Married to my best friend, it's not enough?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

You’re asking about bringing the romance back, but was it ever there for you to begin with? If it was, then maybe it’s a possibility. If it wasn’t, that’s a whole different problem.

Post # 3
Member
4657 posts
Honey bee

Well, I believe that every day in your relationship is an active choice of saying “I love this person and I am choosing to stay in this relationship and be a willing, active, and loving partner committed to working together.”

You appear to be inert.  You aren’t choosing this relationship every morning, you’re just standing still until something else gives you a better reason not to stand still.  Personally, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to be in a relationship and is really unfair to both individuals, but especially him.  He deserves to have someone love him fully and actively choose to be with him.  You do deserve that, too, but right now you are potentially preventing another person from getting that as well.

So as PP said, the long term prognosis probably depends on whether you ever had this to begin with and to what extent both of you want it from here on out.  Individual counseling might be of benefit to you if you are truly lost on what you want and are just stuck because you think nobody has ever given you a reason to not be stuck.  Or marriage counseling could be beneficial to you both in sussing out whether this is even a salvageable relationship from a romantic standpoint with a little more guidance than just “let’s go on some dates and see if we can be more romantic” or if you’re just glorified roommates.

Post # 4
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee

sjk35 :  I could have written this post myself, bee. I was with my (soon to be ex) H for 7 years. When we first met, he was interested in me, but I had no romantic interest in him. We were friends for about a year. Then one day he told me he had feelings for me, and just like you, I decided to give it a shot because he is a good guy. But I never really had any romantic feelings or sexual attraction towards him. I tried for years. I really did try to be in love with him. But I just wasn’t. I went through with the wedding and all of that. But then he wanted to move forward with purchasing a home together, and suddenly I just froze. I realized I was about to make another huge mistake if I bought a home with someone that I didn’t even love (in that way). Like you, I do care for him as a person. But not in the way a wife is supposed to love her husband. There were other issues in our relationship too on both sides. I just finally realized that I was settling, and I didn’t want that for myself or for him. It wasn’t fair to either of us. So I decided to move out in May. 

I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but I wanted to share my own story so that you know you’re not alone. No matter what you decide, I hope you find joy and happiness. Good luck to you, bee. *Hugs*

Post # 5
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I 100% agree with annabananabee! Love is an active, doing word, it is not passive. I think we all go through those seasons in relationships when romantically things are kinda meh. I think it might be worth trying different things to get the romance and intimacy back. Try having a night a week where you just talk (there are lots of websites that give good questions to ask each other in order to build intimacy), try staring into each others eyes for 5 mins while holding hands etc. Aim for QUALITY time not quantity with going on dates out and such. Try doing little things for each other like writing notes and leaving them for him to find etc. Hope this helps!

i am not sure what the rules are on posting links to other sites but here is a website with questions to ask (remove the spaces): www. the spruce. com/ questions- to- build- intimacy- in-relationships- 1270942

Post # 7
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

sjk35 :  maybe the problem is that you see him as a “friend”. It kinda sounds like you have made up your mind and want it to end. He has never given you a reason to leave so he sounds like a good guy? Honestly it just sounds like you are bored in the relationship. Personally, i think it would be a mistake to give up a great relationship because of boredom. Instead of focusing on the past doubts, how about you try focusing on what you can do now to bring back some excitement? Take a trip, just remove yourselves from your normal routine. Ask yourself what you feel is missing then think about how you can fix it together. Dont just talk about it but make action

plans

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been there. My best friend is one of the most amazing, caring, respectful and intelligent peope I”ve ever met. But we just couldn’t make it work. There was no chemistry. I was constantly convincing myself to stay with him, trying to force myself to have romantic feelings for him but I just couldn’t do it – no matter how amazing he is, it just wasn’t there and I was unhappy.

Post # 9
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

I think you probably know in your gut if you can turn this around or not. I spent years with a man who was a good guy, but I was settling. I thought I could do it – I did love him, he has an amazing family, and I didn’t know how to break up with him when nothing was wrong. But just because nothing was wrong doesn’t mean it’s right, either. So I just kept plodding along and we almost got married, but then I met someone who absolutely flipped my world upside down and I knew I couldn’t settle. I wish I had ended things with my ex before I met my (now) husband because I broke his heart and I hate that. Instead of respectfully ending things because the relationship wasn’t the right fit, it got messy and complicated and my ex got hurt a million times more. Be brave, have some really uncomfortable conversations with your husband, and find a way for the two of you to respectfully move on. 

