Married to an introvert

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I would try to have a conversation right away. I think you’re setting yourself up to be in a bad situation honestly. Darling Husband and I are both introverted so our relationship works, but it’s hard for me to imagine how things would work out if he was very extroverted, I tend to be stubborn. Try telling him that it bothers you that you do all the planning/he doesn’t intiate going out more. Hopefully the conversation will open the right doors for you.

Post # 3
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It sounds like you have a bigger problem than just introversion and extroversion. My relationship is similar to yours, except that I’m the introvert and I’m married to an extrovert. But we have things that we enjoy together. He definitely likes to go out every so often and hang out with the guys, while I prefer a quiet evening at home. But we also have activities that we enjoy together as a couple. We go hiking, camping, and we have shows that we like to watch together in the evenings. Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean being a homebody. The watching TV alone downstairs while you’re watching Netflix alone upstairs is a little concerning. What kinds of things do the two of you enjoy? What are some activities that you both enjoy together? Do you talk, cuddle, kiss, etc? As I mentioned, just because someone is an introvert doesn’t mean that they have no interests other than sitting at home watching TV. He should definitely be making an effort in planning activities for the two of you. If he isn’t, then you may want to seek out couples counseling because from your description, it honestly sounds he’s emotionally checked out from this marriage. 

Post # 4
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

I’m the introverted one in our relationship and we’ve both learned to compromise.  It’s not that I entirely hate social outings, I just like them with a little less frequency.  Whereas my Fiance would be fine spending pretty much every day hanging out with family and friends if he could.  I make an effort to go out for a social gathering with him I’d say an average of one night a week, or maybe sometimes one every two weeks.  It varies a little depending on my work schedule.  I think what you’re doing by going out without him is fine because you shouldn’t have to sacrifice how you’d like to live your life just because he’s more of a homebody.  But what does sound like a problem is that even when you’re both home together you’re not really spending time together.  Watching TV in two separate rooms is super strange to me.  Where’s the cuddling?  I don’t get it.  And admitting how much you enjoyed flirting with the guy you met, sounds to me like your marriage may be in trouble.  I don’t think I have any real advice but I think you probably already know you may need to think about if you’re with the right person.

Post # 5
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yes, you’re treading in dangerous waters. There’s nothing wrong with going to a Meetup (although in my limited experience with Meetup, the co-ed ones did tend to be packed full with singles looking to mingle…when my goal was to make friends, I had much better experiences with all-female Meetups). But it sounds like you and this dude were flirting through the night, which is not cool, you know it’s not cool or you wouldn’t be posting about it. Also were you wearing your wedding ring? I feel like that would have normally been a deterrent! 

Anyway, nip this shit in the bud now. Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Schedule date nights, or maybe a mini vacay or somethinng just the two of you to try to reconnect. You need to accept that he’s an introvert and will always be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean accepting a lack of attention from him. In the meantime, maybe limit yourself to girls-only Meetups?

Post # 6
Member
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Caroline1 :  Yes, that’s definitely treading in dangerous territory. I agree w/PPs, this doesn’t sound like an introvert/extrovert problem. I’m an introvert and I plan dates all the time. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you never want to spend time with ANYONE, it just means you don’t always want to spend time with EVERYONE. Spending one-on-one time with your spouse should not be draining, even for an introvert. In a healthy relationship, I mean. If someone’s needy and clingy, yes, that would be draining but that’s why you don’t marry that person. Your expectations seem reasonable to me. Rather than look for that attention and affection from someone else, I’d see if your husband is willing to figure out why he can’t offer it himself. 

