(Closed) Married with Coworker Crush

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think it’s normal to have crushes on other people or find others attractive. However, this is a case of “is the grass greener on the other side?”  It’s not. You’re forced to be around this guy every day and sometimes on business trips. You sounds like you’re happy in your marriage and might have fallen into a rut. My advice is keep your interaction with your coworker completely professional, even if he does show interest. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was the one setting himself up in flirtatious situations with a coworker? Focus on your marriage and start planning things to help spark the fire again. Go on date nights. Go on a weekend trip somewhere. Do something to put passion back into your marriage, but don’t start looking for attention elsewhere. 

Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I will not criticize but I will say one thing my therapist always says to me. Is this helpful to your marriage?  Is this relationship/job helpful to you and your husband? 

I can understand how someone showing you attention would be thrilling and exciting. But this can turn into something more very easily. 

Post # 4
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

Crushes are a natural part of life, whether you are in a relationship or not. I don’t think that you should be thrown into a panic because you might feel something for another person. Nor should you feel guilty for it—you can’t help making a connection with another person. You guys clicked—similiar interests, similar sense of humor, what have you. People are social animals. It’s bound to happen occasionally. 

Personally, I would stop interacting with that person until the crush subsided, both to distance myself but also to let him understand that nothing will happen. I know you said that you didn’t want to do that, but you might well need to decide how important this friendship is to you over your relationship with your husband. You can still hang out with coworkers, but just don’t seek this man out. Don’t sit next to him. Don’t hang out in bars with him after everyone else has left (I know that you didn’t before either). Don’t respond to his flirtatiousness. Don’t stand so closely to him that he can touch your arm and back. Remain polite but distant. 

I think saying that you don’t want to affect your friendship with your coworker just opens up the door into a world of complication and, perhaps, serious consequences. I’d think very carefully before you move forward. It might seem like just a little thing now to have a friend, chat a while, a touch on the arm … but little things can quickly spin out of control.

Post # 5
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

“I’m sure some people will suggest cutting off any sort of friendship with this coworker, but I don’t want to… I like being around him and I like going out with my coworkers all together.”

If you’re here for advice, then consider the advice. If you anticipate some of the advice you may get, then you recognize maybe there’s good reason for that. If you are really interested in advice and what is best for your marriage, then don’t disregard it. Distancing yourself is necessary to this delecate situation, which as others have mentioned can EASILY become something more, and it wouldn’t take much. Don’t put yourself in situations for this. Think about what’s fair to your husband, and whether you want to put that 10 year relationship in jeopardy for this. Think about what you would want from your husband in the same scenario. You can’t always help feelings, but you help how you deal with them, how you react to them. Right now it’s dangerous territory that you’re set on keeping that guy at the same level in your life. 

Post # 6
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Yes, it sounds like he is into you. Crushes are normal and most married people will end up having one at one point or another (and more often than not with a coworker). Try to enjoy it in an innocent way but remember that it can be dangerous … kinda like playing with fire. I’d try to avoid out-of-town trips, but you did well calling it a night instead of spending more time on that beach. Good chance that would have ended in a problem. But you know all this. 

Post # 7
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Crushes are totally normal.  As long as you don’t act on it and focus on your marriage, you will be fine.

Post # 8
Member
11498 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Over the many years that I have worked in a professional setting (almost three decades), I have had several crushes on men in the workplace. In all of those cases, I was single, and, in two of the instances, the male coworkers were married.

As a committed Christian, I knew that I could never, ever justify acting on those feelings, but as a single woman who was waiting a long time for the right relationship in her own life, I allowed myself to enjoy having those strong feelings and the opportunities I had to be around those individuals professionally and in work-related social settings.

I can honestly say that, although I did not act on those feelings by attempting to pursue a romantic relationship with either of those individuals, I spent much too much time thinking about them and caring about my interactions with them. I eventually realized that I was only hurting myself by continuing to allow myself to enjoy those feelings; they ultimately were making me feel miserable, because I infatuated with someone I could never have.

It was probably the case in both of these scenarios that God had to deal with me directly about them, but that was especially true in one of them. He made clear to me in several ways that I needed to let go of my feelings. With His help, I was able to do that.

In hindsight, I am SO. INCREDIBLY. THANKFUL. that God allowed me to go through these circumstances, because I learned a great deal about how harmful, painful, frustrating, and fruitless harboring inappropriate feelings for someone actually is. Because of those lessons, I believe I was better prepared to deal with even a flicker of such feelings in the future, especially now that I also am married.

