Post # 1
I am not married (yet!) nor am I engaged (yet!) but I have some inquiries that I am hoping some of you can help answer for me.
So, here’s the thing: Three very, very close girlfriends of mine have gotten married over the last year and I was so giddy and excited for them. We gushed over wedding details and as each day brought us closer to their respective wedding dates, I became more and more excited for my own future wedding and marriage.
Perhaps it is important to note that these friends only began living with their husbands after they had married.
Of course, after they all returned from their honeymoons and settled back in life, I asked them, "So, how’s married life? How exciting is it?" and I expected the sort of answers I had read on weddingbee – I expected to hear about how wonderful it was to finally BE with the man of your dreams, working through life together, dreaming together, and just being MARRIED to each other. The responses I received were nothing like that. They all just shrugged and said things like, "It’s the same. Nothing exciting." One of them said knowing full well how anxious I am for my BF to propose, "You’re so lucky you’re still single. Marriage isn’t all that people think it is."
Now, I’m a little put off by this. If it were just one friend saying this, I would just shrug it off. But THREE of them have been saying this and it’s bothering me. One friend said, "Being married is the same as dating. If I had known this, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."
I’m so confused about this.
Can someone tell me about their experiences? What stays the same and what changes? Is marriage JUST LIKE dating? Are my friends just unhappy and they’re just trying to make me feel badly?
Post # 3
I don’t think your friends are trying to make you feel badly. I kinda hate when people ask me this question because I don’t know how to answer it. Honestly, things feel the same between us, but I think people expect a little more than that for an answer.
Post # 4
I agree with Lillindy – we were married in November, and really, our feelings haven’t changed that much. I think now there’s more of an emphasis on "getting our ducks in a row" so we can do the family/house purchase thing, but really, it’s still just us. Then again, we’ve beeing living together and have shared one bank account for the last 3 years, so we didn’t expect anything earth-shattering. It’s actually really nice – we’ve settled into a routine, we know what to expect, and we’ve really started looking at where we want to be in 3 or 5 years. I would never say to anyone "You’re so lucky you’re still single" because I wouldn’t trade in my hubby for anything, but at the same time, for couples that have been dating for a while and have moved in together, the whole marriage thing really just adds a layer of security and commitment and "realism" to what you’ve already been doing.
Post # 5
My husband said he doesn’t feel like its that different, but I really do! There is something so amazing to me about being so committed to him. Knowing that we stood up in front of all of our friends and family and vowed to be there for each other through it all. Knowing that we can and will work through whatever comes our way. I guess it depends if you felt that 100% committed before marriage, but I know I didn’t. More like 95% and that 5% was big for me 🙂 I think when my husband went through the process of deciding to propose, he might have mentally gotten there before me.
I also love him even more now than before we were married. I think being married is awesome!!! And I think its different in a way that is hard for me to verbalize….
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
"Omg, I hate the "how’s married life" question". Might be even worse than "so when are you going to start a family?"
I’m not even marreid yet, but I KNOW it’s coming. We already live together. We own our cars together. We share our finances. We eat homecooked meals together. We plan our schedules together. What am I supposed to say to "how’s married life?" LOL. While I think there will be an emotional high for a while due to the celebratory nature (cutesyness of the name-change and all that), I don’t see a big change coming myself, either.
Post # 7
omg marquisemiss you are SOOO right. It is a really annoying question and you get it ALL THE TIME!!! Its like people feel obligated to ask.
Post # 8
I have just hit the 1 month mark, and have been asked about 1000 times how the married life is. It’s annoying, especially because I can’t answer "Its amazing!" I think I am in the same boat as your friends….we didn’t live together before the wedding, and I think it is just a time of adjustment and compromise and a little stress. Besides the fact that you just spent the most time and money and energy you will ever on a party, you are also having to move (stressful), figure out finances and housework, and just get into a new routine where you are not the boss of everything in your life. The changing of your name can be a little sad (which I was not expecting), and where you once got to pack to go visit your man (which makes it feel like you are going somewhere – exciting!), you are now just hashing it out for closet space. I love my husband more than anything, we’ve been together 7 strong years, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but I think for a lot of us who are making the move after the wedding, it is just a lot to take in all at once!
Post # 9
Thanks for the responses. I never realized that asking how it is being married was so irritating for newlyweds. I suppose I can understand that it must be aggravating when EVERYONE asks. But I guess I thought it would just fantastically wonderful and "new." Also, my friends did not life with their husbands prior to marrying them nor do I plan to move in with my bf until marriage so I guess there WAS supposed to be a difference.
Ah well! Thanks for the insight!
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
I think that when you move in together, regardless of whether you’re married or not, it’s a huge change. It can be awesome because you two get to be together more and share a home together, but it’s also very stressful and often a time of many disagreements regarding who takes care of what, who pays for what, who goes where, and when, who comes over or who goes out, and what you do with your downtime (among many other things). So, It’s definitely a learning experience, and it CAN be great, provided that you’re open, honest, and willing to communicate and compromise.
Post # 11
Marriage was a HUGE change for us because we didn’t live together beforehand. It’s an adjustment, but for us it was a good adjustment… we didn’t have any problems learning to live together. We thought our first year of marriage was exciting because everything was new!
And the "how’s married life?" question didn’t irritate me.. I always was excited when someone asked me because it gave me a chance to gush about my new hubby. 🙂
Post # 12
WE lived together for 3 years before getting married, and to us, being married is VERY new, exciting, and different! We are more of a team now. We keep things more private – whereas before I might have run to complain to my girls during a fight, now I keep those details private. Arguments are less scary now because we know that we will work it out and not break up. It also forces us to solve issues sooner rather than later because the stakes are so high. And we’re super happy together, so yes being married is awesome!
Post # 13
I’m not married yet, either, but at least I know I won’t have to deal with the "when are you going to start a family" questions for a while. I’m only 22, so I surely hope no one is going to be asking us that too quickly. Give me five years at least. Some of my family is probably under the impression that I don’t want kids, since for a long time I was sure I didn’t and very vocal about it. I do think I’ll want them eventually…but I’ll not tell the family that for a while. 🙂