(Closed) MARRIED LADIES, did you have engagement anxiety and how's your marriage now?

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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lynnctobe :  

Normally, I would tell you to pay attention to the anxiety you’re feeling.  However, you indicated that you suffer from an anxiety disorder which skews those signals.  Your radar is likely malfunctioning.  Anxiety disorders can create feelings of anxiety that are just free floating.  Our logical minds want to connect those feelings to something, so we grab on to whatever is going on.

That’s not to say you’re wrong.  Perhaps getting married right now isn’t the right thing for you.  I just wanted to point out that anxiety can trick you

Post # 3
27 posts
  • Wedding: March 2016

I also suffer from anxiety. I found Sheryl Paul’s online stuff to be very helpful. http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/ even if you can’t afford the course there are lots of free blogs and materials. She has also written a book.

You need to spend extra time to analyze why you are anxious and where is really coming from. Are there themes in your fighting causing you serious concern? No relationship is perfect but if you are communicating and showing each other respect that matters most. From what you have shared so far it sounds like you can and should work through your feelings.

I realized my anxiety had little to do with my partner or any  real red flags in our relationship so I went ahead and got married. Next week is our one year anniversary and so far I am really happy 🙂 and don’t think about the anxious thoughts I used to have.

Post # 4
18 posts
  • Wedding: January 2017

This!!! This this this. I have been struggling with the same issues since getting engaged 4 months ago. I’m not sure if it has to do with the big life change coming up such a commitment or what but I also suffer from anxiety and although I wish we weren’t in these situations it’s comforting to know Someone else feels the same. 

Post # 6
25 posts

I suffer from anxiety, and the type of “doubt” you are having is very common and one that I have experienced myself. I urge you to look into “ROCD” and the FACTS. Don’t go searching for people’s personal stories…that never ends well in general 😂

I am almost positive by your post that your anxiety is manifesting itself into doubt and clinging onto the most important part/aspect of your life. Love is hard work and you’re not going to feel the same intensity of love for your partner every day of your life. Your anxiety will create things for you to fight about with your partner because you’re feeling aggravated and on edge. Anxiety and fear manifests into being aggressive, hostile and moody. Sometimes you will notice annoying habits or qualities of your partner. The fact that you are scared and worried sick about your doubt should be a sign to you that it’s your anxiety talking. If it KILLS you to think about leaving your partner, it’s anxiety. 

Look into cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness…don’t engage with the bad thoughts by trying to find ways you love your partner because your anxiety will always come up with something else to fixate on. Allow yourself to feel the wave of anxiety, and allow the doubt to pass and tell yourself it’s okay. It’s extremely difficult at first, but it works. This will be another “episode” that will pass if you put in the work.  


Post # 7
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I have bouts of anxiety and I was really anxious during our engagement. For me it mainly manifested itself in that he was going to die. Like, if he was a little bit late home I’d be convinced he’d been in a fatal car crash (which was highly unlikely given his commute was through a congested city and nothing moved about 20mph so it was highly unlikely he’d die if he was in a crash). 

I also had some anxiety around the feeling of being invincible. I felt sure we could do it but people got divorced all the time, so did they feel the same level of invincibility and ‘together we can conquer anything’ before getting engaged and if so where did they lose that? I went round and round trying to find the point that people knew that invincibility feeling stopped. I read articles and googled things and nothing really applied and everything was gloomy. I also had doubts about myself. Those parts of me that didn’t love myself latched into the anxiety and turned it into “you’re too fat to get married, he won’t always love you”, “you failing in your career, how can he admire you”. So when I had a nasty comment from someone it confirmed everything and I broke down. I had the biggest panic attack I’ve ever had at about 3am about 5 months before we got married. I spilled every thing out to him. How I felt invincible and that would be our downfall, my doubts about me and my ability to be loved. He calmed me down and we went to sleep finally. The next day we rationally started to talk through some of these things, some of the reasons why the internet told me we weren’t going to make it. We came up with solutions or identified things that didn’t apply. We made a set of promises to each other such as promising to go to counselling if the other suggests it, promising to make time for each other if the other asks for it and so on. That made me feel a little better, like we had a plan to attack this marriage. There isn’t much he could say about my own self doubts but they lessened as we got closer to the wedding, almost like ‘I can’t lose weight now, the dress has been altered so it’ll have to do’.

I also had a panic attack the night before our wedding. My husband didn’t want to see my dress, which was laid out ready in my hotel room. So when he walked me back to my room and I started panicking, we ended up in hotel bathroom with him trying to stop my panic attack. The anxiety fed the panic attack by saying ‘if this is the right thing to do, should you really be having a panic attack 14 hours before you marry him?”

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary last month. We also bought our first house last month too. It’s been a long year but that has nothing to do with the marriage and more to do with the external factors of our life. After this year I’m so grateful that I had him with me and I’m glad I didn’t freak out and run away when the anxiety hit me. Maybe we won’t last forever but we’re happy now. My anxiety is rising at the minute but now it’s attaching itself to the new house and my unhappiness in my job. So what I need to do is find real anxieties that can have solutions and the things my brain is just spinning out into something more. 

TL:DR – yes I had anxiety during engagement. Some of it was a real concern but something we could find a solution to. Some of it was my brain exaggerating things. We’ve married a year and we’re happy. Sort out the real anxieties from the fake anxieties and then try to find solutions to the real anxieties/process them to understand what it’s telling you.