Since my marriage, whenever I have had any fleeting attraction to anyone, I have — again with God’s help and the wisdom He provides — refused to even entertain those wrong thoughts. I have not given them any place to grow, because I realize how quickly those feelings can grow, how pervasive they can become, and how terrible it is to deal with them.

If I may use an example, it’s like finding one or two little weeds in your flower bed and ignorning them or waiting to see what happens to them. If you neglect to swiftly and willfully choose to pull them out by their roots and to throw them away, they can and will soon overtake your flower bed, and you will have one heck of a challenge trying to get rid of them.

I realize that you are not ready to hear this. Although you have no current intentions of leaving your husband, you also want to hold on to these feelings for your coworker. You do not want to let go of them. They mean something important to you, and you want to make sure you have the opportunity to feed your craving to be around him and to get the emotional high that comes with that opportunity. I totally understand that. However, I will tell you that if you allow yourself to continue down the thought path that you’re on right now, you are headed for some potentially very negative outcomes, even if that negative outcome only ends up hurting your own heart.

Post # 9
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I guess I’m in the minority camp of “crushes are NOT normal”. It’s not what you want to hear but I would take it back a few notches and keep it strictly professional. 

Post # 10
Member
11404 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You put us in a bind because you want advice but only advice that lets you keep hanging around this guy. 

I’ve got nothing along those lines because you need to stop hanging around this guy. or admit that you’re putting hanging out above your marriage.

not saying that to be mean, but the opposite actually. Maybe you can’t see what you’re doing, but we can. This isn’t going anywhere good. Put yourself first, you know this guy doesn’t care about you like your husband does. 

Post # 11
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I think it says all that needs to be said that you know it’s best to stop spending time with him but still want to. Sorry, bee, but I don’t see this ending well. It doesn’t sound like you’re putting your marriage first.

Even if crushes are normal (which is subjective), it’s not normal to understand that, and still continue to play with fire.

Post # 12
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yeah, I’m not sure I agree that crushes are normal for married people. Maybe it’s me but I can’t “crush” on two people at once- even when single. My suggestion or advice is to explore the why a little deeper.

Is there something missing from your life now that you once had? Is he treating you a certain way that you wished you had at home? Are you excited to go to work more than you are to come home to hubby? 

Good for you with calling it a night. No need to escalate anything unless you are ending your marriage. 

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

“I’m sure some people will suggest cutting off any sort of friendship with this coworker, but I don’t want to… I like being around him and I like going out with my coworkers all together.” 

You’re wondering if there’s a way to have your cake and eat it too. A way to continue getting attention/butterflies from the coworker while continuing to be in a happy/committed marriage. 

The answer is no. 

What would you say to your husband if he approached you with the same issue? How would it make you feel? Would you be ok with it? How would you want him to deal with it? 

I think once you answer those questions, and answer them honestly…you’ll know what to do. 

Post # 14
Member
4028 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
anonasker737:  

You cannot stop how you feel, but you can control how you act.

So to those who say “crushes are not normal” are literally trying to say biology and natural hormones are not real. Haha, yeah, I don’t buy that.

As I said, it’s normal to have an attraction toward other people, regardless of your relationship status. It’s a biological response that you cannot do much about. However, how much you engage with or pursue it is within your control.

I am not saying to cut off all contact, however, if you cannot keep your feelings in check around him or find that his mere presence is clouding your judgement, then you need to think really hard about how it might affect your marriage. Also, think about if this was your Darling Husband and he was going through the same thing? What would you want him to do?

Post # 15
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Small crushes and attraction are normal, but you are in charge of your actions. The fact that you’re entertaining and indulging in those thoughts and feelings is a big red flag. This is very selfish behavior. Stop asking “what if?” because it doesn’t matter if you’re married. There’s a reason why marriages take work, and this is one of them. How would you feel if your husband was doing what you’re doing? This could ultimately ruin your marriage. Is it worth it? It’s a slippery slope.

What does that say about this guy if he’s also in a realtionship? Not cool. I wouldn’t say a word to work guy about it because nothing has happened and he could easily deny any feelings. Aside from hurting Darling Husband, this could potentially cost you your job and professional reputation. You can be friendly and professional. Stop flirting. I’d read some of the threads here from heartbroken bees who have had fiances and husbands who have cheated on them because that is what you’ll do to Darling Husband if you don’t stop this.

I absolutely agree with 

View original reply
Brielle – you do not want to let these thoughts go. Be smart.

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