Married, feelings elsewhere, falling in love with someone else

posted 4 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 2
Member
5537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

From a brief look at your previous posts it sounds like you are not ready to be in a commited relationship, let alone marriage, and you never have been.   You broke up several times while just dating and engaged and you having an interest in other men has been a consistent thing during the time you have been with your SO. 

You are the one that wants to break up because you are the one who keeps entertaining the thought of flings with your “friends” so I think it is best for you both if you move out. 

Personally I’m not a fan of your current plan to make your husband move out on a trial period for 3 months so you can see what it is like on your own.  You don’t intend to be on your own and you need to be upfront about that. It isn’t fair to make your husband feel like there is a chance. 

Post # 3
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Why in the hell does he have to move out when this is your doing? You caught feelings for someone else and your husband needs to move out? Your emotionally cheating! If you need to figure “things” out you move. Your husband hasn’t done anything but yet he is the one that needs to pack up and move. I don’t care if he said to you “no no let me move”. Move the hell out if you want to seperate. You can’t make up your mind who you want and it’s going to take you 3 months to decide so your husband needs to move out. WTF

Post # 5
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

This is exactly the reason that I am adamantly against young people being married. Bee, you got married too quickly, and that’s all there is to it. It was never a good idea to get married, and now you’re realizing why so many people suggest that young people wait to take that step. 

You say you’re waiting three months to see if things change, but if you’re actively hanging out with this friend, why would anything change in your marriage for the better? If you really want to save your marriage, then you need to cut off your friend entirely. You can’t have any contact, as it’s obviously playing a part in destroying your marriage.

The other alternative is that you move out right now–don’t wait because that’s not going to make anything better–and learn what it’s like to actually be single, which you should’ve done to begin with instead of being married so young. You still have the opportunity to explore yourself (a person you really can’t know very well when you’ve always been in a relationship) and the world, and I would recommend that you do exactly that. I would NOT jump into a relationship with this new guy; the likelihood of it working long-term are slim, given how much emotional baggage you’ll bring into it. 

Either way, it’s time to consider that this marriage has run its course. 

 

Post # 6
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee

So…is your house completely paid off or are you renting or paying a mortgage?  Does your husband contribute to those costs?  How about to the costs of the bills for the house?  Because it kind of sounds like you want your husband to couch surf and live out of a suitcase while he subsidizes your life of shacking up with your new boy toy to see if it will work.

Being unhappy in your marriage doesn’t make you a bad person.  Being a user comes pretty darn close though.

You’re the one who wants out.  You’re the one who wants someone else.  Three months of getting your affair subsidized?  If you want to see how life is single and free to date whoever you want, then you should be doing it under those conditions.  Because if you really divorce, you’re not going to necessarily keep the cushy home and get half your bills paid by your partner.  You’re going to be renting a shit hole or getting a roommate or working double shifts to pay all the bills you used to split.  How is life with your new man looking under those conditions?  But that’s no fun, is it?  It’s way better if you can keep stringing your husband along so your life doesn’t have to be hard and you have to be self-sufficient.

That’s what this is really about.  You don’t need 3 months to decide.  What is going to change in 3 months that you haven’t already decided in the last 7?

Either be married or be single. 

If you choose married then get in counseling, permanently cut off all contact with your “friend” and actually try.  Dont do this “new guy waiting in the wings just in case” bullshit you’ve dreamed up.

If you choose single, then really do it.  Don’t make your husband subsidize your affair and string him along to be your financial safety net.

Welcome to life.  It can be hard.  You don’t get to have your cake and eat it, too.

Post # 7
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

rosetea :  Obviously, you needed to live life a bit, and date other people, before marriage. You can’t change that now. However, you can do your husband a favor and move home to your parents, and let him have the house. It’s the LEAST you can do for him. Your husband’s life shouldn’t be turned upside down because of your affair; you made your bed. 

Post # 8
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

What stood out to me was that you said you didn’t plan this or mean for it to happen yet it did and all because you initiated the reserection of your old friendship. You mentioned that you feel you are lacking emotional connection in your marriage. Right there you have identified at least one major problem. Have you talked to your husband about any of this? I think if you still plan on going through with this trial separation then you need to cut off your friend as well. It’s not fair to your husband and it’s not fair to the other guy by leadinghim on like that. If you truly want to save your marriage then you have to be willing to do the work-both of you.  