Post # 8
496 posts
Helper bee

Yes, I had very bad anxiety throughout my engagement. It started out as little thoughts that would pop up here and there, but instead of nipping it in the bud, I paid attention to those thoughts, and they grew and grew. Eventually I was crying uncontrollably, often at work, about how “doubt means don’t” so I guess I HAVE to leave him. I was terrified that I would fall out of love with him and/or cheat on him someday. I dissected everything about him and our relationship, trying to find “answers” to questions I didn’t even have. I tried antidepressants and three therapists (one of whom made it 10x worse by telling me that I clearly didn’t want to marry him, despite me saying the exact opposite). I hated that I wasn’t the typical excited bride-to-be.

Ideas/thoughts that helped me:

– Love is a CHOICE. Falling out of love is not something that happens to you without your consent. You are in control.

– Love your partner unconditionally. Don’t love them because of the things they do for you or how romantic they are, etc. Love them for who they are at their core, and you never have to worry about disappointment.

– If we try it and we fail, then oh well, we’ll get a divorce. Yes, it’ll suck, but it’ll suck a lot less than giving up without even trying.

Finally with the help of the thoughts above and a decent therapist who suggested I was paralyzed by the choice and I should “just do it”, we eloped. My anxiety that had been around for a YEAR, that consumed me, was cut in half that day, and again every day after that. A few months later, it was gone completely. We just celebrated our four year anniversary a few weeks ago, and my marriage is everything I’ve ever wanted for myself.

Post # 9
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I definitely had bouts of anxiety, in a lot of ways they were normal considering the huge leap of faith you take when you say you will spend the rest of your life with one person, compromising forever, and not having only yourself to think of and account for. No matter how much you love the person, it’s a huuuge decision.

But in a lot of other ways it was a manifestation of my own anxiety disorder (i also suffer from panic attacks, Obessive thoughts, major health anxiety). I never ever doubted my fiance’s (now husband’s) love, that’s actually one thing that anchored me during my OCD episodes of dissecting our relationship. He loves me in a way i never thought it was possible to be loved, and i think that screws with my mind. That feeling that I dont fully deserve it.  It’s almost as if I have a bit of a broken compas, in the sense that I know deep down relationships have ebs and flows, but I really focus on fears and internalize minor worries in a way that’s absolutely abnormal.  I was also terrified I would fall out of love, cheat (I dont have a history of cheating!), finding out im incapable of unconditional love, that he would die or get a terminal illness, that I would get a terminal illness. 

What helped me is that I was able to articulate that to my husband, as unfair that sounds for him, it really helped aleviate my personal guilt for having those thoughts. It helps that he doesn’t have that type of anxiety and so he was nothing but reassuring and understanding, and didn’t internalize my issues. He’s also well aware of how my anxiety impacts the rest of my life, and so I think he almost expected it to somewhat transfer onto our relationship.

Marrying him was the best decision I could have made. Not only because he’s the most wonderful person I have ever met, and because I love him but also because marriage itself is teaching me so much. I am learning to cope with my emotions in a way that’s not just fight-or-flight. I am learning what love really is versus what my preconceptions of how love should be. It’s a constant journey of self-discovery and with every anxiety bout that comes (it still comes in waves) i learn more and more to have some level of comfort with uncertainty. 

Post # 10
337 posts
Helper bee

Me! I’ve actually been engaged twice, and had terrible anxiety both times but either different outcomes. I also used Sheryl Paul’s e-course, as well as personal counseling and Zoloft briefly. During my first engagement, I came to realize that my anxiety actually WAS hinting that some things weren’t right with the relationship and I eventually ended that engagement. 

When I got engaged to my now Fiance, I started getting panic attacks before he even proposed bc I knew he had the ring. I was so sad because I automatically assumed that my anxiety meant something was wrong with this relationship too. But I knew it wasn’t because I had been very careful while we were dating to make sure I was sure he was it, and I was sure. But the anxiety was crippling- I was having panic attacks every day, could barely eat, and was a wreck in general. Fortunately I got myself into therapy again, retook Sheryls e-course, and started Celexa. I also talked with my Fiance extensively. I didn’t hide how I was feeling like I did with my first engagement. He didn’t shy away from it, even though a lot of the things I was telling him were scary to hear, I’m sure. After the medication kicked in and I stopped having panic attacks, I was able to use my therapy sessions effectively and used the CBT techniques to combat my anxiety. It took about six months but I gradually felt better. I’m so happy I didn’t end this engagement. I recently came off my Celexa because I’m pregnant. I was so worried I would relapse but so far, so good (except for the inherent stress that comes with first trimester symptoms and moving a wedding UP by three months lol). 

I also have GAD, though it doesn’t seem quite as severe as yours. My advice is to get yourself into counseling and on medication if necessary. Keep your fiancé in the loop,in my experience that was extremely helpful.  Take your time and do not make any decisions out of anxiety or fear. It took me 11 months to sort through my feelings during my first engagement, but when I finally made the decision to break it off, it was with a clear head. Good luck!

Post # 13
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You mentioned you are in therapy for your anxiety. Have you talked with your therapist about this?

It might do you and your Fiance some good if you saw an actual relationship therapist for premarital counseling. Fiance and I go. It was supposed to be temporary, but we get something out of each session. We’ve been going since July, and it’s seriously amazing. It might help you both understand each other better.

Also, FWIW, I think everyone has some sort of anxiety about getting engaged and then married. It’s common. Yours is just more intense because of your preexisting anxiety.

Post # 14
18 posts
  • Wedding: January 2017

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lynnctobe :  I’m going to look into it right now! Thank you so much, I feel the same. Let me know what you think when you start it 🙂

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