Married but have a crush. Help.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Crushes come and they go. While embarrassing and irritating, they’re completely normal, even while in a marriage.

Take that energy you put into having that crush and pour it into your marriage. Find yourself daydreaming about your crush? Give your husband a kiss. About to check your phone for a message from your crush? Take your husband out to wine and dine.

As for your sex life, crushes can spice it up quite well. I know it sounds bad but whatever you’ve found yourself imagining doing with your crush, do it with your husband. It can open up new worlds.

Your crush will be moving jobs soon, your feelings for him will fade, I promise. But until then, keep on avoiding him and giving that attention you’d like to give him to your husband instead.

Post # 3
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

Dear Bee – first cut yourself a wee bit of slack as you are doing your best to be a wonderful, faithful wife. You’ve mentioned that there is a lot going on at home right now that precipitated this – and I would look here first. What aren’t you getting at home, and how might you get that in a healthy way that strengthens your marriage?

perhaps you can take a day off to extend a lweekend to spend with your husband, or even take a half day off, or long lunch to plan a date.

Heck, while you are at it, make a plan to do some kind things for yourself such as sleeping in and get some rest.

have you been seeing anyone to help you deal with your husband’s mental heath? It may be wise to consider doing this so that you have additional support.

last, you mentioned this colleague is moving on soon – that is good news because it simplifies things. But again, you should address the underlying causes of these feelings.

hugs & wishing you the best!

Post # 4
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Oh hugs bee,

The good news is you recognized a problem and took steps to keep from making things worse.  Give yourself some credit…..You’re doing okay for your situation.  Are you getting any counseling for yourself?  Are you taking any time for yourself?  It sounds like you are supporting your husband at the expense of taking care of your needs and in the end that helps noone.

You need support too bee.  Make that a priority.  

Many hugs bee.  I hope things get better.

Post # 5
Member
736 posts
Busy bee

Is this guy *actively attempting to pursue you* knowing you’re married (showing you a lot of attention, texting, etc)? If so, that’s so uncool. That should be enough to turn you right off of him. You are doing the right thing by avoiding his flirtation. Now see him for what he is — take off your rose-colored glasses and recognize a man with very poor character. 

Post # 6
Member
2816 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that you are being harsh on yourself. You are doing what you can right now – avoiding contact, not putting yourself in dumb situations, not acting on anything. And this is a temporary situation you won’t have to endure for too much longer!

I also agree that you need to focus on the issues within your marriage. It sounds like you’re checking out with your husband a bit and that is the underlying cause of the problem. That coupled with an attractive acquaintance showing a lot of interest in you is a dangerous combo. 

Post # 7
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

Crushes are perfectly normal and you are finding ways to ensure you don’t cross any boundaries so that is great.

It sounds like this guy is interested so just make some comments around him about your husband and maybe burp or be gross infront of him a lot so he backs off haha. As much as you dont want him to stop with the attention, it is for the best. 

Post # 7
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

Crushes are perfectly normal and you are finding ways to ensure you don’t cross any boundaries so that is great.

It sounds like this guy is interested so just make some comments around him about your husband and maybe burp or be gross infront of him a lot so he backs off haha. As much as you dont want him to stop with the attention, it is for the best. 

Post # 9
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

How did he get your number?  You gave it to him?  I would never give out my number unless it’s for work.  And if he is texting me and had nothing to do with work,  then he crossed the line. 

Post # 10
Member
7979 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree that crushes can happen. That isn’t necessarily your fault. But any thoughts you have about this man that you don’t shut down immediately are choices that will make it much harder not to act on this crush. So if an inappropriate thought comes into your head, you need to change the subject in your head and not entertain that thought. Give yourself zero tolerance for it because every inappropriate thought, no matter how exciting or titillating, only makes this process that much harder for you.

It may be hard to see this right now, but your feelings are temporary. Especially once your colleague moves on, it will be easier to put this into perspective. In the meantime, everyone has some unattractive traits; can you identify any of his? It can help to realize that he is a flawed human being like everyone else and not some irresistible attraction you cannot overcome.

 

Post # 11
Member
14175 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There are separate, but related issues here. As far as a crush, I totally disagree with PPs that it’s something that happens to you as opposed to something you choose to indulge.  

But there are some serious issues here. For better or worse, I think you need to be focusing on those.

Post # 12
Member
468 posts
Helper bee

It’s normal to have a crush. You’re right to justg avoid him, and thankfully he will be leaving your office soon. Out of sight, out of mind. It will pass with time and distance. When he leaves your job, I suggest you block his number for your own sake. PPs also made a good point, you’re going through some tough times in your marriage – now is the moment to turn inwards towards your husband to rebuild the intimacy between you two.

On another note, it sounds a little like he is pursuing you even though he knows (I presume) you’re married. Be wary of people who don’t respect the bond of marriage.

Post # 13
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I too am surprised he has your number and is using it to be personal with you. That would just instantly kill my crush on him if I had one. He sounds like a bit of a jerk, honestly. 

Either two things happened. 1) He knows you’re married, in which case he is the worst type of human imaginable and it’s hard for me to pity you if you have a crush on a man like that, or 2) He has no idea that you’re married, and you never told him you were, in which case you are only making the situation worse for yourself, and deceiving him, which is unfair to him – and I definitely would not pity you then. 

But PPs are right, bee. You’re making the right steps, and he’ll be out of your life soon. If you don’t want to right now, definitely block his number as soon as he leaves the company, and move on. 

If you’re friends on any social media, squash it now. 

Post # 14
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

View original reply
eviedee :  First off how did this man get your phone number?????? 

I can come here and say the same thing as crushes happen but this phone number thing is not cool. I think there are somethings you are not saying. I am sure there has been a lot more conversations going between the two of you than you lead on. I can bet there has been some flirting on your part as well as his. Everyone is quick to blame him but what about you? It takes two, you maybe are taking the right steps now before it gets to the next level but the first level already started. 

Post # 15
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

I disagree that crushes just happen. It takes a certain about of mental manipulation on your part to indulge in the crush and allow it to grow to the point where you’re thinking about him all the time. You could have prevented the crush from even forming by shutting it down immediately and not engaging in inappropriate thoughts and probably interactions. But you’re doing the right thing now by essentially ignoring him until he moves away. But I agree with others that you need to get to the root of the problem which is why your mind was so eager to indulge in the crush in the first place…stress or dissatisfaction at home with your husband may be the culprit.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors