(Closed) Married now, Wedding later?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Bridgewater Place

Oh man, I’m sorry that people are giving you grief. I can certainly understand why you got married. I think that’s common among couples where one half lives in a different country. You did what you had to do to be togeter and I don’t think that means you shouldn’t be able to celebrate it by having a larger “wedding.”

My immediate thought to your post was, “who cares what they think. If they don’t want to go they don’t have to go.” I mean really. Let’s think about it. How much does it cost you to have the wedding??? It’s a pretty penny to put on this show for your friends and family to celebrate your happiness with you and get free food, some booze and maybe even some favors. Why should it matter to them if you have to celebrate AFTER you had to get married?

On the other hand, I know it’s not that simple because for a minute I found myself in a position were my fiance and I might have needed to get married so that he could use my health insurance. When it was me, it was nervewracking as all get out.

In the end: it’s your life. Would you regret or feel sad about not having the celebration? Is something you want? 

Do it. be happy and celebrate your union πŸ™‚ Good luck

Post # 4
8422 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you are already married I think it would be called a renewal of vows…. But really what does it matter what people call it?? It’s still important to you and will make you happy so just don’t sweat the small stuff!

But really don’t let them get to you…. And call it whatever makes you happy just try not to get too upset if some people don’t understand the terminology of it all. 

Post # 5
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this negativity!

I’m in your situation, except with a deployment. We’re having a civil ceremony before he leaves ( we don’t get to live together, though πŸ™ ), then having a vow renewal a little bit after he returns. Fortunately everyone has been very supportive and I haven’t received any negative comments, but I completely understand your anxiety.

You don’t want people to think any less of the occassion because you’re technically already married. I kind of have that same anxiety. But you know what? I would band together with the supportive people in your life that understand your situation and focus on that when planning your ceremony/reception. You and your husband made the best decision for your situation, and I think every couple has the right to a beautiful wedding if they so choose to celebrate with family and friends.

If you can cut out the negative Nancies, I would. But don’t let those people get you down or keep you from your dreams.

Post # 6
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You should have your wedding!!!! It’s not selfish at all. Tell your discouraging friends that you wanted the symbolic event for when family and friends can visit and this is the time! There’s nothing wrong with that at all!

Post # 7
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sorry to hear you’re stressing over this.

LOTS of international couples get legally married and then have a wedding after. It’s just due to visa and logistics issues. But, whatever the case, I don’t see the big deal here.

Yes, technically and legally (if anything), your wedding may be called Renewal of vows, but really, so what?

I would however, as my officiant will call it, a “commitment ceremony”. Either way, it’s a celebration of marriage and a happy occasion.

So unfortunate that you have some mean people around though. Your decision is none of their business and if they can’t be happy about you, they are not friends anyway!

I should also add my experience too.

We are an international couple and having 3 weddings. One religious and one civil western style legally binding, and one celebration party back in the country where we live! Also, an already legally married couple we are friends with are having a destination wedding one year later they got married. They said on the invitation, that they have been already married legally but having a wedding in placeplace.

In the country where we live, legal requirements is the paperwork. Having a wedding (ceremony) doesn’t marry you. But people still do ceremony thing in a fake church or whatever, now that’s fake. But nobody questions it.


Post # 8
5107 posts
Bee Keeper

This happens all the time with people who have done destination weddings. My husband and I got married in Hawaii, and had planned on doing a formal wedding when we got home so friends and distant family could be involved. It’s no different than that! Try not to let those comments bother you. Just because you did things differently does not mean you’re not entitled to celebrate your wedding HOWEVER YOU WANT. And I think whatever makes you feel the most comfortable with whatever you want to call it, you should do!!!

Post # 9
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

people are going to judge and criticize you and your wedding no matter what… so just try to not let it bother you… nothing wrong in marrying now and then having the reception later.. i have many friends who were on student visa and married their bfs soon after graduating or while in extended school.. and then had the wedding a year later and redid the ceremony too.. everyone knew but it was still a wedding guests attended and enjoyed.. 

as long as you and your hubby have the weddings of your dreams then everything is good.. πŸ™‚

Post # 10
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Tanyaophoto:  My first marriage could have been written by you. I was Canadian and my ex husband lived in the US. We had a simple civil ceremony with his parents,  his 2 brothers and my parents came down to the US for the ceremony. The following summer we had a huge wedding in Canada because it was my dream day and I wanted to have a pretty princess day. 

I completely understand where you are coming from. The best advice I can give you is that 5, 10 or 20 years from now NO ONE is going to remember your special day like you and your husband will. So do what you and your husband want and forget about what everyone else thinks. Weddings can and do bring out the worst in some people. It also seems that everyone wants to have an opinion about something that is really none of their business. Do what makes you happy and what you have always dreamed of and in the end- people will just deal with it. 

I wish you the best of luck! Also, congratulations on getting married! πŸ™‚

@Torrid:  Also, +1 πŸ™‚

Post # 12
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

We’re still hashing out our details, but we are also an international couple. I’ve really only heard it criticised on the Bee (in real life, people tend to see the trouble international marriages are, and understand that they don’t always fit into a box). I suspect most of the people criticizing have never actually had to deal with the stresses that come with these situations.

Pod what you want, it’s your special day, and you absolutely deserve your special day!

Post # 13
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@farawayviolet:  +1. 

I think it’s funny when people make a big deal out of the paperwork aspect of marriage since the majority of humans to have ever been married were without paperwork altogether.  It didn’t seem to make any of history’s marriages less important/valid.  Best of luck with your wedding!

Post # 14
13249 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think I’m in the minority here, but I think that you should be calling this a vow renewal, or a celebration of your marriage, but not a wedding, because you have already been wedded. 

Does all of your family and friends know that you’re already married?  For what it’s worth, I think it’s okay to have a big celebration of your wedding even though you’re already married, as long as you’re honest and people know that this isn’t your actual wedding.  My issue with these situations usually comes when there is deceit involved, because I think it’s unfair and rude to deceive friends and family, then ask them to come celebrate (it’s happened in my family, and it ended very badly). 

Another thing to consider is, if you’re already married, many officiants won’t marry you, because it’s not the “real” ceremony.  I’m not sure how it works in religious ceremonies, because that’s a whole different game, but I’m pretty sure they can’t perform a wedding ceremony for a couple who is already married…but I could be wrong on that one!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Post # 15
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s a vow renewal.  Personally, i would have a reception but not a second ceremony.  You didn’t ‘just’ go to the courthouse- photographer, dinner… you already really had a reception too.

Post # 16
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow…I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with the negative comments.  That’s disappointing. 

My dad is a pastor and he’s run into these situations before.  Technically, the church calls it a vow renewal or a celebration of marriage.  I have no idea what a Jewish officiant would say about it.  I guess I would see it as more of of those, but the PP had great points about deployment weddings, etc.  I don’t see a problem with having the 2 ceremonies.  The wording might need to be a little different in the ceremony because of the courthouse ceremony, but it might not.  

Either way, congratulations!  I hope you guys can get something worked out that you’re all happy with!

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