(Closed) Marrying because of pressure from church?

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 62
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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aussiemum1248:  “Ditto for 40 and 50.”

Thank you! I don’t think anyone on an online message board can really know how mature you are or that you’re not mature enough for marriage yet. Unless you say that you want to get married to have sex. Everyone is worthy of thorough understanding before we dish out our advice! And if we follow that logic of getting mature then, yeah, we might as well get married when we’re 70 or something. 

 

Post # 63
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2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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PositiveThinking:  Same here! I forgot to mention that I did what she is doing. I stubbornly married someone who was all wrong for me. That has been the most toxic relationship of my life. Oh, how I wish I had listened to people. Even if we had just dated instead of getting married long enough for me to see who he really was. No one, I mean NOT ONE person was happy for us, and rightly so. He is a piece of walking and talking garbage. I rebelled because I had been obeying others for my entire life and it was the first time I was on my own. I did not want to again be doing what others thought I should. I could see me ignoring my overbearing control-freak mother at the time, but EVERYONE else? All of the others were speaking out of concern and wisdom. This time, everyone is happy for us (those who matters to us) and no one is concerned because this man is amazing!!! She will have to learn the hard way. You can try to wait and help catch her when she falls

Post # 65
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2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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PositiveThinking:  Thanks so much, dear!!! I know too many people who pretend. What is the point of pretending to be happy? Especially when you really could be happy?! 

Post # 66
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I never attended a church where singles were looked at askance until about 2 1/2 years ago. I was looking for a church that didn’t divide people up into age groups and marital statuses etc, because I missed being in a church where I felt like I was with family instead of a meat market. I finally found such a church, but let me just say I now know why there were no other singletons in attendance! I guess I was a bit niave and totally did not expect this, but I guess some church’s have this attitude that single women (not sure how it is for the men) are to be watched carefully so they don’t go and seduce all the married men in the church. There seems to be some anxiety about getting them married off so they don’t homewreak the entire congregation. I mean, I just picked this up subtly at first and thought I was reading too much into certain things, but when I finally got engaged and we went to marriage counseling, they made us listen to an hour long sermon where, in part of it, he talked about the sin of “delayed singleness” and that if someone hasn’t picked out their spouse by age 17, what are they waiting for? That was pretty blatant right there. Also, in Sunday school one time, the teacher was talking about how it’s not a sin to marry a girl off to an unbeliever because she needs to go ahead and get married so she won’t cause “divisions” in the church or be a burden to her family. That freaked me the heck out and I tried to make sense of it and told my mom about it, but she didn’t believe they would say that. I talked to the pastor, but he hemmed and hawed and said I was overthinking and suggested counseling and maybe looking into possible past abuse, so I thought I was just hallucinating or misunderstanding or something. Fast forward a year when my fiance and I were listening to the same sermon together, we both heard the same thing and it freaked us both out, so now we know I most likely wasn’t hallucinating. Anyways, yes, the struggle is real and I definitely had no idea that once I got to a certain age as a woman, I would be looked at like that at church. It was a shock and they don’t tell you that when you’re young! Hopefully not many churches are like that, I dunno, but we are changing churches and not putting up with unbiblical teachings like that. That’s rediculous. It’s really odd because there are so many places in the Bible if you actually read it, where it says singleness is good and possibly even preferable to marriage, so I really don’t know what some church leaders are smoking. It’s actually pretty sad for singles to be looked at like that.

Post # 67
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - White Oak Plantation

We got engaged in October of 2014 and are planning our wedding for March 2016. When we tell our church family the date, they all would like for us to getting married sooner but do not pressure us. The only reason Christians have shorter engagements is because it helps to avoid sexual sin. We have prayed about it and continue to grow our faith so we know although the temptation is there, we will not do that.

 

Your cousins reponse was immature. When a Christian calls out sin or wrong-doing in that manner, it makes all Christians look judgemental. You should sit down and have a conversation with her about how she’s feeling and suggest that she reach out to her pastor about the pressure she’s feeling. He should not marry her without some type of pre-martial counseling and making sure both parties are 100% on board and for the right reasons.

Post # 68
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee

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amiona:  We grew up mormon and i remember the bishop stopping by to tell my mom that she needed to marry my step dad as we were living together. If they had no plans to marry soon then she would be excommunicated from the church. 

and she was. Then they got married a couple years later and obviously did not back to church. I get that she was not living “up to church standards” but i think putting pressure on people to marry before they are ready is not the way to go. 

Post # 69
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

I was married before and it was due to a lot of pressure from the church. I was miserable and git a divorce 5 years later. Looking back, I can’t believe I did that!  Now I’m married to the man of my dreams and had left the church and didn’t have the whole sex issue pressing down on me. 

im still Chrisitan, but I started listening to God rather than just people who didn’t know the whole story.  I was 19 at the time and not ready for marriage at all!!!!

Post # 70
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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amiona:  I agree with your point of view and I am Christian.  My Fiance and I have waited but we did not rush into stuff just so we could have sex.  We did have people at church ask all the time when we were getting married but we took our time.  I think her reasoning for getting married to have sex is a weak one to start a marriage off on as I am pretty sure that sex is not all it is cracked up to be and if she sets super high standards for that she will be disappointed.

I am more in the camp of not having a long engagement because at that point you know you want to marry and may end up going too far because you are getting married soon.  But I do not think it is any reason to rush an engagement and then a marriage.  Bad footing I think.  Granted, I have known people to rush and some are still together (but haven’t been married long) and others are not anymore.  And whether it was due to not taking the time, I don’t know.

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