Post # 10
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sjk35 :  

Bmore Becc hit it right on the nose….You settled.  It doesn’t make you a bad person.  You went from one horrible relationship to one so drastically different you thought you hit the motherload.  You ignored the voice in your head that told you that just because a man treats you well and you get along great doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the right one for you.  Our bodies tend betray the truth that’s within us.  You’re not sexually attracted to your husband and your body is responding to that truth.

At this point, I would suggest couples counseling.  Not because I think it will fix this because personally I don’t think it will but because it’s a safe place for both of you to say the things you’ve probably been avoiding for years.  Things neither of you said because you didn’t want to be the one to ruin things and cause that person you care about any pain.   

Post # 11
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

Oh also, regarding your comment that “I justified what I was feeling for a relationship of our length”… I’ve been married to that guy who flipped my world upside for twelve years now and he still flips it. Every single day? No. We have kids, jobs, responsibilities, etc. We have normal struggles. But when we slow down and take time out for us? Yeah, it’s still there. 

Post # 12
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I don’t want to be harsh, but I think this is the cruelest thing you can do to someone. I have been your “husband” in a relationship. I stayed in it way too long.  Tthe act of begging someone to love you or sleep with you is awful. Let him go and cut all ties. It will hurt him like hell, but in the long run he will be better off. I hope someday you can also find someone to have equal love with. Because when you’re old having someone to bumble through life with is the best gift you can have. 

Post # 13
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Best friends and lovers aren’t the same thing. A person can be both, but some people fufill only one need. Are you both open to trying an open marriage? Some couples make it work and claim it saved their marriage. Otherwise, I think you know what you want to do.

Post # 14
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

When I first started reading this I thought you were just too used to him for having known him for so long. When I read that you felt wrong about it from the time he asked, and that you haven’t wanted him as a lover for 4-5 years, I changed my mind.

I understand why you thought marrying him was the right thing, but I do think you made a mistake. I almost married a guy I dated for years, but felt the way you did from the time he asked. Everyone was excited, we had so much in common, the couple everyone thought would live happyily ever after.  Just did not feel right about it, it felt wrong. I called it off, everyone was shocked. When I got engaged to my now husband, everyone had doubts. We didn’t know each other very long, didn’t have near as much in common as I did with my former fiance. My now husband always felt like ‘the one’. He was the one that I was crazy about and no matter what I wanted to marry him. Over time I was told that people were making comments like ‘they’ll never make it to the altar’ or ‘They won’t make it to their first anniversary. ‘ That was about 20 years ago and we’re making plans to celebrate our 18th anniversary.

Point is that I’ve been where you are. I know that you are already married, but sometimes the match just isn’t right even though it seems that it should be. I don’t think it’s fair to either of you to stay in a marriage that feels wrong. Not fair to you or your husband. But…..on the other hand, you’ve said you have no reason to leave. If you really don’t want to leave, at least right now, and want to try to work on it some more, then do so. When or if you leave has to be your choice. But decide how long you want to stay if things don’t get better. Before you risk getting in too deep with kids and have to deal with this feelings at your 25th anniversary vs now.

Post # 15
Member
8944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

annabananabee :  I disagree with that “you have to choose them” idea, unless we’re talking about a long-term marriage with kids or something. For dating, engagement, even early in the marriage you should not have to “choose” to love someone. When you’re with the right person, you won’t have to consciously “choose” to love them every day. You just will. Yes, there will be difficult days and difficult times, but if it’s bad enough that you have to make a decision every morning that you’re going to stick it out, you’re with the wrong person. In fact, I think the OPs problem is that she “chose to love him” after she realized it wasn’t coming naturally. They’ve been together 8 years and she hasn’t felt connected to him for 4-5 of them. If she would have ended it at that time instead of trying to choose to love him, they would both be much happier today. Why are people so afraid of breaking up? Advice like “you have to choose to love them” only reinforces whatever stigma people think there is against breaking up. If you’ve been married 10 or 20 years and it was a happy marriage but just not as exciting as it used to be, yes, work at it and try the “choose to love them” thing. But if you’re not married and have no kids, why in the world would you set yourself up for a decade or more of misery “choosing” something you don’t truly feel just because you’ve been dating for 2, 3, even 5 years? 

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