(Closed) Married, but still want a wedding.

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll:
    Yes : (137 votes)
    55 %
    No : (110 votes)
    45 %
  • Post # 61
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee

    cblank181:  I don’t see any issue with it. If you want to plan a nice bash, you should do it. Life is too short to worry about every single comment that comes out of people’s mouths. I’m sure you will look beautiful with your dress! Have fun planning!

    Post # 62
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    cblank181:  Yes, I would still have a wedding reception. You already had a civil ceremony but no celebration. So now you get to celebrate. Tell people exactly that. ‘We had our civil wedding but now we want to celebrate our wedding with you! Come to our belated wedding celebration’. You could still even have some humanistic sort of officiant reading making a nice speech and you can read your vows to each other etc. and have your friends and family witnessing this special moment.

    We may have to do the same because our paperwork may not get done in time (lots of documents have to be translated, attested etc) and I assure you people don’t give a $it. Very common in many countries and cultures I assure you. What our dear friends and family want is to get to take some nice pictures of us when we exchange our rings, and then party with us. I honestly don’t understand why some people get so riled up over this. In fact before reading The Knot I had no idea this was an ‘issue’. Some people these days take too much offense in things that don’t even concern them. 

    Congrats on your wedding and wish you a lovely wedding reception!

    Post # 63
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    Kikibear:  “I bet everyone wouldn’t be so excited if they knew you were lying.”

    Lol thats a bet you would lose. It took me 34 years to find my soul mate. He is the baby of his family. Our happiness is THE most important thing to our friends and family. They couldn’t care less what we do, or how we do it, they are just happy we are happy, as they should be. I don’t care what anyone else thinks of it and neither should OP. We are doing it the way we want and the only people frowning on it are randoms on the internet. Who cares? 

    When he proposed it was just the two of us. The verbiage was to the effect of “will you marry me in the presence of our family and friends”.. which is very appropiate seeing as how we have never been married in the presence of our family and friends before.

    This is my first time and his. I have been dreaming of, and looking forward to that moment, my enitire life as has he. Why on earth should we forego it for anyone else? Those are moments we deserve to have. We never even exchanged rings at the court house. Fiance was looking forward to the excitement of purchasing one and creating that moment and he did a beautful job. I wouldn’t change the way we did things for anything.

    I think this post is good for OP and answered her questions and worst fears. You get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly about how people may react wether they say it to your face or not. Have the wedding and ceremony you want and deserve and don’t let anyone tell you you don’t deserve that! Of all of these replies, for your situation, I like the idea of calling it a “Marriage Blessing” on the invites the best. Those who don’t know you are already married will likely think it’s “just a wedding” (I wouldn’t think vow renewal if I got an invite that said Marriage Blessing). Those who do know, will get why you are calling it that. Seems like a win, win to me. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    483 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    cblank181:  I think you should get to have the wedding you want. We want to get married in Puerto Rico. This has been our goal and what we have been planning for. A big wedding in Puerto Rico among our family members in a Catholic Church. That being said, we live in Florida and plan to get married in a small town in the country in PR. Getting married ahead of time through the courts was actually encouraged by a few of the priests I have spoken to as well as my parents (who are devout Catholics) which actually surprised me. But this is more because of the fact that it can be a difficult process to get all the paperwork in order in PR and we have a limited time to spend in PR because of work. We plan to go within the next coming week to do a quick court “marriage” but do not plan to really celebrate it and it will only be with us and 2 witnesses. My parents are not invited but are aware. And we plan to go to Puerto Rico and do the official church ceremony with a reception. Some family is aware since I spoke to some people just trying to decide what the best thing to do and I have not had any issues. But each situation is different and not everyone is understanding. But I just say do what you would like to do. We cant please everyone honestly.

    Post # 65
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee

    No idea why anyone would care if you’ve already got married? You can have a wedding if you want to. I am a long lurker and I’ve noticed bees think if you’ve already been married then you shouldn’t have a wedding which isn’t fair considering they’re all planning weddings. There’s a reason why people have to get married at a court house prior to their wedding and I’ve noticed some reasons have been Fiance visa, military deployment/change of station, etc. Why aren’t they allowed to have a wedding? Not everyone has perfect circumstances where they can wait to have a wedding ceremony. 

    Some people are saying that if she has a wedding it’s considered gift grabby. Which is a bit weird. Mostly everyone on this site are having a ceremony of some sort so wouldn’t the whole idea of having a ceremony, inviting your friends and family considered as gift grabby? Circumstances happen beyond people’s control and it’s upsetting that people don’t think she should be allowed to celebrate her marriage to her husband with her friends and family. How do we know if she’s even asking for gifts? We don’t. 

    She should be able to call her ceremony whatever she wants. If she wants to call it a wedding, she can, I believe she said people already knew she’s married. It really doesn’t matter. Wedding ceremonies aren’t exclusively for people who AREN’T married anyways if they were there wouldn’t be ceremonies called silver or gold weddings. The definition of a wedding is a celebration, act of joining together, an anniversary of a marriage, etc. Theres also different types of weddings like destination weddings, there’s silver weddings, gold weddings, and vow renewal weddings. So hypothetically she can have a wedding based on these definitions.

