(Closed) Married with NO joint accounts

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
8943 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think the two of you need to have a serious conversation about money.  You just need to sit him down and tell him that you aren’t happy with the secrecy in your relationship about money.

You are going to need to know how to access each other’s accounts if something happens to one of you and you aren’t able to do it yourself.  Plus, even with seperate accounts, you still should both be aware of the amount of money in each account.  The fact that he took the card out of your hand and locked it in a safe that you don’t have access to is a bad sign to me, honestly.

Post # 4
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MissBlessedOne: You need to sit down and have a talk with him about this. Admittedly, this is a talk that definitely should have happened before the wedding instead of after. But late is better than never. This would bother me, too. The safe that you don’t even have access to, the squirreling his banking info away…it’s very secretive and I would find the behaviour insulting as a wife.

Post # 5
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Why don’t you have the code for the safe? Obviously your personal property is in that safe – the laminated card the teller gave you, for one. 

I’ve never heard of having to have a joint account to be able to deposit your return. I’m in Canada so surely it’s different, but I’ve heard of a lot of US couples who don’t have a joint account?  

Honestly, your husband seems like he’s being a little sneaky and I would have already hashed this out with him. Since you haven’t discussed these things before you got married, you have no choice but to have the discussion now or bury your head in the sand. 

Post # 6
3372 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We’ve been married since October 2013 and haven’t gotten a joint account yet (just haven’t gotten around to it) and I don’t care. I think having separate accounts is fine, BUT your DH taking the card out of your hand and putting it away in a safe that you don’t have access to? I don’t like that. I would be really offended if my DH did that – I’d feel like he didn’t trust me. Have you told your DH how you feel about this? The moment my DH did that I would have addressed it.

Post # 7
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Maybe he does not realize it upsets you and just thinks he is “taking care of it” I find that I do that sometimes with money and bills. I am a financial advisor so it is my passion and my DH couldnt care less. So I find that I do everything with the bank accounts and bills and all and dont ever think to mention it or involve him. Weve had conversations about when he would want to be included and when he doesnt care. It really helped me. Just have a conversation with him – i bet he isnt trying to be secretive on purpose.

Post # 8
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m in Canada so I’m not sure if things are different but we have filed returns as a couple – but not a joint return – for 4 or 5 years now and our returns come separately and go into our individual accounts.

I’ve also never heard of a joint account where you don’t have access – if your name is on the account, you should have access. 

The fact that your husband has access to your financial info but you don’t have access to his would be a big problem for me.

Post # 10
2683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is not ok. You need to bring it up directly. I think it’s fine for couples to keep their money separate if that’s what works for them. However, this isn’t working and it’s in on way balanced. 

Not to mention, god forbid something happen to your husband, you wouldn’t have access to the money in his account. It would get turned over to the state. 

Also, not having the code to the safe would never fly with me.

Post # 11
36 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013


I understand your feelings and I agree with PPs about the need to have a discussion on finances. Unfortunately it should have happened before the wedding, as I now suspect that you guys are not on the same page, at least regarding trust in one another in this area.

My suggestion is to start talking about your feelings and explaining that this incident makes you realize the need to talk. Ask him curiosity-based questions about how he sees money, what he thinks of your way of handling money, his goals, etc. Feeling heard will make him more open, so be gentle despite your hurt feelings. However you need to feel heard to. Let me know if you want more suggestions on HOW to communicate, as it’s really critical for the best outcome possible. Good ways of talking and listening makes everything easier for me and my husband!

Regardless of your matrimonal regime (community property or separation), having a joint account is really handy and can be as inclusive or as limited as you both decide. You could both transfer a certain amount of your income every month, it could be 50/50 or according to how much you make, and use the account strictly for joint expenses such as bills and groceries. You could keep personal expenses separate (even his mortgage) and pay them from your personal accounts. You could also become much more inclusive and have all your income arrive on the joint account, but I guess it won’t be in the cards for you guys given his current attitude, but who knows.

Anyway, you guys need to talk (and listen to one another) and find out how much you trust each other, and if not, what could help develop that trust. You guys do not need to have full access to each other’s accounts (my husband and I do not), but it’s important to have some common ground such as a joint account (with both names on it and two debit cards), or at least mutual trust.

Good luck!

Post # 12
8459 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve never heard of needing a joint account for filing taxes. That seems a bit odd to me.

The whole thing seems a little fishy to me to be honest. No access to his account at all? A safe you don’t know the code to? Your name isn’t on anything? I hate to say it but I think you’d be in a tough spot if you ever got divorced.

Post # 16
30392 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissBlessedOne:  Although he seems like a bit of a selfish control freak on first glance, I don’t really know him.

You can’t expect him to read your mind though. Tell him how you feel!

And soon, make an appointment with a lawyer to educate yourself about your position re any assets of the marriage. Most jurisdictions have laws that apply when couples divorce or when one of them dies. A certain amount of money automatically goes to the surviving spouse  in case of death.

I’m not saying this to be a negative Nancy.  I just believe in being educated and prepared.

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