(Closed) Marrying a Cop!

posted 7 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m a Police wife, although my Husband is only beginning his career. I think communication is key as well as creating a feeling that you’re on the same team. We’re open to sharing (and receiving, it has to be ‘safe’ for either of us to say what’s on our minds, no retribution) when one of us, usually Darling Husband, needs time to unwind, needs those extra hours of shut eye, or are feeling like we need to take a little ‘us’ time to stay connected. During his time off, we make sure to make us a priority which helps when our schedules are opposite and we don’t see as much of each other.

As far as his moods go, it depends so much on the man. My husband is all about b!tching about what’s on his mind. He’s not the type to withdraw or not want to talk about it, but it usually comes across pretty brash/negatively, which can be hard to deal with. That said, I will always hear him out. What’s most important is when I think he’s over reacting or needs to lighten up… I keep my mouth shut. They’re his feelings, and it was his day that I know I’ll never be able to 100% relate to. I know what its like to be caught up in the moment and how crappy it feels to be told your feelings aren’t valid. So I let him vent away (and man can it carry on) but that allows him to release and move on for good once its out of his system.

Basically, be his biggest supporter and his open (and never judgmental) outlet when he needs it. If he’s the type to withdraw when he’s stressed, don’t feel like its better for you to try to council him. Men deal with things in their own way and crowding/impeding that could cause problems. You obviously have a great FH and know what works for you during life’s daily struggles… just continue that, but try your best to keep your emotions out of it and give him that consistency he needs when he’s home from a rough day.

Congrats on your wedding!!!! 

Post # 5
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

i am a police officer’s wife (as of about a month ago!)

my Darling Husband has became a police officer only a few months before we started dating, so our entire 6 year relationship has included the ups and downs of his schedule/lifestyle.

shift work is difficult to deal with, because no matter how hard he tries, there are going to be things he misses because of work.  but, the best way i found to handle this was to know this going in – and to accept the fact that i couldnt just ask him not to go to work on a saturday, just like he wouldnt ask me not to go to work on a random wednesday.

as far as moods, ive found that there are certain things that my Darling Husband needs after/before work, and that everything goes smoother if he has those things – i.e. he likes to “unwind” for about a half hour to an hour after work, where i just let him do his thing and dont really bother him.  another key to shift work is the sleep aspect – we really try to make sure he’s getting a good enough amount of sleep, which is especially hard when he comes off nightwork (and resulted in room darkening shades and sleep masks to help)

supporting him changes day to day – there will be days that he sees terrible things, and days that he’s really proud of what he’s done – it works best for us to kind of let him take the wheel on if/when/how he wants to talk about things – but, above all, him just knowing that youre there for him and supportive is really more than you would ever know

feel free to PM if you ever need to chat, or have a lonely night work tour (although, i kind of like them because i can catch up on the crappy lifetime movies that he hates πŸ˜‰ )

and… GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATULATIONS!  17 days wooooooo!

Post # 7
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think that how important it is for you to support him is the perfect start! You might have your own recipe for how to do so, but the fact that you obviously care and are willing and ready to do the work is the important thing.

Is he just starting out, or has he been doing it a while?

Post # 9
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Congratulations on your wedding!

We had a tough time when hubby first started the job, but I think we have adjusted pretty well now.

My advice:

1. Don’t identify too much with ‘being a police wife’. Yes, you are one, but you also are so many other things. Be your family’s representative of civilian life. Sometimes, you will need this perspective, or you will need to remind him that life is not all about cops and s**tbags.

2. Learn to like your alone time. You can watch ‘Teen Mom’ without someone rolling their eyes at you or switching the channel to sports. You have the bed all to yourself and nobody snores in your ear. You can spend your weekends doing girl stuff with your girlfriends while he sleeps, instead of cleaning the shed or whatever else he would have planned.

3. Quality time! Plan dates for his nights off. He might not want to leave his XBox/Playstation/[insert distraction here], so you will have to be the one who makes plans. Even if you can only squeeze in a couple of hours here and there, it helps! You don’t constantly have to go out together, buy try to connect.

