Married, feelings elsewhere, falling in love with someone else

posted 2 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 16
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You sound completely immature and not ready for a serious relationship. You honestly sound delusional with some of the things you’ve written. Like this:

We can go to lunch and talk, but it might not be deep or riveting, which I know isn’t always the case, but we’ll border on pleasantries or everyday things.

Like seriously what do you imagine a long-term relationship looking like? Do you expect that every conversation you have for the multiple decades of your marriage is going to be deep and riveting? If that’s your expectation then you’re going to be sorely disappointed with ANY relationship after the initial honeymoon period, even if you marry the most charismatic, deep and riveting human being alive. 

Just get a divorce and take some time to sow your wild oats. I strongly advise against getting into an exclusive relationship with ANYONE right now because until you grow up, you’re just going to keep hurting people when you find yourself discussing something mundane over lunch one day and decide that means you need to have an affair.

Post # 17
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think we can all agree what is going to happen with this.  You will persue this “friend” and he will show you his true colors, you will realize you made a big mistake and husband will have moved on and good for him because you brought this on yourself.  You weren’t ready to be married in the first place but it sounds as if you aren’t really interested in making your marriage work either. Sure, sometimes attractions happen but you can remove yourself from the situtation so that feelings don’t grow and fester. 

Post # 18
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

hmm, this post really makes me feel frustrated about people who get married and don’t take it seriously. Clearly you got married way too young, and weren’t even ready to commit back then, but what’s done is done, so there is no changing that.

You have been having an emotional affair on your husband for basically 3 years now, and it almost seems like you went looking for it to be honest. You missed a friendship with a male that you had a great connection with, you basically invited somone else into your marriage, and opened it up for a world of pain.

I have absolutley zero doubt in my mind if you leave your husband to be with the other guy, you will also emotionally cheat on him after a year or two together once things aren’t as “riveting” and “new”… Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because it is fake. I agree with PP, if you are going to actually try to save your marriage, this guy needs to be out of the picture completely! Otherwise just walk away from your husband right now because you are stringing him along and I can’t even imagine how he feels, try to remember, you’re not choosing between two toys, there are human feelings involved in this, and to be honest, I feel like yours should be taking a back seat right now. So don’t have your cake and eat it too, woman up, and make a decision, like today!

Post # 19
4363 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Also, it’s not your husband’s problem that you can’t afford a place. You want to experience being single, then you get to experience the difficulties of paying your own way, not just the carefree fun of a new relationship. 

Your choices have consequences, so live with them.

Post # 20
300 posts
Helper bee

Your reasons for having your husband move out instead of you moving out are incredibly childish. His family is around and all your friends live at home so that makes it fair for him to move out while you stay in your house which you shared with your husband to test out a new relationship with your friend? That’s absurd. Figure it out and get a job so you can pay rent elsewhere and leave your poor husband out of your mess.

also, it’s totally unfair and sad that your husband is even allowing himself to move out for 3 months so you can hopefully sort things out with yourself and get it together to fix your marriage while your intentions are to see how things go with this friend of yours. 

Post # 21
46 posts
  • Wedding: December 2019

This other guy sounds like quite the prick, IMO. He is actively pursuing you, knowing you are married. If he’ll do that with you, he’ll do that to you. He has no regard for your committed relationship and is praying on your vulnerabilities. 

Your husband is a saint. Maybe cut him loose and let him out of this misery.

Post # 22
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

saratiara2 :  Amen to this. The whole OP is just appalling with the level of selfishness, entitlement, and complete disregard for what she’s putting her husband through. Really one of the more disgusting posts I’ve ever seen on WB. It’s really unfortunate that her husband is enabling her in all of this…I hope he wakes up soon and cuts all ties.

Post # 23
2251 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
rosetea :  So

I have some experience with this. 

I got married very young. I met my ex when I was 18. We moved in together after only knowing each other 2 weeks. At first things were great. We really enjoyed each other, and were naive enough to believe that was all that mattered.

By the time it started to dawn on me that it might be better to end things, I already felt stuck. I didn’t have any family support, so I couldn’t go to either of my parents for help. 

