(Closed) Married, but still want a wedding.

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll:
    Yes : (137 votes)
    55 %
    No : (110 votes)
    45 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    2417 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    How is it “gift grabby” if you didn’t receive gifts from your secret ceremony? I don’t understand. I find it far more weird for people to live together for years as if they are married and then “make it official” 5-10 years after they’ve lived together. But I’d still celebrate & give a handsome gift for that, as well. I’d celebrate the love and commitment, regardless, because these are people I care about! 

    Post # 47
    Member
    905 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My sister and her husband got married years ago at the end of December at a courthouse solely for tax purposes, but had their wedding a couple weeks later. They don’t count the courthouse as their wedding; they didn’t exchange rings, they don’t count the date as anything special, they didn’t consummate it, move in together, etc. No one saw their wedding in January as anything but their wedding. 

    You do you.

    Post # 48
    Member
    9033 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    readytobemommy:  well a lot of people take issue with their loved ones lying to them so there is that.

    There is nothing wrong with getting married legally then having a wedding so why is there the need to lie about it?

    Post # 49
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee

    Bridey77:  I never said to hide the fact or lie that they got married. I don’t think that’s at all necessary or right. thats a different story. in my personal experience when we did our courthouse wedding it was on a necessity basis. i dont think of it as my real wedding. No rings were exchange, just mainly looked at it as paperwork. we didn’t invite anyone because we didn’t view it as our true wedding. But I do tell people we are married. It’s not a secret. I made that clear in my last post that all friends and family who care about you will not care if you already did the marriage certificate. They will still want to celebrate your union. I see no reason to have to lie about it. Who said to lie?

     

    ETA: I still don’t see what is so gift grabby about it. If you didn’t view the courthouse as a true wedding (that no one was present for) and more like just doing to paperwork of getting the marriage certificate, but then having the actual wedding party a different day. Is it not the same? You didn’t get gifts for both events. And is the expense of the wedding to the bride and groom not the same? 

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  joco.
    Post # 50
    Member
    5221 posts
    Bee Keeper

    joco:  Whether you see it as a “true wedding” or not, you became legally wed at the court house. It is what it is, and there is no changing that. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    5221 posts
    Bee Keeper

    jannigirl:  Because a lot of people will not gift a vow renweal, or treat it the same as an actual wedding. That is why people get married in secret and then have big, formal weddings. Why else would they lie about it? 

    Post # 52
    Member
    1143 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    mrscali13:  Maybe they didn’t count the courthouse wedding as their wedding, but as you know, if they had wanted to separate after that they would have had to divorce. It was therefore a wedding in every sense of the word. You don’t get to pick and choose or make words up or pretend that getting married isn’t really getting married. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    cblank181:  

    I think it all depends on how supportive your family will be. If you know they won’t care that you’re already married, then by all means have a vow renewal with all the trimmings if that what makes you happy. You don’t want to plan a splashy event and then have to endure side eye from people you care about. 

    As someone who eloped, I will admit that it find it annoying when people treat elopements as though they are not real weddings. Your wedding is the day you get married. Having a private ceremony doesn’t make a wedding less real. 

     

    Post # 55
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    futuremrsguzman:  

    +1

    Lying to loved ones about being married is so deceitful and tacky. 

    I don’t have any respect for such disingenous behavior. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    520 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    readytobemommy:  But why would’t you tell folks that you’re already married? Why make it a big secret, or a lie of omission?

    Post # 58
    Member
    520 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    readytobemommy:  Not to be harsh…but you should be proud of your wedding day, no matter what the circumstances. It’s your real wedding day, so why not treasure it for what it is, instead of trying to remake it after the fact?

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  TinderBoxx.
    Post # 59
    Member
    857 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I did this (and called it a wedding) and have no regrets. None of my friends/family cared, all were just happy and excited for us. I have to leave for work now so I can’t write a longer comment but feel free to PM me if you have any questions about it!

    Post # 60
    Member
    1232 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    It would bother me to hide this, and it would bother me if I later found out that friends had deceived me this way.  My fi and I would LOVE to be married – it would make a lot of things in our lives right now a lot easier.  THe one exception is our tax situation, as we will pay a marriage penalty.  But since we’re already going to be married by the end of this year (the only thing that matters for the IRS) it would be easier right now to go down to City Hall and tie the knot legally.  But we’re not.  Why?  Because we’ve planned a big celebration for October and will invite our nearest and dearest to come witness us exchange our vows.  To do so before that and then proceed with a “wedding” would be a deception.

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