(Closed) Married now but it's getting rocky.

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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bbalvarz :  go back to the original problem, he changed after you got married. He now expects the gender roles he grew up with (I assume part of that is the man tells the woman what she can spend on and do, hence the trip). 

This is the real problem. Don’t let the side issue of the trip fog the real issue. 

As for the trip, only you know what is doable financially and if a grown up wouldn’t go, then you shouldn’t go. But that has nothing to do with him expecting you to wait on him, and you better have a conversation about these expectations. If that doesn’t work, I hope he will go to marriage counseling with you. 

Post # 3
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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bbalvarz :  How were things when you were dating? Did you guys take turns making dinner and cleaning, or did you usually do it? When you talked about getting married and what it would be like how specific were you about expectations? I’m just trying to understand how it could go from splitting things 50/50 to super traditional gender roles. 

Post # 4
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you need to sit down and have a serious open talk. What has worked best for us is to each take a turn to talk and share feeling thoughts whatever and the other person cannot absolutely at all talk or interrupt. If he wasn’t like this before then ask him what has changed?

 

Personally I’d never go on a vacation without my husband.  But if you feel comfortable going without him and you have the money for it then go ahead. I’d be upset if my husband went on a trip without me ESPECIALLY if we are saving money for x reason.

Post # 5
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

First, he didn’t magically change overnight with his views. He might not have pushed them as strongly before you were married, but I guarantee they were always there.

Secondly, his snap at you regarding the trip is likely not about the trip at all. Its about the disagreement you two are having on roles in the household. Only both of you can decide if the trip is financially doable.

You two really have a communication issue. You two really need to sit down and have a frank discussion with each other. You claim he’s selfish for demanding you cook for him. Yet, judging by your word choices, you TOLD him you were working out on certain days. That’s selfish too.

I think you both can have exactly what you want (your working out time, and him a home cooked meal made by you), but you really need to sit down and work out a schedule with each other (and leave out the sarcastic replies. Those rarely ever help the situation).

As a side not, I wonder if he really just wants more ‘together’ time. I’d suggest a night or two that’s special, where you BOTH cook together.

Post # 6
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s so typical that these male chauvanists who expect to call the shots in the marriage and be waited on, seem to be okay with their wives bringing home a pay cheque! As in can you do everything my mom did a generation ago as a Stay-At-Home Wife, only you can work 40 hours a week on top of all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and help pay the bills and save for a house, even though I’ll be making the financial decisions for both of us. 

 

Post # 7
Member
5466 posts
Bee Keeper

I disagree with an earlier poster that working out is selfish. How is that selfish? You need to move your body for health. My husband makes most of the meals but if he has a project or something I don’t whine to him about not making it. 

I think a heart to heart is warranted to find out why he suddenly wants traditional roles. If he wants traditional, then he can pay all the bills and you can stay home. That’s part of the deal too. I know that’s not what you want but I feel like I keep hearing about these men that want the traditional roles MINUS being the only one working. Nope. 

Post # 8
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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sweatergal007 :  Agree that working out isn’t selfish, it’s taking care of yourself. I wouldn’t have a problem with my husband going to the gym after work and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to have a problem with me doing the same. He should be supportive of OP taking care of her well being, not pouting because cave man come home dinner no ready. 

Post # 9
Member
657 posts
Busy bee

You are not being selfish. It’s not as if you were going out with your friends three days a week. Working out should be applauded. I think it it reasonable for you to ask him to cook three nights a week.

One interesting point that Steny03 brought up is alone time. He could be acting up just because you’re not as available as you used to be. Perhaps the cooking/cleaning together routine was one that he really enjoyed but got disrupted by your working out. You should sit down with him and talk about it but if this is really the real issue, maybe you can either reschedule the workouts or push dinner back so that you can cook together. 

Post # 10
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

To those disagreeing with my statements about her wanting to workout as being selfish….

It was not the act itself. I think working out is something good to do. But I also think word choice by the OP is also important. She didn’t state that they discussed it, or that he was fine with changing their routine. She made it sound like she just TOLD him that this was the way it was going to be. THAT is what I was calling selfish (her choice, which did not sound like it included any input from him, but that altered both their schedules). 

