(Closed) Married with no husband: Relocation blues

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I would try to relax, relocating and starting a new job is bound to be very stressful. I would wait until you’re reunited and both working and then see what is what. It may be that your husband is not a very demonstrative person or a romantic. In which case you’ll have to decide if you can live with that or if you should move on. For the moment just try to get settled and be easy with yourself you must be super stressed as well, I know I would be 🙂

Post # 4
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

i feel like when you get over there things will go back to normal… my future hubby doesnt show affection at all. sometimes it bothers me… sometimes it doesnt… my future hubby went away for 2 weeks with work… on the motorbike and wouldnt call me when they stopped as he didnt want his employees hanging shit on him.. hmmmm

Post # 5
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Honestly? Your story is exhausting. Firstly, 3.5 weeks is not a long time, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that you don’t get a visa immediately. It’s just not how things work. Secondly, you’re mad because your husband forgot your 2-month-anniversary? Give the guy some slack, that’s not even a thing. Sure, he could have been more proactive about your relocation process but you can’t be mad, for example, for not asking the HR manager for help if you didn’t ask him to do so. If it didn’t cross your mind, how could it have crossed his mind?

I really don’t want this to sound harsh but it sounds like there are underlying issues (maybe caused by the delayed engagement and rushed wedding? Just wondering because your engagement timeline has no other relevance to your post) and that you feel resentment towards your husband even though, from an outsider’s perspective, it seems unwarranted. Such feelings are just going to eat your relationship alive if you don’t work through them. 

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

That does sound super stressful. I can’t even imagine having to deal with that all at once and it sounds like you’re handling it all fairly well, all things considered. Try to cut yourself some slack, if you can.

However, in my opinion (feel free to disregard because what do I know? Nothing ;D), some of this should be cutting your husband some slack, too, though, for your own mental health. Like it’s not fair to just expect your husband to deal with HR for you – from what you wrote, it sounds like you just expected him to know that you wanted him to deal with that for you because you perceived them as having a good relationship. He’s not a mindreader, it may be that he didn’t feel the same connection with HR as you saw him as having, and he might not feel comfortable enough in his own position to start leaning on people in the company yet. Also the whole two month anniversary thing – unless you explicitly told him you wanted to celebrate, I would let that go, too, as much as you can.

Everything’s probably really heightened for you right now and putting you on edge just beause it sounds like you’re at a pretty high baseline level of stress at the moment. But that’s not his fault. It’s not your fault, either, since this isn’t a pleasant situation to be in, but do what you can to remind yourself that it’s not that either of you are “at fault” here.

I think a lot of this will settle out for you once you can work again, since that’s such a big part of you. Is there a way you can simulate what you get out of work in the meantime? Without knowing why work is so important to you – the work itself? being productive? – maybe you could volunteer while you’re waiting so you have something to fill your time with or take up some other productive hobby? Or maybe even just express to your husband again just how stircrazy you’re going and how much you’re dealing with and propose a more budget friendly trip that you could go on to get away from things?

Good luck! I hope things get a lot easier for you soon! 

Post # 8
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

View original reply
seb85:  Well it sounds like there is a LOT that’s going right.  I also want to emphasize that you only having to take 3 weeks off of work to deal with your visa process is amazing.  It’s also a drop in the bucket long term.

I would say don’t sweat this too much until you and your DH are back together.  Moving, especailly moving around the WORLD is stressful.  Starting a new job is stressful.  Long Distance Relationships are stressful.  Is your DH being a gem?  No.  But don’t stress about it right now.  You’ll be reunited in a few weeks and you’ll be able to work on your relationship.

As far as the relationship goes, it’s hard to say whether he just doesn’t appreciate you or he just doesn’t communicate his love and appreciation in the way that would feel good to you.  Both of those are issues…but one is a much bigger problem than the other!  He is certainly not the first man in the world to deprioritize an engagement and wedding.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.  My DH and I were long distance for quite some time after our marriage (almost 2 years, also due to visa stuff) and I very much doubt that I got a phone call to celebrate month-aversaries (nor would I have epxected it b/c that kind of thing has never been important to us).

Post # 9
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oh….and take a trip while you’ve got time off!  For goodness sakes.  It doesn’t have to be the most expensive trip around, but do something.  When do you EVERY get time off? 

Post # 10
Member
4757 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like the big stressors (the paperwork, moving, being aways from your husband) are making the “little” things feel big, too. I doubt DH acknowledged our 2-month anniversary – I sure didn’t. (We plan to be married for decades, why bother with month anniversaries?) Breathe, stay busy, and wait for things to normalize. I really think it will get better.

Maybe you can plan a big one-year or two-year anniversary vacation, since you’ll both be settled into your jobs and have vacation time by then!

Also, if you can easily afford a mini-trip, go for it. It will probably feel good to get away from the stress and the house.

Post # 11
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You’re allowed to be stressed out. I know I would be. I feel like maybe you’re reading too much into his lack of communication (ie. not having any “I miss you” texts) maybe he is just stressed out as well trying to get everything ready for you? It’s good that you’re doing stuff at home to keep yourself a little more stress free (yoga is so awesome). I hope you can allow yourself to let go of some of these emotions bogging you down and I hope that once you’re moved and back together with DH everything starts to move forward 🙂

Post # 12
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Girl, there is too much Netflix in this world for you to be upset.  Binge watch.  Go to the beach.  Enjoy some of those killer animals and trees you won’t be seeing for a while.  Sleep.  Try to overcome the type-A tendencies that are making you upset.

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