    Bee, do whatever you want. Your friends and family aren’t going to care if they know of your situation. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    Before gay marriage was legal, my cousin “married” her wife but they couldn’t legally do it. It was “just” a “ceremony of the hearts”, should she have not called it a wedding then? I have a friend who is marrying boyfriend next year, and they prefer not to do it legally because they don’t see the point. Is theirs not a wedding either? A wedding to me is about vows not legal documents. 

    I don’t understand why so many of you are hung up on the courthouse and “legal piece”. What are you a bunch of lawyers? It’s just a piece of paper, it’s the couple who decides what it means to them. To us, it meant very little. It’s what we will vow to each other next year that is important. You can get legally married AND divorced for under $600 in CA. Anyone can do it. It’s not hard. Being “legally” married actually means very little besides paperwork and $ (unless a couple says it does).  People make commitments to each other that last a lifetime, without the paperwork, every single day. And it should be celebrated! Even if they got that piece of paper before gasp!

    Also, there’s no big lie here. No ones running around declaring “COME TO OUR VERY FIRST TIME EVER SAYING ANY KIND OF VOWS TO EACH OTHER AND BUY US PRESENTS”. If that’s what you take out of receiving a wedding invitation that’s your problem. I haven’t had to lie to a single person. How is it shady or getting one over on YOU? A loved one is inviting you to attend a ceremony in which they will exchange vows with their soulmate, feed you, supply you with beverages and entertainment, and they are calling it a wedding, but because they got that piece of paper first, they are lying bastards!  GTFO with that s#!t 

    Post # 67
    Member
    905 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    MarmotaLinda:  Legally, yes. However, many people, my family included, see marriage before God as more important than a piece of paper from the government. So their wedding, performed by our pastor, was their wedding. The piece of paper was just a legality that happened to occur a couple weeks before their wedding and not the morning of, like most people do it.

    And if they had wanted to separate in those couple weeks, no, they would not have to get divorced. Because their ‘legal marriage’ wasn’t consummated and there was no cohabitation before the wedding, it would be annulled.

    Post # 68
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee

    Of course you can have a wedding. If you have a loving family and caring friends, they won’t care if you call it a wedding or whatever else. They’ll just want you be happy and celebrate with you. 

    If your family/friends are judgmental and care more about semantics and etiquette than substance, then call it a vow renewal. But then why would you want to celebrate with them anyways?

    Post # 69
    Member
    893 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    BoriNena89:  That’s a convalidation, which is a totally different thing.

    Post # 70
    Member
    2456 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Call it a “ceremony” call it a “wedding” call it a “blessing” call it a “vow renewal” call it “Aunt Lois’ chihuahua Peppy’s Bark Mitzvah”, JUST DO IT!!!!!

    If you care to divulge the circumstances of the original legal commitment, then share that and no one will give you the fish eye. If you don’t, tell everyone present that you are overjoyed that all are together celebrating your joy.

    Cannot figure out why anyone who LOVES YOU could possibly CARE that the legal aspect had in your case become detached from the celebration, and if you are obligated to invite someone who will be……. What, OFFENDED? Take their opinion for what it’s worth (nothing!) and enjoy the day!

    Post # 71
    Member
    893 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    mrsbrizz2017:  Your gay marriage example is NOT a good comparison.  Your cousin could not, legally, get married.  So what on earth was she supposed to do other than have something called a wedding?  I also bet she would heartily disagree with your whole “it’s just a piece of paper” argument.  If it’s just a piece of paper, why were gay people fighting so hard for the right to marry?

    And your friend who’s “getting married” but not legally?  No, she’s not having a wedding.  It’s a legas status of which she is choosing not to avail herself.  Totally fine, and she should do what her little heart desires, but she is not getting married.

    Marriage confers a lot of legal benefits.  A wedding is the point in time where a marriage happens.

    Post # 72
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    Kikibear:  I disagree entirely. A wedding is a commitment between two people to be together forever, and people have been getting married and having weddings long before doing so had any legal benefits etc.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  freebird.
    Post # 73
    Member
    44 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    Let it be clear that you’re not hiding to but yes, of course. You can do whatever you feel like! Plus like you said, just because life got in the way doesn’t mean you can’t do what you want now 🙂 Congrats on getting married BTW! 

    Post # 74
    Member
    893 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    freebird:  Yes, that’s true.  But marriage does have legal benefits, and does mean a certain thing NOW, in this day and age.  Even the Catholic Church recognizes that.  You can’t get married in the church without it being legally, as well as spiritually, binding.  

    Post # 75
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    Kikibear:  Actually, Gay marriage is legal now and they are still chosing not to get the piece of paper. If she could go back, she says they’d do it the same. You see, there are benefits to not being legally married too. Like being a single Mom “on paper” for my cousins wife (though I’m sure you would argue they aren’t married). And that’s their business. And I’m happy they are happy. It’s seriously no body’s business wether you sign a damn marriage license or not after your ceremony. If that’s all your focused on at wedding your missing the entire point. 

    The topic ‘Married, but still want a wedding.’ is closed to new replies.

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