(Closed) Married woman: How to make it work?!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

The idea that was central to our wedding vows and central to our relationship is that all our thoughts and actions towards each other have to come from a place of love and never from a place of anger or vengence. 

Sometimes its hard, when frustrated expectations or feelings are involved.  But by always reminding myself that nothing my Darling Husband does is meant to intentionally hurt me, it prevents bad cycles, petty arguments and actions that many times lead to problems.  We’ve found in our 5 year relationship that this idea is the cornerstone to our happiness and the harmony in our relationship.

Post # 4
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think friendship is key, as long as you maintain that you carry on. Don’t ever talk about quiting even in anger, this is taboo. Keep your business between you, not your mom, best friend etc. Just you and your husband. Your friendship is what gets you through the deaths of your parents, babies, teenagers and failing health. Sex comes and goes and then comes back so don’t marry for it, it’s important but sex without friendship you can get anywhere. I married my best friend 29 years ago. He is still my best friend, he is who I share everything with, who I have a family with, who sat next to me at my fathers funeral and who sat beside me when I had two babies.so my very best advice is to marry for the right reasons and marry your best friend.

Post # 5
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds so common and trite, but communication. Talk (talk, dont yell) about everything. Especially talk before  something comes a big problem. Talk about what you expect of each other in life, for the week, even what time you expect him for dinner or he expects you home from the gym. Setting expectations makes it easier for each of you to meet them. Dont assume, don’t hint. ask and tell. Communicate. 

This means fight fair. Try to listen to his side and what he is saying. Ask him to do the same. Fight/discuss about the manner at hand and dont bring in old grudges that are not pertinant. If you are discussing sharing chores, dont bring up the fact that he came home late a few weeks ago. They are different discussions.

Also, try to always show love. After awhile its easy to take each other for granted. saying please and thank you can really help a relationship. If I am making dinner I want to know my Darling Husband appreciates it. Give him a kiss in passing just because. Communicate to him that you would like the same effort (before it becomes a problem this should be a conversation)

Not only be each others’ best friends, but be your own. Keep your own identity and hobbies and even friends. Its important to not lose yourself. he fell in love with you as you were and totally changing for a marriage or person can ruin that love. 

Oh there are lots, but I think these are the 3 most important. 

Post # 6
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Wonderwoman4:  During marriage, how to make it work? How do you communicate? Do you ever think that the relationship is hard? Do you ever cry? How do you make it last for all those years throughout the stress?

What do you do to relieve stress? Like what do you do for yourself? 
What is the rules of the relationship or some ideas that may work for your relationship?


How did you do all of that before you were married? 

Post # 8
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

People and relationships are all different so what works for one couple isn’t a guarantee, but I do think some things are pretty universal. Communication is a big one. I suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages. It gives good insight into how people feel/show love and how to display love in different ways. This is one way my husband and I communicate effectively. Also, we talk. We’re not afraid to tell each other anything (although that doesn’t mean we tell each other every little thing). We’re respectful of feelings always, no blaming or shaming. We take responsibility for our actions and genuinely try to see each others point of view. There are boundaries when we argue (I.e. He hates the phrases “stupid” and “shut up”). We do our best to resolve issues fully when they arise.

Yes, I think relationships can be hard. Sometimes I am so frustrated. Sometimes I’m insecure. Sometimes I don’t want to work at becoming a better communicator. I have cried out of frustration at things my husband has done or said. These times are the small minority of our relationship though. Most of the time we are wonderful friends. We make each other laugh, we spend time together, we have interesting conversations, and share our lives together.  The arguments and hardship serve to help us know each other better.

I don’t feel like my husband is a cause of stress in my life. Nothing he does/has done was to purposely cause me stress. I always remember that when I’m upset. When outside stress became to much in the past, I saw a therapist so my husband didn’t have to bear the total burden of helping me. Now I make time for myself weekly to refresh my mind and body and keep me in a healthy mindset to be in a relationship.

There are no rules. You can only do what feels right, respect your partner, and respect yourself. 

Post # 9
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You can see we haven’t been married that long, but I am pretty close to your age, so we have that in common. 