Worse, I had fallen into the trap of giving up my job and financial independence at the urging of someone who wanted to have control over me. By the time we got married I already knew the situation wasn’t healthy, but didn’t believe I had any other options. 

Fast forward 4 years. I fell in love with someone else. Nothing happened. In fact the object of my feelings didn’t even know about them until right before I asked for a divorce. I just knew that I wasn’t in love with my husband, and feeling that way about someone else meant our marriage was doomed. 

We split up and I immediately got involved with the other guy. It was a huge mistake. All the things I could idealize about him – only seeing the best side of him because we didn’t really have the degree of intimacy I had conjured in my head – came apart on closer inspection. While I was very much in love with him at first, I realized pretty quickly that he wasn’t as wonderful as I had made him out to be and I was in another relationship I had to get out of.

I also realized that by jumping from one long-term committed relationship directly to another one, I was depriving myself of the experience of being single. Of getting to know myself OUTSIDE the context of a relationship. Of getting to date. 

Looking back, there are a lot of things I would change about how my marriage both started and ended. But jumping into another relationship was the thing I regret the most. 

You have to start taking responsibility for your choices. You need to begin planning a life on your own. Part of that is deciding where to live and how to support yourself. Not relying on someone you are breaking up with to accomodate your lifestyle. 

You should definitely end your marriage. You aren’t happy, and dragging it out will only hurt your husband more. If you want to end the relationship, it is encumbent on YOU to leave. I realize this isn’t easy or ideal; I had to relocate and moved in with my cousin with my 2 year old. I know from not ideal. 

Remove the other man from the equation and be honest; if he weren’t there – to act like a lilly pad for you to land on when you jump – would you be contemplating this end? Or is he just a convenient excuse to do something you wanted to do regardless?

Have courage. Take ownership of your life. End this relationship and create one with yourself. Go out and enjoy all the things that being young and single has to offer. Don’t rely on your soon-to-be-ex and this new guy to create a warm safe place for you to land. If you do, you are very likely to get dropped and have no idea how to get up on your own two feet. 

Post # 24
1934 posts
Buzzing bee

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rosetea :  OP, I can understand where you are coming from, and at the heart of it you are lacking life experience. 

First of all, I can tell you that I’m marrying later in life and I’ve done a hell of a lot of dating. It wasn’t always enjoyable and fun, and I can’t say that I’m actually better off than my friends who found their person and married young. Having more experience doesn’t actually make you a better partner…what makes you a better partner is learning how to be in and improve the relationships you have. Think of it like sports. You become good by knowing and working with your teammates, by practicing all the time. You don’t get good by switching teams constantly and playing short games with each team before moving on. So. I understand you feel like you were missing out on things. It can be exciting thinking about dating – easy sex or great conversations, but essentially those connections are few and far between and what usually happens is frustration, loneliness, and rejection. 

Secondly, you invited this guy into your life and I don’t believe for a second it was all innocent. I believe you feel something is missing in your marriage, and instead of turning to your husband and focusing on your marriage you sought to get those feelings elsewhere. You knew you were playing with fire and you kept on doing it anyway. You were cheating. It didn’t have to be physical – your emotions and your mind are focused on another man and therefore you are having an affair. Now that you are emotionally involved with this guy and he is actively pursuing you, you imagine that life with him would be somehow different than it would be with your husband. 

This is your fatal mistake. What you are experiencing with your husband is normal. It’s normal to not feel so passionate about someone you have been with for a long time. It’s normal to not have riveting conversations and instead talk about real life. It’s normal to feel lonely from time to time. Marriage and relationships are not a constant fairytale high, they experience ups and downs, and they need to be nourished and worked on. You need to do the work. Which means that when you started to experience problems with your husband before you married him, you needed to do the work to make your relationship stronger. Instead of turning to other men, you need to be making your relationship stronger. 

Third – this guy. This guy is a major tool. What kind of person actively pursues someone in a marriage? What kind of person actively engages in an emotional affair with a married woman??? Bee, you know he doesn’t have the best character. If you were to leave your husband for him, not only would you find that your new relationship will eventually grow stale and boring as time went on, but you would know the entire time that he doesn’t have any issue with blurring the lines of infidelity. How could you trust him? How could he trust you? 