4. Try to get to know the other cop’s wives and girlfriends, and also the female cops. You will see they all complain about the same things and you are not alone in all that craziness. πŸ˜‰

5. When he is in a crappy mood, remember that this has nothing to do with you. Give him a kiss and a hug. Bring him breakfast and then close the door and leave him alone. He will appreciate it!

Post # 10
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh and,

6. On a regular basis, tell him you are proud of him, and when he gets ready for work, tell him he looks hot.

Post # 11
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@AprilJo2011: Good point for #1. Darling Husband has only been at this a year, but we definitely experience this.

The raising kids thing has us a little curious too (We were expecting in Nov but miscarried and are hoping to try again soon). While I’m confident it can work well (My Dad is a Paramedic so I grew up with shift work and oddly enough feel I got more quality time with him over my mom because of his off hours) I would still love any advice anyone has on this.

Post # 12
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We don’t have kids yet, but I’m not too worried about the shift work.  He will be home some afternoons to pick up the kids from school, and take care of them. They will be asleep when dad is at work. Also, our kids will grow up with this, so it will be their normality.  They won’t know any different.

What worries me is the teenage stage. They might rebel against ‘being the cop’s kid’ and what is expected of them as such, and might intentionally get in trouble more than kids with accountant or dentist parents. Also, if we have daughters dating won’t be easy for them what with their father doing background checks on their dates and threatening them with his shotgun, lol!

Post # 14
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My Fiance is a full time EMT and part time cop…  the shifts are odd, the mood swings come and go, but I LOVE my alone time, and expect it to be the same when we have kids.  There’s a lot of stress that comes with it, both for him and for me, but it’s all part of who he is so we just roll with it as best we can.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Being a cop’s significant other can be tough, but I find it still rewarding.  We were dating for 7 years before he became a cop so I have been there since the very beginning to now a couple years into the Force.

The hardest part out of my Dear Fiance being a cop though was him being away for 6 months in Regina for training!  That was brutal since it was hard to talk and he was so busy there.  But we made it πŸ™‚ 

So after being apart for 6 months, I have to admit it did prep me to being able to be by myself..  So I have no problems going to parties or social gatherings by myself, when Dear Fiance is on night shift or off on a course.  You become more independent and feel stronger because of it.  Working on holidays suck for sure, but you just make up for it in another way.  Sometimes night shifts are lonely, but use it to do what you want!  Often now I do my wedding planning, meet up with friends, or catch up on my chick flicks πŸ™‚

When he gets off shift, he needs to unwind and destress.  Sometimes he wants to talk about it, sometimes he doesn’t.  You get used to them taking naps often.  He plays his video games to unwind..  (Like right now haha).  I show interest in his job and ask for his stories..  And let him vent about things that might bug him so he gets it off his chest.  I fully support him and he knows it and appreciates it.  He can get moody or cranky but don’t take it personally.  He doesn’t have any tolerance for sh!t rats and the “clients” he deals with on a daily basis.

Have you read “emotional survival for law enforcement” book yet? Its quite good and highly recommended with a lot of police officers’ wives I find.  I read a few of those cop help books just to get an understanding of what they go through and the ups and downs.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Survival-Law-Enforcement-Officers/dp/0971725403

Oh, and I do love him in his uniform, he always enjoys getting compliaments πŸ™‚ 

I don’t exactly know how it effects you with kids since we don’t have any yet..  But we have a kitten and a puppy.. and sometimes his shift work, worked in our favor..  So he sometimes had a day off to spend with them while I was working (since I did normal Monday to Friday).  But sometimes having that work schedule was a pain and annoying because of how his shifts rotates, one month he gets weekends off and the other month he works all weekends..  So its hard to get together sometimes.

Post # 16
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you’ve gotten some great advice here.  I just want to add, there is a great book called I Love a Cop and it’s all about living with a police officer and the struggles family members endur.  I read it when I was a Criminal Justice major in college, but my dad is a cop so it hit home for me.  Highly recommended!

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