- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
I have some experience with this.
I got married very young. I met my ex when I was 18. We moved in together after only knowing each other 2 weeks. At first things were great. We really enjoyed each other, and were naive enough to believe that was all that mattered.
By the time it started to dawn on me that it might be better to end things, I already felt stuck. I didn’t have any family support, so I couldn’t go to either of my parents for help.
Worse, I had fallen into the trap of giving up my job and financial independence at the urging of someone who wanted to have control over me. By the time we got married I already knew the situation wasn’t healthy, but didn’t believe I had any other options.
Fast forward 4 years. I fell in love with someone else. Nothing happened. In fact the object of my feelings didn’t even know about them until right before I asked for a divorce. I just knew that I wasn’t in love with my husband, and feeling that way about someone else meant our marriage was doomed.
We split up and I immediately got involved with the other guy. It was a huge mistake. All the things I could idealize about him – only seeing the best side of him because we didn’t really have the degree of intimacy I had conjured in my head – came apart on closer inspection. While I was very much in love with him at first, I realized pretty quickly that he wasn’t as wonderful as I had made him out to be and I was in another relationship I had to get out of.
I also realized that by jumping from one long-term committed relationship directly to another one, I was depriving myself of the experience of being single. Of getting to know myself OUTSIDE the context of a relationship. Of getting to date.
Looking back, there are a lot of things I would change about how my marriage both started and ended. But jumping into another relationship was the thing I regret the most.
You have to start taking responsibility for your choices. You need to begin planning a life on your own. Part of that is deciding where to live and how to support yourself. Not relying on someone you are breaking up with to accomodate your lifestyle.
You should definitely end your marriage. You aren’t happy, and dragging it out will only hurt your husband more. If you want to end the relationship, it is encumbent on YOU to leave. I realize this isn’t easy or ideal; I had to relocate and moved in with my cousin with my 2 year old. I know from not ideal.
Remove the other man from the equation and be honest; if he weren’t there – to act like a lilly pad for you to land on when you jump – would you be contemplating this end? Or is he just a convenient excuse to do something you wanted to do regardless?
Have courage. Take ownership of your life. End this relationship and create one with yourself. Go out and enjoy all the things that being young and single has to offer. Don’t rely on your soon-to-be-ex and this new guy to create a warm safe place for you to land. If you do, you are very likely to get dropped and have no idea how to get up on your own two feet.