Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Regular poster going incognito with a minor major delima. I love Fiance and can’t wait to marry him. There. That having been said. I have a friend…a best friend who I truly love. We have been freinds for a decade. We never hooked up, feelings were there at several different points but it just never happened. We have seen eachother in and out of multiple relationships.
Now this friend lives out of town so I rarely see him. But when he comes to visit I get these butterfly feelings, and want to spend tons of time with him, and we casualy flirt (as we have always done). I don’t see this as wrong because I would feel almost the same if he were one of my girlfriends. I really do love him. The problem is he is a man, and he is attractive, and he makes me wonder what if?
No, I do not want to hook up or cheat, no, I do not want to be with him. But I can’t help the history we have and second guessing if we should have given each other a chance.
Needless to say he’s in town again and I find myself questioning me and Fiance…Anybody go through this?
Post # 3
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
In the beginning when we would talk about marriage I would have moments when I thought, “OMG, am I doing the right thing?! Are we really going to make things work forever?” Eventually I became more secure in the decision to marry him, and now I don’t have doubts. I think it’s normal to have some “what if” feelings.
That said, this relationship with your friend seems waaaaay too tempting. If you want to make things last with your Fiance, you really need to guard the relationship. That means you’re never alone with this friend and you do not engage in private conversation. Otherwise you run the risk of letting go and becoming involved with this guy… either emotionally or physically.
Post # 4
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I’ve had maybe one doubt, but then I realized I was psycho and now I’m pretty content with spending the rest of my life with him.
Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
You feel the way you do about your friend because it is unexplored. The moment you explore it, you’ll do three things–
1. Blow the illusion.
2. Ruin the friendship.
3. lose your fiance.
We always want what is forbidden or off limits. Everything will change once you go for it. There’s a reason you haven’t gone for it up till now, within 10 years. So I’d trust that.
Post # 6
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
I had a couple of “what if” thoughts. I always wound up shaking my head after I realized I Couldn’t possibly imagine my life without my husband.
Post # 8
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
@honeybee1999: +1.
I completely agree. Sometimes I may see other guys or have guy friends and think “what if?”–but what if’s are natural. What if I went to a different college? Had a different job? Etc.: your life would be totally different. if you don’t subscribe to the theory of soulmates–which is perfectly fine!–that means there can be an infinite number of possible guys you COULD be with. Obviously something worked between you and your fiance in the first place that caused you to get engaged and to want to get married to him! I would remember THAT, and get yourself out of temptation with the other guy. If you’re always questioning “what if?” then I don’t think it’s healthy to hang out with him anymore until those feelings go away. It’s not just that there’s temptation to cheat: there’s temptation to break up with your Fiance and pursue something that will likely not be as healthy as you and your fiance are together, which is not a good idea either.
Post # 9
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I am a very careful person. So- if I want something I will not admit it until I have it. This also translates into- I was very hesitant to get married. My mum has been married 4 times. I think it is good to really question it, just like I really questioned whether we wanted to start a family. It is a very serious thing. I don’t know what to tell you OP, but I know I wouldn’t like my Fiance having a friend like that (personally, it would hurt my feelings). But I guess as long as you are not wondering about the future…
There is someone from my past I wonder about but I have told Darling Husband all about it and I do not see him anymore. (Stopped seeing him before I met Darling Husband.) I think it is natural to wonder sometimes.
Post # 10
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Thanks for the advice! I think it is pretty much what @honeybee1999: said. The unknown is sometimes so interesting/appealing. Meanwhile I know I have a wonderful man at home who I never doubt being with 340 days of the year. Then my best friend comes into town to visit his family and I seem to forget everything great about my fiance
Post # 11
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
If you want you might sit down and think why you never dated your friend. Also, if you were to go for it, what would be your friend’s reaction? Would he also go for it? Is he good for you fundamentally, ie, overall compatibility, similar goals and aspirations, similar family values, ethics and morality, same view on marriage, fidelity and kids etc. Love alone cannot be the basis of a good marriage; it is necessary but you need other ingredients to make it work. Do your have these things with your fiance? Or is there a basic lack of understanding somewhere, and that void is filled by your friend? Do you feel like nobody understands you like your friend?
Give a thought to who is better suited to you as a life partner and then you’ll know what you should do. I know you didn’t ask for any advise regarding this part, but I couldn’t help but wonder if there’s a deeper connection between you and your friend that you perhaps haven’t explored?
Post # 12
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
I think you need to stay away from your “best friend.” My girlfriends don’t give me butterflies and we definitely don’t flirt. They also don’t make me question me and my husband.
Too many people start their adultery stories with “we were just friends, we were hanging out, I liked to talk to him, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, etc.” But they did do something wrong. They knew they were attracted to these people and they didn’t walk away when they could have.
Thinking what if is normal but make sure you’re not settling. I can’t have “best friend,” I want to get married and settle down, Fiance is a great guy, I’ll marry him. Lots of people divorce when they settle for “good enough” the minute they meet “we were just friends and he listened to me, etc.”
I think if you want your relationship to work, you need to get butterflies only for your Fiance. If he doesn’t cause them, that’s sad but I definitely wouldn’t generate them with anyone else.
You don’t keep your favorite cake in the house if you’re on a diet, leave “best friend” alone.
Post # 13
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee
There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of people you could have a great relationship with. There are 7 billion people on Earth. Marriage is a decision to stick with the one you love and make him the one forever (barring physical abuse, cheating etc) no matter how cute/funny/interesting/ etc you find someone else.
It’s a big commitment because there will ALWAYS be others who you could enjoy. Plus, they will seem more exciting after years and years with the same person. But that’s why a marriage takes devotion, loyalty, work and love. Eventually you may feel like you two have “grown apart”, or “fallen out of love” or are in a rut. Work your way out of it, and carry on. Love the one you chose.
Post # 14
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
@bunnyharriet: I applaud you, and could not have said that any better.
Post # 15
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
@bunnyharriet: Agree completely with this.
We were together for 7 years before getting married, and 4 of those years we lived in different cities. During this time apart, I might have questioned our marriage once or twice — but ultimately, I knew I was happy in my relationship and wanted to get married.
We’re now 3 years into our marriage, and I’m very happy. Nothing has happened to make me second-guess our decision to get married. Marriage requires adjustment, and compromise, but our relationship is rewarding and definitely worth the effort it takes to stay together.
Are you willing to work on your relationship to make it more fulfilling? If the thought of being with someone else is that exciting, think about what might be bringing up those feelings for you. Have you hit a boredom rut in your current relationship? Maybe look for a new hobby or volunteer opportunity for you to do together, plan some dates outside of the norm, etc.
Post # 16
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
@cerenatee: I think you need to stay away from your “best friend.” My girlfriends don’t give me butterflies and we definitely don’t flirt. They also don’t make me question me and my husband.
Right, Lol. This is SO true.
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