(Closed) Married for a year…having serious doubts :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m sure it is not easy at all. I have personally never been through this so I cannot give any advice but I can offer you hope to gain and rebuild your strength. It has only been a year, which is not a long time at all, maybe just giving it some more time and see if anything changes? If he wasn’t this bad last year, I suppose he can improve within a year also. Just my thoughts. I hope things get better for you hun.

Post # 4
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I’ve felt a very similar feeling, where I made a lifelong committment and felt like that isn’t what I wanted in the end. But, I haven’t been through the same situation as you though, so I can’t speak from experience.

I was going to suggest therapy, but you said you two have already gone, together and by yourselves. Do you feel like it’s not helping? If you’re with a therapist you feel comfortable with and the therapist feels you’re making good progress, keep going. A lot of times, the mental pain gets worse before it can get better (I can speak from experience). If you like the therapist and you’re making some sort of progress, give it more time.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. But you’re a strong woman and you handle this. You’re doing all the right things and you’ve been trying to help your husband the best you can. You’re doing an amazing job so far.

Post # 6
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m not sure I have much advice for you but I’ll send hugs and positive thoughts your way.  PTSD is such a terrible thing.  It’s good you guys are in therapy, hopefully that will continue to help both of you.  

You mentioned that before you got married, things were not as bad.  Is there a chance that things will improve with some time?  A wedding and marriage is pretty life changing especially for someone who needs routine in his life.  And there is that saying that the first year of marriage is usually the hardest.  I think what you are feeling is totally normal as far as being drained from helping him get better.  I’ve worked with stroke patients and their families and from my schooling, it is normal to feel overwhelmed and need respite from time to time.  It doesn’t make you a bad person!  Is there something you enjoy doing that you have not done in a while?  A friend or family member you could visit?  Something you can do that is just for you, even if it’s for just a few hours.  It may help.

Do you still go to therapy?  You said you’d never mention to him that the PTSD is affecting how you feel about him (and I totally get and support that) but maybe saying it out loud to your therapist in a private session will help.  Like maybe it won’t be so bad since you won’t be holding that feeling in anymore?  Again, it doesn’t make you a bad person for feeling drained and some level of resentment towards the PTSD.  Perhaps continued individual and couples therapy can help.  Has his therapist looked into his medications lately?  As someone who has struggled to find the right anxiety/depression medication, I know how hard this can be.  Some medications can actually make him feel worse instead of better and it’s hard to know what’s happening when you are the person who is struggling.  Maybe mention it to his doctors and see what they say.

My Fiance and I have had a rough go of things during our relationship although not to the degree that you have.  Two of his friends were killed on duty (he’s a cop), he’s had 3 major surgeries in 8 months, and is going to be medically retired because of them, is facing being 36 and having to find a new career, and I went on disability and was fired from my job.  All in a year span.  I like to think that things can change quickly and that we weren’t in this situation 8 months ago, so in 8 months from now, things will be different (and hopefully better).  I’m the furthest thing from Pollyanna, everything is sunshine & rainbows type of girl, but I like to think that we got the hard stuff, the for worse, in sickness, for poorer, part of the vows done early on and the rest of the marriage will be better.  

Sorry I wrote you a novel.  My heart goes out to you.  Prayers for you and your husband.  And thanks to him for his service (and to you as well…we have many military friends and the wives make a different kind of sacrifce).

Post # 8
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Oh honey I am so sorry you are going through this. I know youve said you guys have tried therapy but I think he has to try again… he needs some serious one on one counseling to deal with the PTSD. Something that traumatic, I don’t know if you can just move on from it on your own. Try to remember that the person you fell in love with is in there somewhere he just needs to be brought back to life.  

Post # 11
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anonymousbee23:  i’m sorry you are going through this.  i can’t imagine how painful it is to see someone you love crumbling as he is.  i hope he gets the help he needs.  you are a strong woman to support him as you do.

Post # 12
15 posts
  • Wedding: December 2012



@anonymousbee23:  Ok girl. I know exactly what you are going through. First let me tell you, dont let yourself be destracted by another man, and dont ever give up a marriage until you can walk away and both parties are happy and comfortable with the decision. That comes when you know you have honestly done everything you can, and there is no chance it will work. I get the feeling you arent even close to that point yet.

I had my mom read your post, and we discussed it before I replied. My dad has been struggling with these same symptoms since the end or the vietnam war. He just recently, in the past year really started getting help. He has been going to the va hospital for evaluations, and his doctors keep good track of him. He was put on prosac, and things got a lot better. When they put him klonopin for anziety, and that helped so much. He started sleeping better, not tossing and turning and twitching throughout the night. Soon, he began to have vivid dreams of what happened in vietnam. This was a blessing because he had such a hard time for 20+ years trying to decide what was real, and what wasnt… what really happened and what didnt. He also found out that paired with his age, the chemicals he was exposed to deminished his testosterone levels, so he is getting injections every 4 weeks.  Within weeks his temper got better, he wasnt so anxious, I’ve heard his sex drive has improved, and he actually has a great sense of humor. Who knew my dad was so funny? lol

He gives most of the credit to God first, and the anxiety meds. The clarification he has gotten from his dreams has helped him so much. He still sits with his back to the wall, and faces the door in public, that could be because hes been a cop for over 20 years. He can now watch war movies and not freak out, have a dissagreement and not explode with anger, and he is fun to be around. He also loves my 1yo daughter, and she doesnt even get on his nerves when she is fussy.

The best advice he was ever given was to go to the gym and hit it hard, or do yard work, or something he can take out frustration when he feels himself getting worked up. I also think his faith has helped him cope.

I hope your husband can find ways to cope with this. I know its hard, but if you can help him through this, it will make your relationship unbreakable. It can get better. Dont allow him to become violent with you, but as long as he is honestly trying to get help, I say you should stand by his side. Marriage vows should not be taken lightly. You can get through this.

Hopefully you are using the va for help, and maybe try physical activity, anxiety meds., and have him checked for hormone levels, and and brain damage if he hasn’t been checked already. My dad did have slight brain damage that contributed to the impulsiveness, and memory loss. Work with the doc, and make sure they know how this is truly affecting him, and his life. Sometimes men arent completely truthful about whats really going on.

I hope this helped. If you need someone to talk to I am here, and my dad helps vets with this stuff all the time. Maybe I could ask him for some advice for you. Btw… I hope you are using a therapist that specializes in ptsd.

Good luck

Post # 13
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Have you two considered impatient treatment? It sounds terrifying, but maybe 24 hour care for a.few weeks will jumpstart things and boost his spirits. I saw a movie once (I know movies are NOT real life) about something similar, and the husband ended up checking into a hospital to get better. It’s terrible and scary, but if you feel this bad imagine what he feels like 🙁 He needs more help. I wish you the best of luck!!

Post # 14
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013


Post # 15
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@anonymousbee23:  I wish I had more insight for you. I just wanted to say I am sending my love and prayers your way. I hope you guys get an answer soon. Counseling is my best advice… What a tough situation =/

Post # 16
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Im not sure where you live, but I know that there are places around here that do inpatient programs and daytreatment for people with PTSD. It sounds terrifying but maybe something to seriously consider at this point. 

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