(Closed) Married with Coworker Crush

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

mrsnewlywed:  I am happily married and love my husband more than anything. Nothing is “missing.” However, I have felt a natural physical attraction to another co-worker before, as in a “crush.” Ironically, the co-worker was very similar to my husband on a lot of levels. I did not pursue anything and fortunately we do not work together anymore. But to assume that a married person who has a crush is lacking in their current relationship is really quite naive. Like I said before, physical attraction is actually guided more by hormones than rational thinking. You don’t have to act on it, but that doesn’t mean your body/brain won’t “feel it.”

Post # 18
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

“I’m sure some people will suggest cutting off any sort of friendship with this coworker, but I don’t want to..”

That sounds like infatuation and that’s exactly why you need to do it. You want us to tell you that there’s a way to have everything you want. There’s not. You were smart enough to call it a night on the trip. Be smart enough to call it a night on this “friendship.”

Post # 19
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

Mrs.Sugabee2003:  I was going to say this. 

Crushes are normal- especially if you’ve got things in common. 

I’d still hang out as a group because you get on and it would be weird to just pull back but I’d avoid any 1-1 hanging out or lots of texts etc as that is risky. There’s no reason why you can’t enjoy being friendly, even with a bit of harmless flirting (I’m in camp ‘we’re human and the odd bit of flirting doesn’t hurt’) As long as you are very clear about the fact nothing will ever happen. 

i don’t have an insecure husband but my flirting/hanging out test is ‘would I make these jokes in front of DH?’ If I would then it’s harmless, if I wouldn’t then I need to take steps to cool the friendship in case intentions are misread or feelings get hurt. 

Post # 20
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

The guy has a girlfriend of a year. If he is really willing to cheat on her with you, a married woman, is he really the kind of man you want???  

And seeing as how you told us not to give the advice of cutting back from so much interaction with him, it looks like you came here to get everyone to co-sign you flirting with cheating on your Darling Husband. You won’t find that here. 

Post # 21
Member
2950 posts
Sugar bee

Would you be upset if your husband had a crush on a female co-worker?  If the answer is yes then you know what you need to do.

You either control your feelings or you change your job.

Post # 22
Member
5923 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m not in the camp that crushes to this extent are normal. It’s one thing to happen to notice another person is attractive- but you literally had to use willpower not to stay alone on the beach with him and even then you were wondering is he into me? what did his suggestion mean? would anything have happened? like an excited school girl- plus you say the two of you cross over professional and friendship boundaries to flirt and he was finding reasons to touch you physically. This is dancing on some very dangerous lines Bee, in the territory of emotional cheating/ potential cheating. And you’re not willing to give up going out/ partying with him and other co-workers, even though deep down you know your feelings are inappropriate and you know that wondering if he reciprocates them should be setting off warning bells to distance yourself from him- you just don’t want to. My advice to you is to re-read your opening paragraph, but pretend your husband wrote it about a female co-worker at  his work-  would it hurt you? what would you want him to do?

Post # 23
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m in camp ‘crushes are normal’. Crushes are simply a reaction to someone and sometimes, those feelings arising are beyond our control. I think when you spend a lot of time with someone who maybe has common interests with you, a similar sense of humour, shared hobbies etc, our brains enjoy the interraction and a crush develops. It doesnt necessarily mean you are unhappy with your partner, its just something new and sometimes, that is exciting.

The thing is, you might not be able to control your feelings but you are in charge of your actions and you have two options. You either act on these feelings and thus break down your marriage to your partner who you say you are happy with. Other option is to acknowlege that the grass isnt always greener and look at what you would be throwing away to indulge these feelings.

If you are happy with your husband and want to stay in your marriage, there is only one way of dealing with this and Im going to say it even though you dont want to hear it. You need to back away from this person and build a bit of a barrier between you. I get that you work with him so you cant completely cut ties but you need to step away far enough that you dont continue to feed these feelings. Treat him in the way you would any other co-worker and avoid situations that are going to give him the opportunity to flirt with you.

I think the standard test would be when talking to this person, would I be happy if this were my husband, talking in this manner, to his co-worker? Would I be comfortable knowing that my husband was doing what I am doing right now? If the answer is no, you know its inappropriate.

‘I’m sure some people will suggest cutting off any sort of friendship with this coworker, but I don’t want to… I like being around him and I like going out with my coworkers all together.’

Do you like being around him because you enjoy his company or because of the type of attention he gives to you? I only ask this as I have a friend who was in a long term relationship and didn’t feel like she was getting enough attention from her partner. Someone in her circle of friends started showing her affection and attention and because she was missing it with her then SO, she ended up having a fling with this person destroying her relationship. She said she was driven by the feeling that her partner wasnt as interested in her as he used to be and if they werent so ‘in a rut’, she doesnt think things would have gone so far with the other person. If you think this could be a factor, maybe you should look at ways of reigniting the spark between you and your husband. I may be way off here but if you think your mariage is where you want to stay, maybe take your attention away from this person and put it in to your relationship. Dont seek what is lacking from someone else if it can be fixed where you are.

Sorry bee but if you don’t put a stop to what is going on, I dont see it ending happily for anyone involved.