Post # 7
Member
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I’m both introvert and extrovert depending on the circumstance but Darling Husband is extremely introvert. While he can spend tons of time in the house for extended periods of time I can only handle it in spurts. I love being around friends and family whereas je loves just being with me. However,  whenever something comes up pike weddings, social gatherings with coworkers or friends,  he never declines. He frequently plans things for the 2 of us to do together but him and his friends dont hang out like I do with mine. He is always down to do whatever I  like including with friends when the occasions arise. I think regardless or being introvert it jas nothing to do with the lack of being with your spouse.  My idea of introvert is being quiet not as outgoing and always wanting to be around a bunch of people but that doesn’t mean being home silent doing nothing all the time. I think you have already treaded dangerous waters as you connected with another man in lieu of fixing the issues with your husband. I hope you understand this issue is not limited to your husband being introverted especially since you also mentioned you dont feel like he’s giving you attention. Again, separate issue and doesn’t equal introvert. 

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My fiancé and I watch TV separately sometimes because we both like shows that the other is not interested in. For example, tonight I will probably watch a show about lake house/beach house renovations while he watches Family Guy. So that doesn’t seem strange to me, but I definitely think you need to discuss what’s bothering you with your husband. And I would not go to another one of those events until you’ve done so (or until you can convince him to go with you) because flirting with another guy will not resolve your problems.

 

ETA: My fiancé and I joined a social sports league together. We play dodgeball once a week. Would you be interested in doing something like that? If you could make him go, then you’d be able to socialize with other people AND bond with him.

Post # 9
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i am the extrovert and my husband is the intro. we have been together for 7 years and married for two. he also watches tc in the living room and i watch netflix in my room. I always need my husbsnds attention so i make up some rules so i dont feel unnoitced  by him. he kisses me before he leaves to work. i asked for him to tell me im pretty everyday. and i want to have sex at least twice a week. i noticed i was most cranky or resentfull of him when i would notice my needs were not met.  he has needs as well too. as far as his introvert goes, i do go out to a lot of places by myself. but i do go out my way to plan trips and vacations and road trips thoughout the year to freshen up the relationship. get the attention you want. visit him in the living room once in a while. get ur sex on, give and get head. dont forget to plan small trip and it will be ok. he will never change but he can be flexible

Post # 10
Member
2306 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I don’t think this is an introvert/extrovert issue. Both Darling Husband and I are introverts. We still plan outings with each other. If you want to spend more time with people you can get together with other ladies and do things. The fact that you even toyed with the idea of this guy is a warning sign. I’m concerned you and husband are not spending time together.  

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Caroline1 :  hey girl : )  chiming in with my two cents here… I’m not religious, or one party or the other…I’m the biggest advocate of everyone just being HAPPY.  I guess I abide by the “life is short” thing. I’m also up to my head in wedding planning emotions and maybe not in my right mind…but I am on this.  You married your husband for a reason. One of the best things one of my friends said to me recently was (in the midst of me complaining about my fiance) “okay, but, do you ever just look at him while he’s cooking or doing something and you just think ‘god, i just love him’?”  I said yes.

 

Do you?

 

oh- and p.s. I am very introverted and my Fiance is very extroverted 🙂 Both pisces, too, to make things more interesting ha

Post # 13
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

Caroline1 :  

Divorce is of course sad and very difficult, but I am so glad you found the courage to make this difficult decision.

I just read your OP, and it was palpable to me how unhappy and frustrated you were in that relationship, just from the little you said.

It’s never worth it to stick it out with someone who doesn’t fulfill so many of your needs – life is too short to be that miserable. The fact that you so easily gravitated towards someone who made you feel noticed and happy tells me that, emotionally, you were on your way out the door anyway. 

And having read your update – that he denied you not only nights out, but also sex and affection and even time together – I am glad you left him!

Post # 14
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

I was just reading through this and didn’t realise at first it was from a couple of years ago. Im super glad to read your update, because it took me right back to a past relationship of mine – I’d never felt so lonely with another person, and its a horrible way to feel. My husband and I are both introverts, but our recharging happens when we are together. We can totally relax with each other, and don’t find it at all draining to be in each others company. And we do go out together too – we act as each others buffers in social situtions we would normally find difficult.

I hope you’re feeling much happier!

Post # 15
Member
4729 posts
Honey bee

Caroline1 :  Thank you for coming back to give us an update. I’m glad you are doing better now.

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