(Closed) Married in spite of being scared to death I was being decieved.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

 I think you should go to a counselor.. I’m sorry your going through this!

Make sure you take some time to evaluate your marriage and understand what is best for your and your future.

Post # 4
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

Seek help for your marriage. Did you know why you were paying for a lawyer when you did? Why did you still do it? 

Post # 5
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow this is really tough….

Granted I don’t know the whole story, but what you do know, is that he did carry on a very close relationship with this woman, while it is unknown if he did infact become intimate or try to be intimate, he did admit to having a “more then friends” deamanor towards her. For a man in a relationship, his behavior went way beyond my comfort level, with the long hidden conversations, the money situation, him inviting her to his house (regadless if it was for chores,) texting, etc.

So, if you do believe that he was not physical, you do know he developed an emotional realtionship with her – which I think the only way to work and get past this is for both of you to go to seek help, either way, you will learn what you need to do – either you will be able to learn how to trust him again, or you will learn that you can’t get past it.

Post # 6
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The situation between him and this girl sounds crazy! He gave her money and she came over and did the dishes and put away laundry?? Were you living with him at the time? I don’t know if he was necessarily unfaithful to you, but boundaries were seriously crossed. He should not have been talking about sexual stuff with another woman, much less one that he was somewhat of an advisor to. It’s also a red flag that he cheated on other women in the past. I’m sorry that you are stuck in the middle of all this.

Post # 7
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think I’m missing something here – did you just find this forum post of his?  If so, then get into counseling ASAP, this is way too complicated of a sitch for an internet forum.  Also, how old is he?  What he did does sound pretty inappropriate, unless he’s just a year or two older than her.  He asked her to come over his house and clean in return for $100?  Maybe I’m totally off, but that screams sliminess to me.

Post # 8
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

first, I’m a grad student too (though I do teach and grade undergrads), so I know a bit from university training sessions about how tricky it is sometimes to figure out the line between an innappropriate and appropriate relationship with a student; for example, the difference between an informal but still intellectual conversation, and just a too-personal convo. but he def crossed that line–discussing her personal/sexual relationships, lending her money, having her do chores in his home etc. he needs to figure out how to construct appropriate boundaries with students, period. that said, universities have different policies about this–at mine, too-personal relationships are severely looked down upon but not prohibited (after all, tons of professors end up marrying former students–ick!). but, if she’s accusing him of something non-consensual, it def falls under university purview. he is, after all, a university employee, and subject to their hr policies, including sexual harassment. even if she’s lying, they have a responsibility to investigate it. (ETA: this is mostly in response to your last sentence “I think he should only be in the doghouse with me instead of all these university officials”)

then onto your relationship, I would definitely consider this emotional cheating.

 

Post # 9
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is bananas. No graduate student would ever think this was appropriate behavior on his part. You don’t give your number out to students, you don’t text them, you don’t invite them to your house, you don’t give them money. I could go on and on. Even if he didn’t “pull out his member”, he already crossed so many lines.

I’d be seeing how much of that retainer is unused, get it back, and put that money into an account accessible only by you. This isn’t your mess to fix. It’s bizarre behavior that I would never tolerate in a relationship.

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have 2 questions. 1. why in the world did you think it would be a good idea to marry someone you knew less than a year? 2. WHY did you marry him BEFORE you worked on this????

Post # 13
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Labradormom85: What was the outcome of the complaint?  What did the girl “lie” about – did she admit it was a lie or was it he said/she said?  

Just trying to gather some facts before making any comments.

Also, please don’t harm yourself!  I would consider that to be a crisis situation and to see if there is anywhere you can go for help.

Post # 14
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Labradormom85: “I am desperate to go to counseling.” are you sure your school doesn’t have a counseling service you can go to? ours is affiliated with health services on campus, and I think that’s pretty standard

also that’s horrible that they don’t give you guys any training. 

Post # 15
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

He crossed a huge professional line with this student, even if there wasn’t intercourse, it’s still inappropriate and shows poor judgement.  I wouldn’t judge you if you decided that you didn’t want to continue your relationship with him.  Can you trust him?  If you can, then continue your relationship.  If you cannot, then either break it off or work with him to establish trust.  You may even be able to get your marriage annulled if you pursue leaving him.

Post # 16
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Labradormom85: I don’t think you can blame the university’s lack of training graduate students on his behavior.  Common sense tells you not to discuss sexual and relationship topics with your undergraduates and not to give them money!

The topic ‘Married in spite of being scared to death I was being decieved.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors