Post # 1
Hi Everyone…as in previous posts, I am in an LDR and it’s very complicated. My Boyfriend or Best Friend does not want to consider marriage until we can live in the same place. It isn’t clear when that will be. I feel that marriage and all that comes with it is worth it even in an LDR situation. I can understand why he sees it his way and I also still believe what I believe…
I notice that there are some Bees who took the plunge and got married without the certaintly of being able to live together yet.
How did you decide to get married while you were in an LDR?
At what point did you decide to get married in your LDR?
How has your LDR marriage worked out for you? How have you made it work?
Post # 4
well, i’m not sure i’ll be of much help, but i can share a few thoughts of my own 🙂
are you long distance because of your jobs? i’m in a LDR because i left the country SO is in to do my masters degree abroad. funnily enough, we were actually broken up at the time i made the move, and somehow managed to get back together 2 years later with me being a few countries away from him. anyway, i’m not yet engaged but will be in 2-3 months, and when we started talking about it seriously we did factor in the fact that due to our careers, we may not be in the same country after my studies are over (next year). in my opinion, considering marriage while still not quite sure when you’ll be together is completely ok. of course you want to start your marriage being in the same place, and we do plan to do that. but for me, the difference is that once we get engaged, we will both “officially” be prioritising the plan to start our lives together. i think in that sense, getting engaged while in a LDR can actually be a great thing.
if we absolutely could not live in the same place for more than a couple of years and we knew that for sure, i think we would get married anyway, before we get to live together. but if the chances are good, i would hold off getting married, but not getting engaged. does that make sense?
i’m sorry that i’m not of any more help! i guess my main point is that if you both actively and mutually decide that engagement/marriage is on the horizon, it would probably push you both to close the distance. i think it can work that way round, rather than wait for the relocation and then start the process. then again, i really don’t know your situation so this might be a moot point!
Post # 5
@peonia: Thanks for your reply! I’m glad you guys are having an ongoing discussion about it and the process is moving forward for you. I have gotten similar advice about engagement vs marriage and I think it is wise. BF said something like “Why spend all of this money and have a big party when you can’t go home with your wife?”
I am unfortunately a hopeless romantic so I feel that it would mean so much if he could make the commitment despite our challenges. Our LDR is multi-factorial but does involve a work related issue. BF is in school across the country. I am currently in school here and I will need to apply for a job soon (We are not all that young) However, I am a single mom and all of our family (mine, the kids’ dad and my partner’s) is here. For both my kids and my career it is better to stay here for now if I can help it.
That means that we probably will not be able to be together at least until my Boyfriend or Best Friend graduates from school. The chance of that, however, is low/medium because he is not guaranteed to come back here for his job. If he can’t return here, it will be uncertain what will happen next. My kids will be close to college age by then so I may be able to move when that time comes.
Anyhow, it’s a long road ahead. I would feel better if we could have a deeper commitment. He has been as committed as he can be from across the country. I know the LDR is hard on him so I understand his reasoning. I just wish things were easier! :[
Post # 6
oh i really feel you for you 🙁 it does seem complicated, and i can completely understand you wanting that commitment from him, especially since LDRs are hard enough as it is (and you have a lot more than that to juggle!). you being a “romantic” and wanting him to take the step despite everything is only natural, and i’m sure that you being this way and him being a little more practical is a great balance in your relationship, but it’s still hard! especially since both your opinions & feelings about it is valid. i can’t say much to help, but we are here to listen 🙂
Post # 7
Not the answer you’re looking for, but Boyfriend or Best Friend and I were in a long distance relationship for the first year and a half. I moved to be close to him 4 months ago, but I left all the structure in place to move back if we decide not to get engaged/married. We’ll make a decision by the end of summer.
I wouldn’t get engaged or married to someone without first living in the same town, and I defintiely wouldn’t get married and not be able to live in the same town unless there was a specific end in sight. (Example: One of my friends and her husband got married when she had started a job in their new town and he was in their old town finishing up a PhD.)
I do commend you on not uprooting your kids – I think that is great. But it sounds like he’s the one with less holding him to his area. My personal opinion… if he really wanted to be in the same town as you, he would be making concrete plans for that to happen.
Post # 8
@peonia: thanks so much! it means a lot to have you ladies and the space to talk about these complicated, messy things.