Hopefully that clarifies things. I certainly didn’t want to make it sound like working out or being healthy was selfish in itself.

Post # 11
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Maybe I’m misunderstanding but it seems really weird that he changed so suddenly after getting married.  Isn’t the saying go… men marry expecting wives to stay the same and women marry expecting husband to change (aka we can fix them?)?

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and find some middle ground that works for both of you so that you aren’t mad at each other as often.

Suggestions – maybe work out every other day?  MWF?  Maybe work out before work so it doesn’t cut into dinner time?  Maybe have food prepped for him when he’s on his own (but it seems like he’s a good cook on his own maybe have meal suggestions for him?)?  Maybe get local take out menus and stack them near the phone for him to order from when you are not there?  These might not work for you but they are suggestions.

I will say I feel like no relationship is perfect so having lots of talks is useful and finding middle ground seems to help a lot.  The first year of marriage is always the toughest!  You are not alone.

Post # 12
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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steny03 :  I still don’t understand. Was she supposed to ask him if she could work out on those days? I don’t ask my husband if I can do a damn thing.

Post # 13
Member
15198 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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steny03 :  She didn’t state that they discussed it, or that he was fine with changing their routine. She made it sound like she just TOLD him that this was the way it was going to be.

How else was it supposed to go down?  She informed him she was going to change up *her* routine and go work out 3x a week.  *He* can still go home like he does with out her at home for a little while longer. Was she supposed to ask his permission like he is in charge her her time??  I still fail to see how this is any sort of communication issue or selffish.

The problem here is his 1950’s housewife expectations of his modern wife.  I mean, if you want to be the 1950’s house wife, that’s fine and would be perfect, but you’re not and his “sudden” expection of that is just not going to work.  If he loves to cook too… why didn’t he just make himself dinner??  Are you guys bound to a routine after work with regards to dinner and meal planning right now?  Maybe you can sit down and make a schedule with him… maybe Wed and thur he cooks and has dinner ready for YOU when you get home and MF, you for him?  And prep some left overs for Tue so you both dont have to worry about dinner that day.  But the exepction that you be home to cook dinner every day by some time is crazy.  

Post # 14
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

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ela0919 :  I think any decision that impacts the routine or schedules of both partners needs to be discussed. I think it’s a bit unfair to drastically change something without at least taking your other half into consideration. How would you feel if your partner made a decision to alter your daily routine, without even bothering to find out how you feel about it? 

It’s not about needing permission from your husband. It’s about respecting your other half enough to take their feelings/views/opinions into account.

Post # 15
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee

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steny03 :  I see where you are coming from and was going to make a similar comment.

I think every marriage and family runs differently. Each person has their ‘chores’ and each person relies on the other one. If my husband TOLD me he was going to do anything, that wouldn’t fly. Goes the same way. I don’t TELL him anything. We discuss. It goes something like this “hey babe, I’ve been wanting to work out a bit more. based on my schedule, I’m thinking 6-7 MTW will work best. What do you think?”. Or he says “hey honey, My coworkers and I were thinking of joining a beer league baseball team. Tuesday and Thursday 8-9. What do you think?”.

I wouldn’t just TELL my husband “babe, I know we have a schedule and I cook dinner while you blah blah blah, but I’m not doing that anymore because I’m doing something instead. Your hands work, so you figure out your own dinner”. 

Eating dinner is an important part of the day (seriously). If the agreement or schedule or whatever you and your husband had figured out was that it was your responsibility to handle making dinner, then you need to hold up your end of the deal, or discuss things together. My husband has his responsibilities around the house and I have mine. I rely on him to do his chores and he relies on me. If either of us just flat out told the other person we weren’t going to do our part anymore, it wouldn’t be cool. Doesnt mean you have to ask for permission or whatever, its just a common respect.

Also- I could see how your husband thinks it wouldn’t be wise to spend money on a vacay for only one of you while you’re trying to save up for a house. 

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