(Closed) Married Bees: Parent Boundaries?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think they should let you know they are coming over most of the time, an occasional stopping by doesn’t really bug me much.

As for the homes, I don’t think they should have the final say but you should listen to what they say since they have been through the process before and might know a thing or two.

Post # 4
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

  1. I expect a phone call first, but if they are in the area I don’t mind if they just pop over.  As long as they are not staying long and don’t make a habit or excuse out of it.  His StepMom or my dad are the most likely as all the rest live out of town and they are never rude about it. 
  2. As long as they are not interferring, degrading, or controling about it.  I thank goodness everyday that my mom was around when my son was young, she taught me alot but never overstepped with me.  She was very good about it.
  3. NO NO and NO

There are only two people in this relationship, and that is him and I, anyone else, it is non of their darn business.  We both feel that way.

Post # 5
1526 posts
Bumble bee

I always am the one to invite parents over. If they had a reason to come over I would definitely expect a phone call. My fiancé and I often ask for advice from both sets of our parents when we need it, and sometimes they’ve offered their own stories or experiences when they think it will be helpful, but they are all very respectful of our life and privacy. I know a lot of parents have a hard time with boundaries like that, but I think it’s important because then our choices are about us and not them.

Post # 6
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We don’t have to deal with the unexpected visits because we live about a six-hour drive from my parents and a six-hour FLIGHT from his parents. lol. But I would certainly expect a call if they did live nearby!

When it comes to our parents getting out of line, we have an agreement that we each handle our own parents. His mother gets very dramatic and fiesty at times; if she is being that way, I don’t answer the phone and I wait for him to get him to return her calls. If she’s being agreeable, I don’t mind talking to her, but we have a “stick up for each other” policy where neither of us allows our parents to trample on the other without sticking up for each other.

As for homes, I don’t think anyone has a right to tell you what home you have to buy unless they are literally paying for it. I know we are a very young couple, so if our parents have advice, we enjoy hearing it, but advice is very different from demands, IMO.

Post # 7
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over?

Yes, I expect anyone coming over to give me a heads up so I’m not caught in my underwear and have a little time to tidy up.

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok?

They are free to offer as much advice as they like, but I’d expect them to not be pushy if its clear I have my own way of doing things.

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy?

My mom was very vocal about some of the houses we looked at.  She hated a few that we were considering, we ended up ruling them out b/c of her and other reasons.  But the final one we ended up loving, she liked it also except she didn’t really like the location.  I don’t think that would have stopped us from moving forward cause it was perfect for us, but in the end, she did give us her blessing on it which was important to me and made me feel alot better about it.  (Edit: She did offer to help pay the down payment for a house in a location she preferred, but that would have required like 150k more and I just didnt think it was worth it no matter who was paying.)

Post # 8
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

1) Parents stopping by unexpectedly.

  I would really like for them to call first. This was a problem in my mom and dad’s marriage. My grandparents would stop by on the weekends, unexpectedly, and stay for awhile. It’s a running joke in our family. I think especially at first, when we’re in that newlywed stage, it would be important. Maybe when we have kids, I might be a little more understanding.

2) Unsolicited parenting advice.

  Since we are focusing on the unsolicited advice, I think it’s all about how the advice is delivered. If it’s delievered with good intentions, or as a suggestion, I am fine. If it’s delievered an one of those, “you know, you should really do it this way,” or “you’re doing it wrong” tones, then that’s not cool.

3) Opinions on buying a house.

  I could see us possibly asking our parents for advice. However, we will make the final say. We may ask for advice on how to handle the purchasing aspect, or those legal things that we’re not used to, but when it comes down to where we want to live and what type of house, that will be all on us.


  I liked what a previous poster said about her and her husband being a united front, that if there are problems with your parents, it’s your job to talk to them, and vice versa. That is what it’s about. We’re becoming a team, so we need to be like one.

Post # 9
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over?  Absolutely they should wait for an invitation or call ahead to see if it’s a good time!  Arriving unnanounced at someone’s home is incredibly rude, even if it’s your parents!

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok?  NONE. If I ask for advice, then it’s ok to give it.  But giving advice without me asking is rude and intrusive.

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy?  Only if you ask for it.  Otherwise–it’s your home, you should choose the one YOU want and not the one your/his parents want you to get.

Post # 11
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over?- Neither sets of parents would just drop by without calling.   We invite them over.

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok?– As much as they feel they need to give.  We have never had any major issues with what either sets of parents have to say to us.  We both feel that what they have to say  is always in our best interest.

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy?

– Not a ‘vote’ but they should give their opinions.  I know his parents would be more concerned about mortgage payments, and my parents would be more concerned about the location of the home.