@Kurzweil: wow, that’s really great that you had that option. i always find it very brave that people can just leave everything behind to try to work on their relationship – it is so scary! how awesome that you have a back up plan! 🙂
For us, given the competitiveness of BF’s career, it is unclear whether or not he would actually be able to get a job here. It would be ideal for him to come back but the future is just so murky. Hopefully that can be a possibility!
Any other experiences? For me engagement and marriage means being committed to one another no matter what – through thick and thin. Yet I know a meaningful life “together” really trully requires being physically together because you can’t work on everyday things until then. My ideal visions and reality clash a bit. It hurts but life gives you what it does.
Thanks very much for sharing your stories!
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - woods
well i am in a ldr/ but not really.
I live together with my fi, but he is never here. he travels for his job constantly. He is usually home one weekend a month. so even though we live together, he more or less lives in various hotels. The seperation is very hard. When the topic comes up between us we have to look at it from both sides. while yes it is hard, we only became so close because of it. when your SO is home(in most relationships) you spend most of your time snuggled up, or watching tv together, ect. talking is a side effect of what you are doing. with the distance, you have to conciously think about talking to your SO. You ask more questions, you know them better than anyone because that is what happens. Are the nights sleeping alone hard? definetly!! Is raising children hard? Very!! Is it all worth it? For me, more than anything! Thats why we are getting married in 8 wks! And it stinks because I am still planning it all alone to!
You have to look at the bigger picture in life! 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - woods
now i sized that really small…. dorky computer!
Post # 11
Hi! I can relate to this. My Fiance and I were in a LDR for 4 years, living 5 hours apart. We have currently been together for 7.5 years. Up until the last half of the year, we were only seeing each other about 1x/month for a long weekend. It was really difficult. Fiance had moved for grad school. He was getting his tuition 100% covered, plus a small stipend to attend school. I had a teaching job, and with the way the economy is going, it didn’t make sense for me to give up my salary, plus health insurance.
Fiance proposed at the end of year 2 living apart. The original plan was for us to get married at the end of year 4, and he would finish up his grad school and move back about a year after that. I wasn’t excited at all about going into a Long Distance Marriage, but we did want to be married.
Fast forward to earlier this school year, Fiance ended up taking a different degree and graduating this past May. He moves back to town this week! We will not be doing a LDM, which is very exciting to both of us. Fiance is nervous, because there are uncertainties right now. We need to find a place to live, he needs to find a job, but we will make it through.
I will be honest…if I had to do it again, I would have pushed back the date of our marriage. It was really hard planning things without him here, especially due to us having somewhat of an interfaith marriage (he’s Catholic, I’m Protestant). However, I think we made the best of what we had.
Post # 12
@babybird125: What a beautiful family! (and, wow, look at those abs on mom! 🙂 Lovely story, life brings it’s challenges but looks like you guys are managing well despite the constant back and forth. Good luck with the wedding! 🙂
@keepsmiling19: Ah, it seems we can only make the best of it when we are in LDRs. Great that your life plans have changed and things will be a bit easier. Thank you for your honesty that is definitely helpful in understanding the situation.
Post # 13
Well, I can’t talk about marriage just yet, but I can talk about wedding planning and choices made.
My guy and I live about 1.5 hours away from each other, and have for the entire 3.5 years we’ve been together. He proposed Feb 2011, and we decided that we would wait to get married until I could (most likely) move to the same city as him. I graduate from my master’s program in December, so we will be getting married in December! And different obstacles have been thrown into the mix for us too. This summer I’m spending two months in France for my internship for my grad program, and he is not able to visit due to his school schedule. We try to Skype and talk every day, which is really important to us.
We wanted to be able to live together once we get married, so that’s what we are aiming to do. Good luck in your relationship and y’all’s decisions!
Post # 14
Hmmm, I honestly didn’t think too much about it and we were in an LDR until we got married.
Long story short, Darling Husband is military and we are Christians. Living together before marriage was not an option for us for religious reasons but even if that was out of the picture, I was not about to quit my job and move to where he was without the big commitment. There were no jobs where he was stationed, and of course military girlfriends have no standing whatsoever.
I am not sure when he decided he wanted to marry me, but it was somewhere between 6-12 months after we met, since he came back from a six month deployment and proposed. We were married four months later, and have now been married almost two years. We never lived together until a few weeks after our wedding when I packed up and moved to his town. I do still work, by the way. 🙂
We are not full time long distance now, but I do spend 1-2 weeks a month traveling for business on top of whatever TDY’s and deployments he has. It’s not something I ever thought about, either the traveling or us never living in the same state until we were married. It’s just our reality.