Post # 1
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Hello Bees,
I am in desperate need of advice. DH and I have been married for just two months, but we’ve been together for 9 years. About a week or two before our wedding, an older person gave me some sage advice: she said “don’t marry someone if you want to change them”. Over the course of my relationship, I have always tried to help my man be the best he could be. I encouraged him to go back to school, get a better job, etc. He has never quite reached the level of what I feel his potential could be. I always wanted a husband that would be my equal… and that is just not what I have now.
Well now that we are married, I am starting to feel very hopeless. My DH has been out of work since a month before the wedding. He has made no effort to find a new job. He deposited a very large sum of OUR wedding money in his checking account and has nearly blown through all of it. He has been spending a lot of time with his stupid/immature friends, even though he knows I don’t want these people in our house. I go to bed early every night so I can get up early for work the next day. DH just waits until I fall asleep and invites his friends over. I always find out because they are loud and wake me up. Last night he invited one friend (that I personally cannot stand) over and they woke me up at 2 am!
In addition to the above, my DH has this lovely new habit on commenting on women everywhere we go. We were on our honeymoon and DH got drunk multiple times and would make innappropriate comments to me like “wow, she has a huge ass” or “damn, that girl has a sick body”. I addressed this issue and he apologized and said it would never happen again. But still, it hurts. I feel like now it’s just a matter of time until some girl comes along and he can’t help himself but to cheat.
I am so confused and torn right now. I just married the man who has been the love of my life for the past 9 years…But marriage made everything more real and more final. Every flaw that I thought was cute or fixable, is not MAGNIFIED, and it scares me. I need advice on how to handle this, or how to talk to my DH on making positive changes. My family spent a small fortune on this wedding and now I feel like such an idiot/failure.
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This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by
LaEsposa.
Post # 2
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
Was he doing things like this before you got married? Was he having friends over late and waking you up?
It sounds like before you got married you already knew he wasn’t the “equal” that you wanted him to be.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by _blackbird_.
Post # 3
Member
5212 posts
Bee Keeper
LaEsposa: I think you need to sit him down and set some ground rules. Honstly, I am not advocating for you leaving him, but it sounds like your husband needs a wake up call. If he doesn’t seriously start acting like a grown up, I’d maybe go stay with some friends and stop supporting him. If he is forced to start taking care of himself, he might grow up.
Post # 4
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
LaEsposa: Maybe try some couples counseling. I’m not sure you’ll be able to get him to change if he doesn’t want to. It sounds like he doesn’t really have much motivation to change, especially if you’re taking care of the bills and he’s been able to use your wedding money to fund whatever habits he has. Was he the man you wanted him to be at any point before the marriage? If not, I really don’t understand why you married him. I agree with the advice you were given by this older person.
Post # 5
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
LaEsposa: You need to have a very serious conversation about RESPECT.
He is disrespecting you by:
1. Taking your joint money to blow on goodness knows what (I assume you pay the rent and bills right now) without looking for a job to contribute to your joint future.
2. Having people over on your work nights, being loud, waking you, and setting you up for a bad time at work the next day.
3. Talking lewdly about other women (in front of you).
Unemployment can be a difficult and depressing time, but it sounds as if he isn’t trying to escape it. In addition to talking about the above issues, I would start printing classifieds off the internet (or circling them in the paper) for jobs in his field/skill set and leaving them where he will find them. If you want to soften the blow, maybe a cutesy note about “Saw this job and thought you’d love it! <3” or “This posting made me think of you!” type stuff.
Be prepared for him to lash out. DH was unemployed for a little over a year, but he was actively job hunting in his field. During that time he was not too much fun to be around, because he did not feel like he was being “a man” (aka the breadwinner). Your DH could very well be feeling the same way and just covers his emasculation with partying to distract himself.
Best of luck!
Post # 6
Member
19 posts
Newbee
_blackbird_: No, this started right after our wedding. I didn’t like that he was having friends over every night during the week. I was very honest with him and explained that when I came home from work, I just wanted to relax and not deal with his idiot friends. That’s when he started waiting until I fell asleep to invite them over. And don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with him having friends… I just feel that when you are married, you don’t need to invite your boys over 5 nights a week.
Post # 7
Member
19 posts
Newbee
housebee: Some of the issues I am having with DH didn’t bother me before we were married. As stupid as it sounds, we were together for 8 years before getting engaged… All I wanted was to get married, so I did turn a blind eye to a lot of things, or just convince myself they would get better over time. However, it seems that after getting married, these issues have just intensified…