Post # 9
Member
9805 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Girl, no. 

Go ahead and break up with your husband but you need to move home or find a way to pay for yourself to have a new place to live. You’re the bad guy here, you don’t get to kick him out so you can sleep around guilt free for a few months. 

Additionally your “friend” is not a stand up guy if he’s willing to bust up a marriage. So remember later on- he had no problem carrying on with a married woman. He isn’t trustworthy. 

Post # 10
Member
4065 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I understand that you can’t necessarily control your feelings. But you can absolutely control how you handle them.

The truth is, if you do this trial separation, and decide you want your husband, the marriage you return to is going to look very different from the marriage you had. You’ll have a lot to work through, and frankly there’s a decent chance it will never get back to “normal”. 

You need to pick a lane, and stick to it. It’s unfair to keep your husband waiting in the wings while you go test the waters of a relationship with someone else. Especially because you’re only going to “choose” him if things don’t work out with someone else. Do you not see how incredibly unfair that is?

If you want this new guy, then you go be with him. But you don’t get to do it with a safety net waiting at home.

Post # 11
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

Girl, you guys need to start seeing a marriage counselor ASAP.

You are maybe not expressing your concerns to him. And he might have some too but is also not expressing them to you so as not to ‘rock the boat’. But this boat NEEDS to be rocked. And the safe way to do that would be with a counselor.

Post # 12
Member
9665 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You have to be the one to move out. It’s incredibly unfair to your husband to ask him to move out when you are the one having an emotional affair. And the idea of kicking him out of his own home so you can do a test run with your new boy toy and turn the emotional affair into a physical one? My god, the selfishness. Did you ever love your husband? Do you even like him? Because you are being cruel. 

If you want any chance of saving your marriage you should cut off all contact with the “friend” and get into counseling – not couples counseling you need to figure your own shit out first.

Post # 13
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

rosetea :  So you use those excuses why YOU can’t move out? Girl here are some suggestion’s then. Get a second job, buy an air mattress and sleep in a friends basement or move back home an live with your parents. You want to play big girl games then put your big girl panties on!!! The first time YOU decided YOU wanted out of this relationship you kicked him out. Seems like a pattern. Imagine if the roles were reversed? You think it would be fair? Your playing games with your husband. Do him a huge favor and leave him for good. 

Post # 14
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

SabL22 :  Agreed. That’s what everyone says when they find themselves in midst of an emotional affair with a friend. Oops, they didn’t mean it, it just happened, honest! Sorry, but no. Just because they didn’t go into it conciously thinking “I am going to have an emotional affair,” it’s still their choices and actions that get them there.

They chose to push and blur boundaries and seek emotional intimacy with another person in small but escalating ways. Often the justification is that they are missing something from their relationship, but instead of working on that with their partner, they go to this friend for the attention, validation, or whatever they feel they are missing. And maybe their partner was lacking or distracted lately, but either way the partner can’t compete with this secret and idealized rival. 

I also agree with DeniseSecunda that nothing is going to improve in the marriage as long as the affair partner is in the picture. Either OP wants to work on her marriage or she wants to continue indulging this alternative relationship. But it would be unfair to her husband to suggest that she wants to try for the next few months when she isn’t going to be trying; she’ll still be talking to the friend and indulging and strengthening those feelings through limerence. 

I recommend that OP check out “Not ‘Just Friends'” by Shirley Glass for reflection and insight on how and why affairs between friends “just happen,” as well as strategies for strengthening communication between partners and within oneself so that similar affairs don’t “just happen” again in this or the next relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

rosetea :  

Bee, your description of your relationship with your husband is a pretty apt description of a marriage. You talk about Real Life things.  You have sex with each other. You’re mutually supportive. This actually sounds like a pretty decent marriage.

This is normal.  Welcome to adulting. The all night, deep, meaningful conversations can still happen, but, not as regular events.  Real Life keeps banging at the door.

I will admit, 17 and 14 are cringy. That’s a significant developmental gap.  And, you did miss opportunities to date and have fun as a single.  It’s possible to have fun as a married.

The emptiness and loneliness you feel won’t be filled by switching up partners. You are the only one who can fill those voids. Something is missing that has nothing to do with your husband.

If you throw your husband out and replace him with the other guy, it’s just a matter of time before those empty and lonely feelings resurface. Right now, all of the drama keeps you distracted. But, it’s coming. Light night follows day.

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