Post # 24
Member
5923 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d also like to point out the double standard I see going on here. Several Bees have posted on this site that they found a couple of inappropriate texts on their DH/FI/SO’s cell phone & everybody’s all over the he’s already emotionally cheating on you even if it hasn’t gone all the way into full on pantie peeling, he’s violating your trust, he’s risking everything he has with you for the fantasy of her yada yada yada. Explain to me how this is different just because it’s the Bee instead of her partner whose behaviour has crossed many lines while leaving a trusting spouse at home.

p.s. this isn’t intended to knock you down when you’re seeking advice OP, but you already know in your gut something is ‘off’ and you feel guilty, hence the annonymity- but I worry that several posters saying this kind of thing is normal could possibly make things worse if it validates your desire to keep seeing this guy & deluding yourself into thinking you can avoid things escalating. You’re putting your marriage at risk here sweetie and I think you know that. Are you willing to do this? Are there problems in your marriage that make you willing to risk your relationship over this? Because if you’re thinking you can have your cake and eat it too, so long as you’re not in a full-on affair, there are more lines that will be progressively easy and risky to cross and you could end up losing your husband only to find out the guy you lost him over wasn’t even worth it. Better tough love for you now than heartbreak later.

Post # 25
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It is normal to be attracted to someone, but I feel that you have already allowed it to escalate by allowing it to consume your thoughts, think about what ifs, is he into me, etc. this isn’t healthy.  It’s a steep slippery slope and likely doesn’t have much to do with the coworker or your husband, but rather something inside you. You need to create distance between yourself and this coworker and set some very clear boundaries if you feel he is still pursuing you. Ultimately you need to ask yourself (1) is this friendship or having drinks with your coworkers more important than your marriage & vows? And (2) what would you want your husband to do if the shoe was on the other foot? You need to show some discipline and stop this immediately where it is. It’s not innocent and can easily lead to much more than some harmless flirting. 

Post # 26
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

anonasker737:  If this goes any further: you have everything to lose and this coworker aka potential scumbag has…a lot less to lose.

Keep away from him bee. Crushes happen, they’re no big deal. Don’t give this attraction more weight than it deserves. You did the best thing by going back to your room that night and now you need to keep going back to your husband every day and limit your interaction with this guy.

Remember if you’re noticing a flirtation, slight physical contact and mutual attraction then this is NOT a friendship. Banter yes, flirtation no!

Post # 27
Member
4021 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

mrsditobe:  this. 

OP, i know u see this as mostly innocent but what would have happened if you stayed and hung out with him. Def had the potential to turn into an inappropriate situation..

temptation can be a real bitch and most people’s willpower might not let them resist especially if put in the perfect storm kind of situation, I.e. On vacation, tipsy, nowhere near husband or his gf, alone together, etc.

u really really need to break off as much contact with this guy as humanly possible and start to rekindle UR relationship with UR husband, something is causing U to have a “crush” something is missing in UR relationship and its UR job to figure out what that is so U can put the pieces back together and get out of the rut

that is….IF that’s what u want… Sounds like UR not so sure and seem to want to continue this flirtatious stuff…. This could only go south…..what if UR husband were doing what UR doing? I bet u wouldn’t like it…..

good luck bee 

Post # 29
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee

anonasker737:  Have you considered talking to your husband about your feelings? While this would be highly dependent on your husbands personality, sharing a fantasy with your husband might bring you closer together as well as keep this crush strictly a fantasy, as it should be.

Post # 30
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

anonasker737:  So I have posted my story a billion times on here, but I’m doing it again to precisely prove my point that you HAVE to stay away from this guy.

I was engaged to what I thought was an awesome guy. My family loved him, my friends loved him.  He treated me very well and I thought I was so lucky to have him in my life.  We were very excited to be planning our wedding (and he was very involved, unlike a lot of guys).  I know it sounds cliche, but I was on cloud 9.

Then it came crashing down literally one day.  My ex traveled for business a lot.  One day I got a text on my phone (because sometimes we would use each other’s phones) from one of his female coworkers.  It was clear that this wasn’t an innocent text.  After some back and forth, I found out that he was having an affair with his coworker.

Once he got home and we had the chance to really talk, I discovered that this relationship started innocently enough – as a crush.  But instead of nipping it in the bud and realizing he’s in a committed relationship with me, he decided he could handle it.  But he couldn’t.  The crush turned into the two of them meeting for dinner, and meeting up at the gym.  He developed feelings for her.  

By the time I found out, they had really strong feelings for each other.  He had then decided he wanted to work things out with me, and I said no.  I will never forget the day I kicked him out and he stood there in front of me, crying, begging me to give him another chance.  I will never forget the hurt that he caused me because he decided it was more exciting to explore his crush, than to be a man and stay away from her.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel she’s at fault too as she knew he was with me with this all started and she didn’t stay away from him either.

Do you even want to put yourself in the position where this has the potential of happening???

I know you don’t want to hear that you have to stay away from this guy, but you have to.

Being attracted to others is completely normal.  Work crushes are extremely common.  I totally get that.  I’ve been attracted to guys I work with as well.  But, I stayed away from them and did not let my feelings develop further.  You owe it to your marriage to do the same.

And as others have said, what if your husband was in your position?  Wouldn’t you be so incredibly hurt?

If you have to work with this guy, keep it strictly professional.  No meeting him one on one, no talking to him outside of group settings or unless you absolutely have to.

Please, please nip this in the bud.  I’m not trying to sound dramatic, but I would never want someone else to go though what I went through.

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