(Closed) Married LDR bees? How/when/why did you decide to get married?

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 4
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

well, i’m not sure i’ll be of much help, but i can share a few thoughts of my own πŸ™‚

are you long distance because of your jobs? i’m in a LDR because i left the country SO is in to do my masters degree abroad. funnily enough, we were actually broken up at the time i made the move, and somehow managed to get back together 2 years later with me being a few countries away from him. anyway, i’m not yet engaged but will be in 2-3 months, and when we started talking about it seriously we did factor in the fact that due to our careers, we may not be in the same country after my studies are over (next year). in my opinion, considering marriage while still not quite sure when you’ll be together is completely ok. of course you want to start your marriage being in the same place, and we do plan to do that. but for me, the difference is that once we get engaged, we will both “officially” be prioritising the plan to start our lives together. i think in that sense, getting engaged while in a LDR can actually be a great thing.

if we absolutely could not live in the same place for more than a couple of years and we knew that for sure, i think we would get married anyway, before we get to live together. but if the chances are good, i would hold off getting married, but not getting engaged. does that make sense?

i’m sorry that i’m not of any more help! i guess my main point is that if you both actively and mutually decide that engagement/marriage is on the horizon, it would probably push you both to close the distance. i think it can work that way round, rather than wait for the relocation and then start the process. then again, i really don’t know your situation so this might be a moot point!

Post # 6
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

oh i really feel you for you πŸ™ it does seem complicated, and i can completely understand you wanting that commitment from him, especially since LDRs are hard enough as it is (and you have a lot more than that to juggle!). you being a “romantic” and wanting him to take the step despite everything is only natural, and i’m sure that you being this way and him being a little more practical is a great balance in your relationship, but it’s still hard! especially since both your opinions & feelings about it is valid. i can’t say much to help, but we are here to listen πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Not the answer you’re looking for, but Boyfriend or Best Friend and I were in a long distance relationship for the first year and a half. I moved to be close to him 4 months ago, but I left all the structure in place to move back if we decide not to get engaged/married. We’ll make a decision by the end of summer.

I wouldn’t get engaged or married to someone without first living in the same town, and I defintiely wouldn’t get married and not be able to live in the same town unless there was a specific end in sight. (Example: One of my friends and her husband got married when she had started a job in their new town and he was in their old town finishing up a PhD.)

I do commend you on not uprooting your kids – I think that is great. But it sounds like he’s the one with less holding him to his area. My personal opinion… if he really wanted to be in the same town as you, he would be making concrete plans for that to happen.

Post # 9
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - woods

well i am in a ldr/ but not really.

I live together with my fi, but he is never here. he travels for his job constantly. He is usually home one weekend a month. so even though we live together, he more or less lives in various hotels. The seperation is very hard. When the topic comes up between us we have to look at it from both sides. while yes it is hard, we only became so close because of it. when your SO is home(in most relationships) you spend most of your time snuggled up, or watching tv together, ect. talking is a side effect of what you are doing. with the distance, you have to conciously think about talking to your SO. You ask more questions, you know them better than anyone because that is what happens. Are the nights sleeping alone hard? definetly!! Is raising children hard? Very!! Is it all worth it? For me, more than anything! Thats why we are getting married in 8 wks! And it stinks because I am still planning it all alone to!

You have to look at the bigger picture in life! πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - woods

now i sized that really small…. dorky computer!

Post # 11
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  Hi! I can relate to this. My Fiance and I were in a LDR for 4 years, living 5 hours apart. We have currently been together for 7.5 years. Up until the last half of the year, we were only seeing each other about 1x/month for a long weekend. It was really difficult. Fiance had moved for grad school. He was getting his tuition 100% covered, plus a small stipend to attend school. I had a teaching job, and with the way the economy is going, it didn’t make sense for me to give up my salary, plus health insurance.

  Fiance proposed at the end of year 2 living apart. The original plan was for us to get married at the end of year 4, and he would finish up his grad school and move back about a year after that. I wasn’t excited at all about going into a Long Distance Marriage, but we did want to be married.

  Fast forward to earlier this school year, Fiance ended up taking a different degree and graduating this past May. He moves back to town this week! We will not be doing a LDM, which is very exciting to both of us. Fiance is nervous, because there are uncertainties right now. We need to find a place to live, he needs to find a job, but we will make it through.

  I will be honest…if I had to do it again, I would have pushed back the date of our marriage. It was really hard planning things without him here, especially due to us having somewhat of an interfaith marriage (he’s Catholic, I’m Protestant). However, I think we made the best of what we had.

 

Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Well, I can’t talk about marriage just yet, but I can talk about wedding planning and choices made.

My guy and I live about 1.5 hours away from each other, and have for the entire 3.5 years we’ve been together. He proposed Feb 2011, and we decided that we would wait to get married until I could (most likely) move to the same city as him. I graduate from my master’s program in December, so we will be getting married in December! And different obstacles have been thrown into the mix for us too. This summer I’m spending two months in France for my internship for my grad program, and he is not able to visit due to his school schedule. We try to Skype and talk every day, which is really important to us.

We wanted to be able to live together once we get married, so that’s what we are aiming to do. Good luck in your relationship and y’all’s decisions!

Post # 14
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hmmm, I honestly didn’t think too much about it and we were in an LDR until we got married.

Long story short, Darling Husband is military and we are Christians.  Living together before marriage was not an option for us for religious reasons but even if that was out of the picture, I was not about to quit my job and move to where he was without the big commitment.  There were no jobs where he was stationed, and of course military girlfriends have no standing whatsoever.  

I am not sure when he decided he wanted to marry me, but it was somewhere between 6-12 months after we met, since he came back from a six month deployment and proposed.  We were married four months later, and have now been married almost two years.  We never lived together until a few weeks after our wedding when I packed up and moved to his town.  I do still work, by the way. πŸ™‚

We are not full time long distance now, but I do spend 1-2 weeks a month traveling for business on top of whatever TDY’s and deployments he has.  It’s not something I ever thought about, either the traveling or us never living in the same state until we were married.  It’s just our reality.

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