Post # 12
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

In terms of visiting, I think it depends on how close you live and such.  I know some people might think it’s normal for their mom to drop by, some might be horrified.  My parents have ALWAYS given me heads up as to whether they’re coming…that’s just how they are.  I think that’s how I like it.

As for advice…I talk to my mom about a lot of stuff, and she’s still struggling with giving advice and expecting me to follow it.  I know she’s trying though.

In terms of houses to buy…they had no input at all!  They won’t be living there!

Basically…I take their opinion into consideration but don’t let them make my choices.

Post # 13
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

We just had a baby, so we’re more excepting of a little boundary crossing. We love our parents to help and come over way more often than before. We still do have boundaries though.

Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over? They should at least call ahead. It only makes sense, they need to know if you’ll even be home or if you have plans. Our parents have keys which worried me at first, but they only use them if we tell them to.

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok? I think it’s fine for them to give it, you just don’t have to take it.

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy? Not if they’re not paying for it. We actually didn’t have our parents even look at the house we bought before making an offer. We knew we loved it, and that’s what matters.

Post # 14
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

My hubby and I addressed this too after we married, mostly because his mother is the queen of unsolicited advice (she means well ;), and my mother and I are VERY close.


Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over?

My mother would never come over without calling first, she is courteous (although I go to her house all the time without calling, lol, I still have a house key!) – even if she is in the area, she calls first, even if just to make sure I’m home. I would say that calling is courteous, but if they do live a ways away and happen to be in the area, stopping by isn’t a big deal as long as it’s within appropriate hours (9am-9pm type of thing).

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok?

This was my issue. His mother gave us SO MUCH ADVICE and I couldn’t handle it. I think once it starts getting uncomfortable, it’s too much. When we told his mother we were pregnant, she launched into this tirade about how I better breast feed or else, and she won’t take any excuses like “my milk isn’t coming in”, you better drink lots of water, it’s best for the baby, you better do it – yada yada yada. Well personally, I didn’t want to listen to my Mother-In-Law lecture me on my boobs, it was awkward, uncomfortable, and uncalled for. I would go to my OWN mother with an BF’ing questions. I told my husband how inappropriate that was, but he couldn’t address it lol. If it does happen again, I will say something. 

It’s okay to stick up for yourself (I need to learn that). But like one of the other bees said, they can give it, you don’t have to take it. 

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy?

I think it can be important to involve parents because they know what they’re talking about, but I don’t think it should be a vote, or final say/ whatever. I talked to my dad first about every house we were going to put an offer in on. And we almost made a costly mistake with one, if he hadn’t pointed out a couple issues! Now I’m really glad I went to him.

But of course, depending on your relationships, it depends. If you have a overly-involved parents, including them might not be best, and asking another mature, older parental figure might be a better idea than including your parents. Especially if it turned into a squabble between your partner and you. Never involve the parents in on your disagreements.

My husband and I created a list of people we feel comfortable with that the other person can go to for advice if we’re having issues. We approved both lists, so now we always know that if the other one needs to seek advice or encouragement in our marriage, we’re not doing it behind each other’s backs, and only doing it with people that the other trusts (and has approved). I’ve found this is a great way to keep trust in the relationship.

Post # 15
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Should parents wait for a invitation to come over? Or at least have to call ahead before coming over?

-I expect a phone call.  In today’s day and age of cell phones, there’s no reason anyone should show up unnanouced.  We do the same if we are visiting them… I expect the same courtesy.

How much unsolicated parenting advice is ok?

-Isn’t ALL parenting advice unsolicated? 🙂  I think parents will always be your parents.  If you feel they are crossing the lines, I’d mention something to them.  I’m sure there’s a back story here… but, that’s my general opinion.  Are you opening yourself up to their opinion when you should be making your own decision?  I’ve been independent for a long time and don’t even have a conversation with my mom about certain things.  I just make the decision.  

Should they get a vote in the homes we buy?

-a vote?  why would they?  Again – if you want their input on something, they will likely have more home buying experience.  But, again – I wouldn’t even take them home shopping with us.  DH and I would do it ourselves… so, no – they wouldn’t get a vote.

ETA:  we are both extremely close to our parents.  however – we are also very independent and don’t need (or ask) their permission to do things.  Likewise, we are out of that ‘child’ state, where we seek their approval.  Our decisions are our decisions and we act that way around them.  I think the more indepedent you become, the more you will see that distinction.  I don’t think closeness to one’s parents is relative to this.

Post # 16
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My mother and father stopped by unexpectedly last week. My uncle was outside working on our front yard (we’ve hired him to do some home improvements) and so the door was unlocked. I had just finished my workout and was in the shower and my mother walked into the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom. WTF? So yes, I expect a phone call first. And don’t walk into my house uninvited.

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