(Closed) “Married People Don’t Have Sex”

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I want to add that work schedules also effect things.  When DH and I were dating I stayed up pretty late with him because I didn’t have to be at work till 9:30 a.m. just 15 minutes away.  Now, with my new job I have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. across town. Nowadays I’m headed to bed at 9:00.  I have no idea when he comes to bed.  My point is… when we want to be intimate he has to come to bed with me because after about 9:30 it’s a wrap!  This might be Too Much Information but afterwards he throws on sweats and heads back downstairs and I go to sleep.  One night he even said “Thank you, ma’am.” lol!  I thought it was funny but that might offend a lot of ladies.  I imagine a lot of ladies wouldn’t be on board with this kind of compromise.  

Post # 18
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@Wonderstruck: agree with this

Things tapered off in that dept, which I could attribute to life being busy and my bc. Now that I’m off it we are doing much better, in every aspect.

Just because you get married doesn’t mean you sex life has to suffer. You just might have to work harder at it

Post # 19
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Totally true.  That’s why all babies are born out of wedlock.

JK.

It’s not true for us, so far. *knockonwood*

I’m curious, how does your friend know so much about other people’s sex lives?

Post # 20
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Our sex life has changed since having kids.  Maybe we don’t feel like doing it as much or we just don’t have as many opportunities, but when we do get to… it’s better and better every time.  So, another way of looking at it could be “quality over quanity”.  Not saying it wasn’t amazing before, just that even amazing can get better and that is worth the slow down, IMO.

Post # 21
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@MrsLongcoatPeacoat:THIS.

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@NJmeetsBX: Don’t get me wrong, we still do have sex pretty frequently, but if I find we’ve gone a couple days without it it’s most likely because we’ve been too tired. We get home, cook dinner, clean up, talk about our day, try to spend some “quality time,” and then go to bed. By the time we’re in bed with the lights off relaxing.. sometimes it’s just nicer to sleep than do the work.. ha!

I can say that when we were in a LDR, when we’d finally get to see eachother we would joke that we’d do it so much our parts were gonna fall off. (TMI i know) Now that we live together, it’s a bit different.. Just don’t lose the *spark* and you’ll be fine!

Post # 22
Member
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think intimacy is something you have to work at, make time for, cultivate and sacrifice for.  Love is a feeling and a fleeting emotion at times, its all great when you first meet but eventually the fire will die down-complacency, boredom, stress etc. Its up to the couple to stoke it up!

Post # 23
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ok I am not married yet ( one week!!! ) but Fiance and I have lived together a long time and we have a son 18 month toddler!! I can say that you are tired when you have a child and work full time or more! Your body and mind is just tired. I hate to say it but sometimes you just really need to make an effort to have sex. Its not that we dont want to, we are just exahsted. We still manage to have sex about 4 times a week. Which is pretty good considering I work days and he works nights LOL

Post # 24
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think it has much to do with marriage – it’s more about being with someone for awhile and new relationships vs. established relationships.  There’s a level of passion and excitement in a lot of new relationships that it’s just not practical or feasible to keep up later on (seriously, if we still got it on like we did when we first met, nothing would ever get done). The uncertainty and the newness can make intimacy more exciting and urgent, even when the relationship itself lacks (or hasn’t yet established) depth and closeness.

Also, PhD programs are way worse than marriage.  Ugh stupid grad school.

Post # 25
Member
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Although this is a relatively “modern” conundrum. If you were waiting for sex until your married, it would be just the opposite πŸ˜‰

Post # 26
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

In all seriousness, I think it has more to do with the couple than the situation.

At certain times in your life it will require work to keep that spark going. To get above that tiredness or monotony. I think the core of the issue lies in attraction and sexual desire. If you want it, you make it happen.

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, 9 of those living together and we’re still going strong. We did notice a decline when we adopted our puppy because we felt guilty about locking her out of the bedroom. And who knows what will happens once baby enters our world. πŸ™‚ I see it dwindling a bit while we’re getting used to the baby but I see us picking back up once we’re in the groove.

But I think that’s why the sex gods invented quickies! πŸ˜‰

Post # 27
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Eva Peron: That is the thing! We had a kid, started going to church so we were trying to wait until marriage but it was soooooooo hard! But then Immediately after the wedding it was just like whatever and it makes me mad because why was it so hard NOT to have sex when we weren’t supposed to but now that we are supposed to we don’t… That is what is so saddening for me!

Post # 28
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ugh, I wish someone had told my parents that married people don’t have sex. The walls in our house were paper thin. I guess that’s how they ended up with 6 kids πŸ˜›

To be honest, I don’t think it’s marriage. I think a lot of it is stress levels and being tired, but I don’t even think that’s all of it. I think sometimes you go through periods of low libido. Even before we were married, even in relatively low stress times, there were periods where I made good friends with my vibrator. And there were other times where his hand was his best friend (sorry, lol TMI?) 

In our case, we have a lot more sex than we did before. Now that we are living together we can actually have morning sex! I’m not as into it in the morning as he is, but if I want it and can’t get him into it at night I know I just need to wear something sexy to bed and he’ll be all over me in the morning πŸ˜› Haha, I feel like I’m being way too explicit but, I also keep a bottle of lube and a little bottle of sensitizing cream in my bedside table with my vibe. Those are my lifesavers, they basically guarantee that I can get “in the mood” if he is and I’m not, that I can make it physically possible if we’re both in the mood but I’m not wet enough, and that if I’m in the mood and he’s not, I can take care of myself. I will say that 99% of the time, if I take matters into my own hands, within a few minutes he wants to join. Not always though, and that’s ok πŸ™‚

The other thing we do a little differently is that we schedule “sex days” usually a weekend day where we tell others that we have other plans and we just plan to have sex all day. Of course most of the day is spent watching the History channel naked, but when the mood strikes us again there’s nothing to stop us from just doing it right then and there. When we have kids it will be more difficult I’m sure, but we plan to take the kids to our parents on those days. We also get into pretty kinky sex play which helps keep things interesting. 

 

Post # 29
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

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@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: Being an adult is kind of a mood killer. I feel you.

Post # 30
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Our sex life hasn’t suffered at all. We don’t get frisky nearly as often as some of the other posters here, but that was always the case for us. The quality of the sex, though, is mindblowing and even improving over time.

Post # 31
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

We haven’t had much of a difference at all–we’re both really busy most of the time, or tired, or I’m cleaning, housework, etc., wedding planning (we’re legal, but not “wedded”) and he has back and knee problems, so that kind of puts a damper on things, so we get it maybe once a week (TMI?) but I suspect that once we stop working six days a week and stop having to stress so much about $$ things will get much fiestier.

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