(Closed) Married but Separate Residences?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
47342 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you were living further apart such that one of you would end up with a horrendous commute, it would be easier to understand.

My first thought, after the obvious, is what a lot of money you will waste maintaining two residences, money that could be used for better purposes- fabauous travel, funding your retirement, are two that come immediately to mind.

Post # 17
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee

Tim Burton and his former wife lived in separate houses for many years.  I believe it was a duplex kind of situation and they each lived in half (I don’t know the British phrasing for duplex). 

They separated but I  don’t think it was due to their living situation.  

Post # 18
Member
7504 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Whatever floats your boat really. I don’t think it is all that much different than working completely opposite schedules and only seeing each other on your days off.

Post # 19
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Whatever works for you two as a couple is what you should do. I don’t think it’s something I’d end up doing but I absolutely can see why some couples may want to. There are major benefits to having a place in the city and in the suburbs, and since children don’t factor into the equation I don’t see why it’d be an issue to live apart.

To me it doesn’t alter the commitment or closeness of the couple. I’ve seen couples who lived together and had virtually nothing to do with each other (two ships passing in the night kind of thing), and others who lived apart but put that much more effort into actually spending time together. So it’s not a strange idea to me.

Post # 20
Member
5085 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
poetothank:  I can’t even pretend to understand why anyone would want to get married and live apart. It just seems like a huge hassle, both time-wise and money-wise, having to maintain two residences at the same time, paying two rents, having to schedule seeing eachother. It just seems like dating rather than marriage. I’d rather just get a second bedroom if I wanted space. 

That said, whatever you want to do in your marriage is fine as long as both parties agree and are happy with it. 

Post # 21
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I know a couple who are perfectly happy maintaining different residences, they’ve been together for over 10 years, but they are not married and they are in their late 40’s early 50’s.  I could never do that personally, I am one of those people who does love privacy, but i absoloutely love living with my husband in our one bedroom condo, I can’t imagine it any other way.

But as the saying goes “what ever works”

Post # 22
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
poetothank:  DH’s mom and her SO have been together close to 30 years. They live in a small town and could walk to each other’s homes, and they have never and will never share a residence. They’re both very independent and like have g their own space. Only you know what works for you and your spouse. If having your own residences is key to your relationship/life than do it. 

Post # 23
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
poetothank:  I don’t see this as an issue if it works for you. I do not live with my fiance to be YET.

I have my own place, and he has a 3br condo. We have discussed living together, and let’s be honest, I stay there more than my own place. But I like having my own space. I also told him that when we live together, I absolutely, positively, HAVE to have my own room. It doesn’t need to have a bed in it, maybe a couch and a comfy chair, but it must be mine and mine alone. Why? I like my space. I need my space. If I’m having a bad enough day, someone in my space is just going to make me mad. I’m also bipolar, which also makes my own personal space important.

I’m not sure I would live separately together, just because it’s cheaper to live together, but again I must have my own space. If this works for you, who cares? They say distance makes the heart grow fonder!!

Post # 24
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

I have to laugh at a few of the “oh gosh, not me. What a waste of money and why get married” comments when all you asked was for comments from people in similar situations. Good for you for doing what you want in your relationship. 

Post # 25
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’ll start as everyone else did and say whatever floats your boat, however, you are putting this out there so you obviously want opinions.

Marriage is about coming together as one. Why bother if you aren’t willling to compromise? I could understand if you lived in different conountries and had job restrictions etc but not wanting to give up a “great” apartment? How about wanting a great marriage? I just don’t and won’t understand how you live apart, pay seperate bills and considered yourself married. In French we’d say “c’est vraiment du gaspillage”. Meaning what a frikkin waste .. time, money, etc….

Post # 26
Member
47342 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
EDubbs:  Are you in a similar situation to the OP? If not,  your comment is equally irrelevant.

Post # 27
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

 

View original reply
IveBeenDreaming:  I second all of this

Post # 28
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
julies1949:  I don’t live with Fiance and undecided about what we are doing after we are married.  My work life makes it complicated. My Girlfriend may use my place and split costs on my co-op, but Logistically and comfortability I may keep it.  how is my comment not relevant? All the OP asked was a simple question for who’s in a similar situation!

Post # 29
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I say do whatever works for you. A lot of people don’t understand a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean that anyone else’s disapproval should impact your decisions. I live in a home with DH and our children, but I can easily see how not living together might be easier in a relationship without children. DH and I have even discussed living separately when the kids are away at University (and beyond), mainly because we live in a rural area. DH loves it, and I do concede it is an ideal place to raise children, but I am not terribly fond of rural life. I enjoy living in cities with things to do and places to see. It is likely that if we do keep separate residences we will still live together and just split time between the two places, but it isn’t out of the question to stay separately at times.

As for a great marriage, IMO, that means doing what is right for the two of you as a couple. Your marriage can be just as strong and just as committed whether you have two residences or just one.

Post # 30
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think they call these things “LAT” relationships, “living apart together” and they are done by many people all over the world. You might have better success looking for others with that lifetyle if you search by that term. ๐Ÿ™‚

Word to the wise: Ignore any suggestions from members with over 10,000 posts. They have no life and comment some generic google response on every thread regardless of whether it applies to them or not.

The topic ‘Married but Separate Residences?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors