a secret!!!”

So yeah – that’s my story (sorry so long). Good luck with whatever decision you make!

Post # 8
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We’re planning our wedding for October 2010, but will be legally married at the end of January.  I recently left my corporate job to start my own business, and don’t have health insurance.  We are NOT telling our families, but we have told some friends.  The officiant who is performing our “real” wedding in October is also going to do the signing paperwork wedding in January.

I had a friend who did the same thing last year (legally married in Nov, real wedding in March), and she said it also helped alleviate a lot of wedding stress to know that was already taken care of (other than having to tell her minister that she was already married!).

It’s a decision we really struggled with, but I just don’t feel comfortable not having insurance for nine months.  I’ve been un-insured since Sept 1, and it’s already been kind of a pain.  We chose Jan because we wanted our anniversary year to be the same, for tax and legal reasons.

Post # 9
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would not keep it a secret if you do make it legal.  A friend did this and later had a destination wedding.  When they told people they were already married, some of their close friends and fam were FURIOUS.  Don’t lie to people.  Get married now and have a fantastic vow renewal later.

Post # 10
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t think it’s a big deal at all.  I have a friend who got married a year before their wedding.  They never told anyone, their parents don’t even know!  Now it’s a little secret they have, and they celebrate 2 anniversary’s! 

Post # 11
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m basically echoing everyone above, but we had a “secret” marriage too.  Only a handful of people know about it.  We are trying to view our wedding as the start of our “real” marriage – we don’t refer to e/o as H and W, we haven’t exchanged wedding bands, and, most importantly, the wedding will be the day we stand in front of our friends and family and say our vows to e/o.  So far it’s working, and I don’t really feel married ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
998 posts
Busy bee

the friends that i am helping to plan their wedding for april did this very recently. they just got married a couple weeks ago. the biggest reasons were for the health insurance because he works for a government contractor so they have some of the best health insurance out there. then also because they have bought a house, there is a huge tax savings when they file their income taxes. i think she told me that they were getting somewhere over 3k more filing married then if they were filing single. but it is also because of the house. my friend actually thought i was going to be mad knowing that they were getting legally married early and then having a ceremony in april. but i told her as long as they are in love then i will support them no matter what and i think people that love you will do the very same.

Post # 13
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We might do this in the weeks before our wedding, BECAUSE we are having a destination wedding, and the legal stuff is just one more headache in a different city. Also, my personal belief is that the families must witness our marriage for it to be valid, so going to the courthouse for me wouldn’t ‘feel’ married — it’s just a civil partnership. 

Post # 14
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Casa Real at Ruby Hill Winery

We are doing this too. Here are our reasons:

– we have a 19 month engagement, and we want to break that up, so we are getting married legally 6 months before the “real” wedding in September 2010.

– Fiance is in the military so he gets extra benefits starting when we get married. Also I get to have his awesome insurance.

– My parents had a civil wedding before their religious wedding (this is extremely common in Europe) and I really wanted to follow in their footsteps. There’s just something so personal and intimate about a city hall wedding, like it’s just for the two of you.

I say go for it!

Post # 15
1020 posts
Bumble bee

i actually are friends with several couples who got legally married before their weddings. most of them didn’t care that people knew they are married, one only told close friends and didn’t want others to know. i think it’s your choice whether to let people know or not. but seriously, i don’t think you should worry.

with regards to not going through the wedding, most men will get lazy since they are not into weddings like us women, but if you still plan it, i’m sure you’ll still be able to have a great wedding ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I am legally married but the ceremony is in February. I have never thought of not going through with the wedding (well, sometimes when I extremely aggravated at the wedding world). My parents did it. And I love that the hubby and I get to remember what is at the heart of a wedding which I think people lose in sight of wedding planning. So if you are confused why sometimes I call him my hubby and sometimes my fiance. That is why! lol

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