Fourth. Your husband is an innocent party in all of this. If you want out, get out. Don’t hurt him more by carrying on with this obvious dbag under the pretense of ‘finding yourself’. Don’t keep him hanging by a thread while you ‘explore things with other people’. You don’t appreciate what you have, you don’t work to make it better. I think you are going to really regret these decisions, but people learn from their own mistakes, not other people’s. I think that maybe you need to blow your life up and ruin a good thing before you can actually appreciate what a good thing actually is. 

Post # 25
1987 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This post makes me really angry. I agree with PP’s – your husband has done nothing wrong and deserves so, so much better. This is on you.

Post # 26
894 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
strawberrysakura :  +1 to everything you said. 

OP, the grass in greener where you water it. If you want your marriage to work, cut out your ~friend and be honest with your husband and get yourselves to marriage counselling, stat. 

If you talked to a bunch of couples who have been married for a long time, you would be amazed the number of them who would tell you that at one point one of them starting to develop feelings outside the marriage, but worked through it and still have gret marriages. It’s not uncommon. It doesn’t make you a bad person. What makes you a bad person is staying there and not either exiting your marriage because you don’t believe you can be faithful or doing everything you can to refocus your interests on your husband. 

Your would-be homewrecker friend is a POS, and he still will be if you leave your husband for him. 

Post # 27
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  This is what I was thinking too. OP, the relationship you describe actually sounds pretty good. You and your husband are best friends. You communicate well about everyday things (which you seem to think is mundane, but I think the everyday things are often the most important). Even after years together, you are still attracted to each other, affectionate with each other, and having regular sex. I don’t really understand what more you’re expecting out of a long-term relationship or why you think this isn’t good enough and things are lacking. Because this is what basically any healthy long-term relationship looks like. Until you adjust your expectations and are ready to have an adult relationship, you won’t be happy with anybody, whether it’s your husband or someone else. 

Post # 28
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I feel so bad for your husband. His wife wants him to move out of his house for a few months so that she can be with someone else…and see if she wants him back after that? He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who wants him. Don’t make him go through that. Don’t make him think for months that you may or may not come back.

Post # 29
178 posts
Blushing bee

I can’t believe the entitlement in this post. If you’re no longer committed to your marriage, your husband deserves to know the truth and have the chance to find someone who isn’t always out chasing the next exciting new guy. What he doesn’t deserve is to have to keep you up in the standard of living he’s been providing for you while you sow your oats and the come running back to the cushy life with him if it doesn’t work out with your “friend.” Like so many other bees have told you, if you want to be independent, then be independent. No more free rent, no more keeping him on the hook, no more games. I’m so sick of watching one emotionally uninvested partner string the other along for the financial/social benefits they provide while they date around outside the relationship.

Post # 30
551 posts
Busy bee

You’ll be trading in an honorable man for a dishonorable one. 

When the chemicals wear off (and make no mistake: all this “we can talk for hours” stuff you’re experiencing is chemicals, plain and simple. They’ll wear off) you’ll have a huge lesson in your life. What you do with that lesson will be up to you. 

You will have the choice at that point to continue allowing yourself to be a victim, not responsible for anything that happened, which may feel more comfortable, but ultimately comes with this shadow: when you’re a victim, you don’t get to make your life amazing. You don’t get to make, or choose, anything. You can’t learn from what happened if it “happened TO you”, and poor you, etc. you’ll simply react your life instead of creating it, and you’ll repeat the same lesson over and over.

no man is going to rescue you from this and take responsibility for your choices. 

 but if you take a good, hard look in the mirror and say “I CHOSE this,” and look then at what you chose, and stop making others the bad guy or responsible, you may have a chance at a future in which you don’t endlessly repeat the same lesson. 

If you had the maturity to look NOW, and cut off things with that dishonorable man, and approach your husband with your heart in your hands and determine to make the best of the choice you made, you’d be able to jump forward a few lessons. 

But you’re young, and perhaps your marriage was a mistake that your husband needs to be set free of, as well, seeing as you entered your marriage already in victim mindset. 


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