(Closed) Marrying an alcoholic?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

With all due respect, don’t let other people’s romantic notions guilt trip you. BTDT and this trip is not for naive. It also often ends with a broken heart, because with addiction often come lies, betrayal, theft and more. These are facts, not feelings.

Only you know what’s right for you but you don’t owe anyone sacrificing your life for their illness. And while some people have good outcomes, that is not the most likely outcome and certainly not a guarantee.

I’m going to go with yes, leave. That’s my vote. You asked and I’ve been there and I would never go back willingly. 

Post # 47
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Alcoholism runs in families. Are you planning on handing his alcoholism on to one or more of your children?

I inherited the gene or allergy or whatever from my alcoholic parent. I have always been and always will be an alcoholic, despite forty years sobriety.

Go to Al-Anon today. Keep going.

Post # 48
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I would leave. The thing is he’s never going to change until he wants to. You have to except that. Maybe leaving will give him the kick in the butt but it also could make no difference and you have to except you can’t change him. 

Post # 49
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Church and University

Run. Period.

Post # 50
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Omni Bedford Springs Resort

I know I’m late to the game on this one, and I admittedly haven’t read any of the responses, but please do yourself a huge favor and do not marry this person.  An alcoholic will ruin your life and make it feel like it’s all your fault.  If he isn’t very serious and extremely motivated/ambitious about getting help, it won’t happen.  Things will continue to slide downhill from where they are now, and at the end of it all you won’t recognise either one of you.  This isn’t a minor quirk to be overlooked, it’s a serious flaw.

Post # 51
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

One thing that hasn’t been discussed very much is the financial devastation that alcoholics tend to wreak on people to whom they are close.

At some point in the progression of the disease, they usually become unemployable.  Or, if they manage to hang on to their jobs, the alcoholic often burns through money so fast, he ends up “borrowing” from friends and family.  And, when that’s not enough, he will just steal it.

Never, ever let an active alcoholic have access to your bank accounts or credit cards.  Ever.

Addicts who are using absolutely cannot be trusted on any level.  Why do you think so many addiction counselors are recovering addicts themselves?   Because they can reliably see through the addict’s bs.

The most important thing I ever learned about relationships with addicts is this:  You can’t have a relationship with an addict.  He’s already in a relationship with his substance of choice.  He is completely unavailable.

Post # 52
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
sassy411 :  Oh my God. Ouch ouch ouch. It sounds like ‘youmaysay’ is in denial about their own problems with alcohol. Alcoholism most certainly is a disease. Even my own fiance used to say the same bullsh*t to me when I was in denial before I educated myself and took the time to truly work on it through multiple avenues of education. This is a perfect example of why our society is so hateful towards people with drug and alcohol addictions. Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic. Nobody wakes up and goes, ‘i want to f*ck up my life and depend on a substance’. If not, why do so many people hide it and are ashamed? Because they are told they are ‘weak willed’ or ‘weak minded’. Like you said, science. I’m sad that ‘youmaysay’ is misguided. Perhaps this will give them a moment to reflect upon their own internal turmoil. So sad. 

Post # 54
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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avprobeauty :  

Denial can take many forms.

Post # 55
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

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beyonddefeated :  Absolutely not!!! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL HE HAS HAS LONG TERM TREATMENT.

My abusive ex husband was an alcoholic and it just made the abuse worse. He is in no position to marry someone when his judgement is even partially clouded. He needs help and planning a wedding and getting married are stressors to even those who dont have addictions. Him having an added addiction could send him spiraling into a bottle that he wont climb out of.

You also owe it to yourself not to marry him without treatment unless you want to doom yourself to a lifetime of his problems with alcohol. 

Post # 56
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - The Plantation, PE, ZA

I seem to be really late to this one, 2 months (eek), but I thought sharing my experience and past with OP might help. Whether you’ve left him or not. 

My Dad is an alcoholic, but has been sober since 1998. My parent’s relationship had been through hell and back. My Mother even left him. They were living in different countries!!! We were with my Mum in the UK and my Dad was working in the Netherlands. He told me once that his low point was when he locked himself out of the house and instead of trying to get in through a door or window downstairs, he tried to climb up the balcony because the booze was in that room. He had no heating or electricity because of money squanders. He even went and got food out of McDonald’s bins at midnight because the food on the top is apparently ok (yuck). He’s had multiple car accidents and aggressive driving incidents, yet now he is my hero. My parents never divorced, when my father was (genuinely) serious about stopping, my mother got on a plane and essentially nursed him. No rehab, just cold turkey. They have been married for 25 years and my mother says she doesn’t at all regret staying with him. My Father has been an alcoholic since he was 19. My Mother knew when she married him what he was and she did it anyway. 

Keeping in mind that this disease can hit anyone. He is very well educated with a PhD in Metallurgy. He’s a COO of a leading industrial company. However, this may not have happened had he continued drinking. He may even have been dead, but he put his life back together piece by piece.

Roughly 4 years into my Father’s sobriety, my Mother became addicted to heroine and cocaine. That was the worst because I truly witnessed it. You have no idea how disturbing it is for a child to have to look after a parent in that state. This continued for roughly 6 years (5 of which I was looking after her until my Father demanded I live with him), to which point she admitted that she had a problem. At this point my parents had separated again, but my Father decided to step in and help her when he realised she was serious. Again there was no rehab, just cold turkey which was a terrible sight in itself. She has now been clean for 10 years.

i am tremendously proud of them for the things they have overcome and I too am stronger for it.

My DH is an alcoholic, sober for 5 years now. He did go to rehab because he was unable to do it “cold turkey” style. I don’t hold that against him. When you’re ill, you go to a doctor. What makes addiction any different? I married him knowing exactly what I was getting myself into. He relapsed once and became terribly ill. After that he hasn’t touched the stuff. 

However, NOT EVERYONE has these success stories. Also, can you imagine what it is to go through those things despite it turning out ok? It takes dedication, hard work and the realisation that you are not in control of their addiction. There is nothing you can do to stop them. This is a choice you need to make. I would suggest speaking to professionals on the matter. 

I want to touch one more thing and mainly for the PP’s. Both my parents are addicts, but I am not. I have no issues with alcohol and have experimented with drugs (I know….it’s bad). I just don’t have that gene. I don’t really drink much to be honest because I never had the taste for it and drugs just seemed pretty shit on their downers so I see no point in taking them. Not to mention all the shit it has put my family through, but I haven’t been particularly careful because of my parents’ issues with addiction. Nor am I worried for my future children (yes, I plan on having children). I am a strong advocate of nurture over nature. 

 

 

(These are my opinions based on my experience: Addiction Councillor & Adult Social Worker, and qualifications: B Social Work, BHon Psych)

Post # 57
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

for me personally, i won’t want to deal with this any further. yes he hasn’t got physical or having an attitude despite being an alcoholic, but it’s just sounds off if this continues for a long term period. imagine having a child and he’s taking after he/she while day drinking, it could just get worst. ask him to deal with it like seriously, what’s the deal of having alcohol for almost everyday? like can he get rich? and it could also cause him some serious health problems.

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