(Closed) “Married People Don’t Have Sex”

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: I agree

I think everyone makes great points about being tired, busier and life getting in the way. But I also think that there are other things in play:

Age is factor. When I was in my 20’s I could 3-5 times a week. In my 30’s, 2-3 times a week. But now that I’m in my 40’s 1 time a week, and I’m very very happy.

It’s not that we’ve been together for a long long time and lost the spark (married 1 year, together 3). It’s been like this for most of the relationship. In the beginning, we spent a larger percentage of our time together having sex, but we only saw it other on the weekends. We still are very affectionate and I think he is sexy as hell, but that animal, I have to get you naked NOW, feeling just isn’t as strong.

I think if you have sex more often now, you think having it less would make you sad. But you don’t actually miss it, because the hormones that make you want it have decreases. I think you satisfy you need for intimacy in different ways.

For us, snuggling on the couch or holding hands when we walk around or just hugging in the kitchen fills that imtimacy need.

I think marriages get into trouble when ALL the intimacy leaves–the snuggling and hand holding. Things that make you feel closer to each other. When that goes, along with the lack of sex, that’s when people feel lonely and unhappy in their marriage. 

Don’t panic in your relationship if the sex decreases. It’s only a concern if your overall level of closeness decreases to the point you aren’t happy.

Post # 33
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@Eva Peron: You would think… but really SOOOO many things go into the the whole “sex how often” aspect.

@NJmeetsBX: DH and I still have pretty regular sex, but went a couple week & a half stretches when I was feeling like poo in my frist trimester.

There should be seasons throughout a marriage where sex isn’t as often or prominent, but it’s in those times (like having babies/toddlers, new jobs, finals weeks, grad school, etc) that you MAKE the time and effort…. seriously.. SCHEDULE sex. So that you and your DH can have that intimacy that is NEEDED to keep the relationship united & intact.

Seriously I think that it’s just easy to get lazy in these seasons and in the long run it can be really detrimental.

They are totally right when they say that marriage takes WORK.. and just like it takes work in all the other aspects, it sometimes takes work in the sex department. The great thing though is if you put in the work, then 10, 15, 20 years down the line your sex is BETTER than when you started… just like everything else =)

Post # 34
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@NJmeetsBX: Marriage takes work. You’ll hit ups and downs, but it is what you make it. Don’t let other’s expectations or circumstances bring you down… you aren’t them, and you have a different set of expectations and circumstances. Be an exception. Defy your fears.

 

Post # 35
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am going to second the age factor.  It can have a big impact, along with work, stress, and just a lot of life obligations.  We have phases where we will have a ton and then phases where we are both in the mood, but verbalize we are just too tired or exhausted to go through with it.  I think when there is less sex, you have to work harder at creating and maintaining intimacy, because I do think that is critical in relationships.  And communication is key about the subject, as it is really with everything I suppose.  I know as we go through life we will have things that will impact our sex life and that’s just the way it goes.  And we’re ok with that and we understand it does take extra effort sometimes. 

Post # 36
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

We have no less sex now than we did while engaged. I think it is something that has to be worked on and you need to make sure that each person is satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having. I think sex life probably diminshes a lot once you have kids, but I don’t think marriage alone changes things.

Post # 37
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Our schedules affect our intimate time. If we weren’t in the same house already, we’d see each other even less. That was one of the reasons for cohabitating, for us.

I think that’s the biggest thing – work or changing personal lives. We’ve had to schedule “date time” before. I hated the idea at first, but now I’m fine with it, that’s just both of us making the effort.

Post # 38
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yes, there will be times when you’re too tired, too stressed, or too whatever to have sex.  But a marriage takes work, which includes making time to have those intimate moments just like before you were married. 

Post # 39
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@linguo42: I feel the same way, it just gets better and better with age. Our motto is “quality over quantity” 🙂

Post # 40
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: truth. We are “TIRED” people! Fiance is always tired from his job and since we have our house…we are both worn out. And sometimes I fall asleep on him while watching TV and he knows it’s out of the question, haha. We sometimes would rather nap together and cuddle than sex!

Post # 41
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I obviously can’t say what the future will hold, but for us, the opposite is true. 

I was on the pill for a long time, and the shot before that. It has more or less destroyed my sex drive. We had sex, but it was always a concious choice on my part to make myself have sex with him. 

But then I ran out of BC pills, and before I could go get more my sex drive started to come back. DH and I talked about it and agreed to switch to condoms only until we decide we’re ready for TTC (which will be a few years). 

Seriously, we have *WAY* more sex now than we did while we were dating/engaged. I can’t say it will stay this way forever, but for now we’re enjoying married life 🙂 

Post # 43
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really think it is the combination of tiredness, BC and only so many hours in a day affect sex drives. It just needs to be scheduled in, sounds boring I know and systematic, but making time for it turns from almost a “chore” into something you think that is just part of your day naturally 🙂

Post # 44
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Our sex slows during times of stress, but even if we aren’t having sex we try to find other ways to be intimate.

Post # 45
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s already been said but I work nights, DH doesn’t. I went from fertility drugs to BC and I’m a mess physically and emotionally. We’ve had people living with us at times and DH averages maybe 5 hrs of sleep a day. Is our sex life as active as it was premarriage? Hell no bc all of the above happened in the last year; however we are coming around from all the stress. I don’t put my sex life out there anyway for others to judge and I’ve always hated this statement. Truth is this stuff can happen at any point in a relationship, not just when there’s a ring on your finger.

Post # 46
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

Married for almost 18 years.  Living together for 23.  Known eachother for 28.  We still have great sex often.  I would make you blush if I told you about our weekend in Vegas week before last! 

 

But it’s true that your sex life goes through periods of waxing and waning.  Kids, Jobs, Parents, Stress, Bills, Hormones.  But if you truly love eachother, you will work through it, find the time and make it happen.  Who wants to turn down an orgasm?!?!  My advice is if you are turning eachother down because you’re “too tired”  STOP IT!  You’ll be surprised how good you feel if you just do IT!  What a great way to start a day or end one or even a quickie at noon.  Your sex life is really up to you. 

 

We still feel like we’re on our honeymoon!

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