Married but have a crush. Help.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

I will question as well why he has your number. In some offices/workplaces this is totally normal, I have some of my closest coworkers numbers for logistical reasons so maybe that’s the case here. If NOT, then how did that come about? Obviously if you gave it to him without a work reason you are signaling that you are open to the attention and to ME, that’s where your crush went from innocent to not. If you don’t NEED his number for work related reasons then block it for the health of your marriage.

Crushes are to be expected honestly. I can’t imagine all the people in the world and you’re never going to have a crush just because you are married. However if you find it taking up a lot of your mental time I’d try to take the fantasy out a bit further. Say you hook up with this guy and become a thing because the grass is greener right? Now think of how he acts when he gets sick, gets angry, think about how he texts his mother every day and chats with her about your insecurities, he puts the toilet paper roll on the wrong way and is horrible with kids. Do you know any of this to be true? Of course not, but you don’t know your fantasies are true either. Maybe he’s a terrible lover, way too much tongue when he kisses, doesn’t think about what you want. Carry the “fantasy” out a bit more and you’ll realize he’s very likely not ALL you’ve built him up to be. And in everyday life after the honeymoon period he’s very likely not much different than anyone else. So try those thought exercises, when you feel yourself putting him up of this “crush” pedestal, remember that at the end of the day he’s a flawed person just like everyone else.

When you do start having these fantasies write down WHAT you are fantasizing. I don’t mean the dirty details lol but WHY do you fantasize it, what does it make you feel? Do you feel sexually wanted, listened to, stress-free, cared for? What are the fantasies fulfilling for you that you don’t feel like you are receiving at home? Identifying the problems are going to be a huge step. Then start fantasizing about how your husband can fulfill these needs for you. What exactly are you needing from HIM to feel in real life how the fantasy makes you feel. 

Dealing with mental health stuff is tough but it sounds like your husband is continuing to seek help and try different things to get better and stay well. If that’s true then that’s huge. Nothing from your post sounds like either of you have fallen out of love or have a bad relationship. Maybe you are just missing some of the intimacy. So focus on bringing that back to the relationship. Intimacy without expectation. Take a walk. Take a bath together. Take online quizzes to figure out your love languages and take the steps to talk to your partner in their language. It may feel corny and forced at first but we all hit these bumps and have to put in the work to get over them. Can you look at your husband and say “ya my coworker is definitely worth hurting him over.” If yes, it’s divorce time, if no, then snap yourself back to reality and tell your husband you need his support and love and comfort just as much as he needs yours. 

 

Post # 17
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like you’re doing everything correctly for the most part, but…

 

How did he get your number though?

 

I am confusion. 

Post # 18
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think you will receive very different opinions about this. I think at one point or another every man or women might have a fantasy about some hot man or women they might see in passing or work with, etc. My husband and I are very comfortable with our marriage though, we have a big rule of you can look all you want, but dont touch. 

Although i agree, he shouldnt have your number unless its out of necessity for work related reasons. I also think you need to find something else to occupy your mind, thinking so much about any one person is overboard in general. 

you also need to work out your sex life with your husband. I too have fallen in the past into a slump where husband and I arent as intimate, and we both start to question everything, bicker, etc. Its something you have to work at together though, if it requires spicing it up in the bedroom to get that spark back, then do what you gotta do. I feel like lots of people go through a sexual slump once you become too comfortable and married and stuck in your boring everyday schedules. Its definitely happened to D.H. and I a handful of times over the years. 

Post # 19
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

If it makes you feel any better, this happened to me when I was married. I was working in a law firm and one of the attorneys in our department started paying me attention and flirting with me, singling me out. He was married too. I was drawn to him too, but it made me extremely uncomfortable because he was senior to me and obviously this made it difficult.

Depending on the power dynamics, these kinds of situations can be very awkward.

In my situation, I eventually resigned, but if I had stayed, I would have asked to be moved to a different department. In your case, the fact that your crush is moving will make a big difference.

However, this is just surface-level stuff. The fact that you are doing your best not to act on your crush is good, but you need to try and find out why it has happened in the first place. Much as people might try to give you a hard time for letting this guy have your number, you are a human being, and this problem needs a human solution, not a practical one.

You need to try and find out what is missing in your life that is causing you to be drawn to this man. Knowing that information will take a lot of the power out of this crush, because you will see him as a symptom of this missing piece, rather than as something extraordinary and unattainable.

I highly recommend watching Esther Perel’s YouTube videos on infidelity; she delves deeply into the reasons why people have affairs, and her material is very helpful.

Post # 21
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I really think that the significantly reduced sex life needs to be given some attention in your marriage. I know every couple and every person is different in their drive and/or importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship, but it sounds like in yours it is important to you and it is bothering you. I can’t tell from your wording if the reduction is due to something with his condition or meds he is on, or just the general stress of you both dealing with it and disconnection. And again, I don’t know what has been normal for your relationship in the past or what frequency would be ideal for you both, but once a month just sounds like so very little to me and of course that it would further affect your connection with eachother. I would personally struggle to feel connected and wanted by my partner if our sex life dwindled to once a month, unless it was something he truly could not help (in which case thats an entirely different issue.) I just feel like this may be why you are developing this crush so strongly, theres some vulnerability there due to your relationship struggles and this guy is offering attention that superficially fills some of that void.  

Post # 23
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2017

 eviedee :

 

Previous replies have covered most of what I wanted to say.

 

 To add a practical thing that I have used before when I have developed crushes. It’s an idea from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). 

 

These are just thoughts, you have no desire to act on them. But the longer you give these thoughts significance ie. What does this mean?! Am I being inappropriate?!  They are likely to hang about. Remember the whole “don’t think about pink polar bears” demo. You need to change your relationship with the thoughts.

 

1. Notice the thought, and describe it as such “I am having thoughts about how attractive Dave is” and give it a label “It’s the ‘I have a crush on Dave’ story again!” 

 

2. Be silly with it. “oh there’s Dave, better chain myself to the desk so I don’t run off into the sunset with him” Imagine him and you in over the top period drama outfits declaring your undying love for each other across the office in sonnet form- make it ridiculous. Imagine him singing cheesy love songs with a banjo and a rose in his mouth….

 

What you are aiming for is to change your relationship with the thoughts so they aren’t so weighty and meaningful. They will quiten down eventually, but not while they seem oh so serious.

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