Married, feelings elsewhere, falling in love with someone else

posted 1 week ago in Weddingbee
Post # 31
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

Perhaps you are “too immature for a relationship”, but that doesn’t really matter now because you’ve already made vows and a commitment to your husband. You owe it to him to work this out with HIM. Stop contacting your friend, and cut off contact with anyone else you feel stronger emotional connections with. Go to counselling ASAP and fix your emotional issues with your husband instead of looking for fillers elsewhere. He sounds like a perfectly wonderful dude, if you’re not happy with him, frankly you’re probably not going to be happy with anyone else once the butterflies fly away. Every couple reaches lulls here and there, if marriage means anything to you, you need to stick with it and show loyalty to your husband. You’re young, you made a rookie mistake by avoiding your issues and looking for the fix from someone else; surely your husband is extremely patient to be able to put up with your emotional cheating so well. He’s worth falling back in love with, don’t rob yourselves of that by entertaining the idea of other people. You two can grow from this and prove to the world your love and maturity if you work this out. Ditching this marriage with the excuse of “I was too immature when I got married to know what I was doing” in order to pursue another immature idea, isn’t going to make you any happier or better off. 

Post # 32
Member
2306 posts
Buzzing bee

You don’t need a reason to want a divorce and if you aren’t happy and you don’t have to stay with your husband.  But for the love of everything, please remove this “friend” from the equation and figure out what you want out of life before you hop into the next relationship.  Be alone and learn to love yourself, because no one you are with will make you happy until you truly love yourself.

And no, you don’t get to ask your husband to move out while you galavant around under the guise of “figuring things out.”  Either shit or get off the pot.  

  

Post # 32
Member
2798 posts
Sugar bee

You expect your husband to move out and subsidize your lifestyle while you [email protected] someone else as a trial? 

Put on your big girl panties and move out permanently. Your husband deserves the chance to be happy with a good person. 

Post # 34
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

rosetea :  I went through and read some of your other posts.

You definitely have a pattern, and it’s that you want to date other guys. That keeps rearing its head, again and again. However, whenever you have had the opportunity to date other guys, you don’t – you fixate on the man you have now and get back together. Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s easy to see what you should have done before – stay broken up for awhile, got a place of your own, dated around. You didn’t do that, and as many bees told you would happen, the issue never got resolved.  

I’ve had that wild, single life for many years. If you would ask a lot of my friends about my life during this time, they would probably have said that it seemed very exciting. Yeah, it SEEMED that way. But what they DIDN’T see were the many nights I was incredibly lonely and had no one. How I would go on date after date hoping for a connection just to have it all fall through. Bad date after bad date. Scary date after scary date. Boring date after boring date. 

But, it SEEMS like fun, and it SEEMS exciting, and if you don’t do it you’ll always wonder. 

So. Separate from your husband. Move back to your parents place or in with a friend. Or get your own place. Go ahead and sleep with that guy you are fixated on (which, by the way, how do you have mutiple fights about someone having feelings for you? You paint yourself as such a victim there, and victim you are not. You KNEW what you were about. If he declares feelings for you, your friendship is no longer a friendship, and it’s over. You chose him over your own husband right then. You chose this guy over someone who has been by your side, loving you, supporting you, for years and years even though you keep hurting him). 

Spend time having meaningless sex and partying so you can finally see for yourself that life is not a Sex and the City episode. Let your husband have his time too, so don’t call him like you did last time. How is he supposed to have sex with other women and go out and party if you keep calling him? He deserves to be with a woman who appreciates him and is not always looking over her shoulder at some other guy who maybe looks hot but is terrible in bed, chews with his mouth open, and farts during emotional conversations. If you are lucky, your amazing husband will be there to take you back again, but I’m personally rooting that he finds someone more mature and appreciative of him instead of waiting on someone to decide whether he’s good enough to be with. 

Post # 35
Member
2954 posts
Sugar bee

rosetea :  So yall aint even gonna try counseling? 

You just gonna push him out for a few months so your friend can come play house?

Post # 36
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Marriage is one big joke to some people…

Post # 37
Member
7906 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Absolutely. OP, you are still acting like a 14 year, only with sex added to the general self centredness. Probably it’s because of your very , too-early marriage, but that’s history now. 

Time to grow up,  leave ( yes you, too bad if it’s hard to do) . OR go to marriage counselling and try to make it work. As sassy opined earlier, half the problem is your adolescent view of marriage and how it should sparkle and shimmer every day over the breakfast toast. 

keviah12 :  

Post # 38
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

elderbee :  What did I do lmao…Im not the op

Post # 39
Member
7906 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry, l was not at all clear.  The “Absolutely” was for you, to agree with your post. The rest, starting with ‘OP’ was for the OP!

 

 

keviah12 :  

Post # 40
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

elderbee :  Gotcha wink

Post # 41
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Honestly, and this might sound super negative, but marriage isn’t all deep connections, lust, late night conversations and crazy sparks. Marriage is reliability, stability and comfort. 

I promise all men become like your husband after a certain amount of time. That’s what happens with you get close with someone. You get comfortable, have to guess less and get in to a routine. 

This asshat from Facebook might seem like a deep connection who is super interesting and listens to everything you say. He might have a lot in common with you and seem “different”. He’s not. 

It sounds like you haven’t spent much time being single so the new sparks from an almost honeymoon phase are getting to you. 

The crazy thing too is it’s hard finding a really good guy in this day in age. And you’re throwing him away. 

Post # 42
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

What??? You’re being selfish. Get rid of the “””fRiEnD””” or let your husband go. Youre gonna kick him out while you sex romp on his dime, in HIS HOME, STILL MARRIED?? That’s rude & nasty af.

Post # 43
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

sarathemermaid :  THANK YOU! OP, this guy is in the process of WOOING you, which means he’s on his best behavior and giving you what he thinks you want so that he has the opportunity to sleep with you. Obviously he’s not someone with a lot of options, because any interesting and attractive guy who has any self-esteem at all would not be pursuing a married woman, he’d be going out on dates of his own and having sex with other girls. Not messaging you constantly.  

Post # 44
Member
10202 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

strawberrysakura :  

Or, he’s the kind of sleaze bucket who gets of on seducing married women.

Post # 45
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

OP you seem to be confusing drama with love. You broke up with your husband while you were engaged – and then got back together, basically because you were scared of being lonely. Now you’re 26 years old and you wonder what you missed at 21, so you started up an affair with Facebook guy. You say you fight with him, and no doubt you regard that fighting as passion. 

Well it’s not. It’s a sign that what you’re doing is fucked up. You’re not having the passion in your marriage because things are on an even keel, but you miss the drama. You’re going to keep going from man to man because what you really want isn’t something any man can provide for long. There’s a void in YOU and you’re trying to fill it with drama/love. I’d put the brakes on your plans and get into therapy. You need an outlet to challenge you, like school or a better job. Stop talking to Facebook guy. Just stop it now, because you’re being a tool. You don’t have anything special and wonderful with him, he’s just a convenient someone you can use to fill that bottomless void. If you leave your husband and go with him, you’ll find yourself where you are now again. Get marriage counseling. 

You need to look at your whole life here because you’re doing something wrong and it’s not just about your marriage. You badly need a goal other than “fall in love”.

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