- 1 year ago
- Wedding: October 2015
If you notice my previous posts, you’ll see its been 5 years since I’ve posted but it may help in giving background info to better understand my situation.
So here we go…
I got with my partner at the age of 14, he was 17. He is the only man I’ve ever been with, fast forward a few years, we got engaged, I had my doubts being young and hanging out with single friends, felt I was missing out on that side of things. Our engagement was 3 years, with a few breaks in between (shortlived) and we didnt’ see other people during those times. We married and are now coming up to 3 years being married.
He is a wonderful man and has proved to me in more ways than one that he would do anything for me. We’ve done everything together, grown up together, experienced so many highs and lows. We’ve been each other’s constant, support network and are each other’s best friend.
I woudln’t go as far as to say I am deeply unhappy, because we still do enjoy each other’s company and have fun times together. But I do also feel we are really good friends, that have sex and can be affectionate.
I don’t know if this part is more on me, but I have felt ovet the years a sense of loneliness or emptiness. I feel we lack an emotional connection. We can go to lunch and talk, but it might not be deep or riveting, which I know isn’t always the case, but we’ll border on pleasantries or everyday things. Sometimes I find myself avoiding moments of intimacy, which makes me feel guilty or like a cold person. Sometimes when we have sex, I feel there should be more of an emotional connection, it just seems like the act of sex but I feel it should be more, deeper feelings involved?
This is where things are going to shake up…
2017, I reconnected with an old friend online, which led to us talking more and eventually meeting up to catch up. A mutual friend came along the first few catch ups. I had known this guy for years, since my early 20s and reconnected because I was scrolling through old messages and instantly I just thought yes, I want to talk again, I miss our friendship and then messaged straight away. Me and him were great friends before we had a fallingout (young silly fight), we’d hang and talk all the time, not always one on one, also in our group of friends. But we always clicked, just so easily and effortlessly, from the get go. I had never not once, ever thought of him as more than a friend, or had any intention I swear, of ever wanting more with him.
Talking to him again from 2017, we talked more and more which possibly filled an emotional void lacking in my marriage.
What I did not expect at all however, was to ever feel anything for him.
He said he had feelings for me about 1 year after our reconnection. We fought for months, and talked off and on after that as it caused so many problems. I said I am married, I can’t know that, how can we be friends now etc. We were both deeply hurt and sad at the situation, he said he had to tell me and be honest otherwise he would have to just walk away from the friendship with no explanation. After months of back and forth fighting and trying to work it out, we tried to have somewhat of a friendship but I did feel guilt hanging with him knowing how he felt. Eventually, I felt feelings for him too. I have struggled for months with this, longer than 7 months now. I tried to fight it for so long and considered everything, that it was just something new, different, a grass is greener situation, fantasy, not reality etc. I’ve confided in friends, family, been judged, ridiculed, had so many differing opinions and felt so much guilty, sadness, anger, frustration, happiness.. you name it. It’s been incredibly hard.
What I know though, is that when I’m with him, everything feels easy and I feel content. I like how I feel, when I’m with him, I feel good about myself. I know that feelings of affection, hugging, touching etc. towards him are because I want to – nothing feels forced. We just click… we can talk for hours all day and night and when I’m not with him, I think about him or want to be with him.
My husband knows I developed feelings for him and wanted to give our relationship a few more months to try and work on it, and if things are still the same, the plan is to separate, for him to move out for at least 3 months so I can see how I am apart. I feel during that time I would want to see how things would be between me and my friend if we were together, which seems incredibly selfish I’m sure, but if you see my earlier posts you will see I’ve struggled with things for a long time.
Sometimes I think, is it because it would be something new if I was with my friend, but then I think it’s not that I want to be with other guys, it just happens that the way I feel towards my friend kind of hit me hard, the emotional connection feels so in sync and what I need. My husband and I can talk and get along, but he is a lot more reserved and loves to spend time on his xbox or games on an ipad. He’s always been into gaming, which is perfectly fine but sometimes I feel I’m not getting enough emotional connection and don’t feel stimulated.
Please everyone consider this is not something I am taking lightly. I have been in emotional turmoil for months and have been very depressed because of it. It has largely impacted my life all of this and I have felt like the worst person in the world. I would love more than anything to be content, with the wonderful man I married and not want to talk to another guy. I did not plan for any of this to happen and I struggle because my husband is a wonderful man and part of me can’t picture anything different, but I think about my friend all the time and how we could be. We’ve talked about it and made plans which I tried to fight for a long time but I am trying to be honest with myself about my feelings.
I don’t know, but I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way… I should be happy right? Sorry for the long post. It’s hard to convey everything in writing. Should you always feel IN love, when together a long time? Or are me and my husband good friends with deep love for each other? Am I actually falling in love with my friend?