We a communication trick that we both really love. Whenever we have to make a decision, say, do we eat Thai food tonight? or do we go to this party? we each think to ourselves, on a scale of 1-10, how much we want to go (or don’t want to, for us they are two scales). Then we tell each other. Because we’re trying as much as we can to focus on the needs of our partner, this helps us to weigh how strongly we feel. So, if he wants to go to the party a 4, but I don’t want to go a 6, we don’t go. If I only want to go a 1, then we do go. It probably seems a little silly, but we swear by it. I took a marriage prep class before we got married and one thing that my teacher shared that really stuck with me was that in differences you have the greates opportunity to show your love. When my husband was happy to order mango sticky rice the other day, even though he doesn’t like the coconut milk in it (and I totally forgot that it was an ingredient!), I felt extra loved, because he put me first. 

Our relationship is rarely hard, of course we have disagreements and every once in a while hurt feelings and a little crying (I am definitely a crier, but i hardly do anymore), but we try to keep things in perspective, and we’re very fortunate that the good times far outweight the bad. And sometimes even the hard times are good. Another thing that my teacher shared was that during those hard times you have a unique opportunity to become closer, because the two of you are going to be the only one’s who can fully understand what you’re going through. 

I was engaged before, and it obviously didn’t work out, but I used to think that all relationships were hard, that the crying and the stress and always letting things go his way were just what a relationship was. But I am so so happy I was wrong. Of course there a bad moments, but they never even turn into bad days because we recognize them and get rid of them together.

I like to take baths and showers to relieve stress, and snuggle with my husband. I am big into snuggling. Of course, everybody has different things they like to do. Read, watch movies, go out with friends, sometimes I do dishes. Clutter kinda stresses me. 

We never sat down and made rules, but they’ve evolved throughout our relationship. We don’t call each other names, we don’t hold grudges, we don’t do silent treatments. If we’re hurt or upset about something we pull ourselves together (though I think it’s ok to take a minute first) and tell the other one how we feel. Then we apologize and try to purposefully be happy. 

I think it’s important to be purposeful, put each other first, and be gratefull to have him and for how wonderful he is. Whenever I’m upset about something I think about how maybe someday my husband won’t be around and I don’t want to waste any of our precious time together being upset.

That was kind of rambling, but wish you all the happiness and I hope this helps a little. It can be a lot, but it’s totally worth it.

Post # 10
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

I will be married almost 11 years (together almost 13 years) and marriage, for us, is a lot of work. Friendship is key bc after all these years…we still are always together. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut over stupid things (not worth continuing a fight over) but we do talk through everything.   So communication is key for us. Don’t get me wrong…we still argue sometimes but they don’t usually last that long, like they did in our 20s.  And I’ve learned more patience!

Post # 11
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve been married for two years. What makes my marriage work is that my husband and I are a team. It’s the two of us against the world. Problems with his family, problems with my family, health issues I’ve been going through, finances, etc….we make decisions together and present a united front. Life gets stressful and we have date nights where we get dressed up and have a nice time to get away from it all.

Post # 12
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Wonderwoman4:  I’m still confused, then. How did you guys get past the first date,  much less to the point where you’re legally married and living together, if you’ve always kept to yourself and never learned how to be there emotionally? How have you gotten this far into your relationship if you never learned how to be in a relationship? I’m not trying to be snarky or anything, I really just don’t understand.

Post # 13
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I find that little things really add up to help develop your married relationship. For example, we’re making a point to go to a movie at least once a month, have at least one date a weekend, and at least one big trip a year. You will constantly learn new things about one another. The trick is to be accepting, supportive, and always talk about things as they come up.

Hope that helps!

Post # 15
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay…first of all… I am not going to claim myself as an expert here. I have been through one too many breakups in my time.

What works for me does not mean it works for all people. Some relationships really take alot of work.

Ours does not…. we just “get” each other. So much so, that it is scary. There is no language barrier between us. We know what each other is thinking and feeling most of the time.  If I am in a crappy mood, he will tell me I am beautiful and my mood automatically gets better. We both have the same boundaries when it comes to what is considered betrayal.

When it comes to communication, we are not shy to say when the other is pissing the other off. The relationship has been smooth since we first started dating over 5 years ago. No big blow outs where we went to bed angry, we generally bicker for a couple minutes and then get over it. He does not make me cry. Sex is important to us, we enjoy it constantly.

We each have our own friends and our own lives and interests. We love this about each other. We are not attached at the hip 24/7. I can go to a party and leave him for awhile to go talk to my friends.

Yet, we still make sure to have our one date night every week. It is never the same thing every week. We like to change things up all the time.

 

Post # 16
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Love this thread, so refreshing to hear as a newlywed. I’m bumping it 🙂

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