(Closed) Marrying the wrong person or not trying hard enough?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What drives divorces?
    Marrying the wrong person in the first place : (33 votes)
    16 %
    Not working hard enough on the marriage/unrealistic expectations : (39 votes)
    19 %
    One or both partners change too much : (19 votes)
    9 %
    Combination of factors : (67 votes)
    33 %
    It's different in each case : (48 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 3
    1010 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @worldtraveler:  Ultimately, it’s any of those suggestions that can cause it. Many believe the root of the problem stems from lack of communication, though. Some swear it’s due to financial hardship, etc. In my case it was an abusive (ex) husband who was controlling as well.

    Post # 4
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I think it’s a little of both. But I think your opinion is much more accurate from the divorces I’ve seen. Whenever someone says that people get divorced because it’s too easy to get a divorce, I respond that divorce is hard, the problem is that getting married is too easy.I


    I think the third option also happens, especially for marriages that last for many years. People can grow apart over time. And while I’m still young, I imagine that the person I am at 25 will be very different from the person I will be at 65. So I can definitely see how those changes with age can cause people to grow apart drastically in terms of their values, goals, and needs.

    Post # 5
    1810 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I agree with your friend. I think most often people don’t work hard enough to stay married. I don’t think there is any “right” person. If you both stay committed to making your marriage work and to actually WORKING on your marriage, it will have a better chance at staying together. I think people give up too easily.

    Marriage is hard– much harder than I thought it was going to be. It is actually takes WORK. I didn’t really understand that before (and I’m sure I have a lot more learning to do as far as that is concerned).

    Post # 6
    12247 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think it’s a whole lot of things!

    I would guess societal pressures play the biggest part, though.

    If divorce isn’t acceptable in your community (religious, location, generation, etc.) you’re way less likely to have one.

    Post # 7
    761 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think its a combination of factors, and people sometimes not putting in the effort- mainly because they were completely unaware of the effort required. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. I don’t neccesarily think its often the person marrying the “wrong” guy/gal in the first place, mainly because quite frankly, I dont believe there is “one” person out there for you or that some people match you better than others; its very subjective in that case. I DO think that people romanticize the idea of marriage and forget how much work and time and effort it takes and therefore it can seem like they married the wrong person, but what they actually did was have the wrong expectations of that person. I also think that in some cases, people change particularly when you throw kids and careers and setbacks into the mix, and sometimes if two people are not good at handling changes, and communicating those shifting priorities and new wants and needs due to those changes, things just sort of naturally fall apart.

    I’ve been married barely 7 months and with my Darling Husband for over 6 years. We aren’t perfect. We don’t agree on much but we make sure we are communicating those differences, compromising where we need to, standing our ground when it’s worth it, and supporting each other through it all. It’s a balancing act.

    Post # 8
    4524 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I think it’s both/either. I know people who suck at marriage. They just do, for whatever reason, and in whatever way, and they may not even be capable of a successful marriage. Otoh, there are people who end up with the wrong person but could have been happily married to someone else.

    Post # 10
    6341 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @worldtraveler:  I think it can be down to any of those factors, or a combination.

    I also don’t think that comparing divorce rates today with divorce rates 30/40/50 years ago in useful, as it has only been relatively recently that divorce has become more socially acceptable; so, people are less likely to stay in a relationship where they’re flogging a dead horse, and more likely to split.

    For me, I will have been with my OH for nearly 9 years when we get married, and we won’t be particularly young (I’ll be nearly 28; he’ll be nearly 29). We have been through tough times as a couple, and come out stronger, and we are very compatible. However, people can and do change, and I cannot say we will definitely be together forever, much as I hope we will be, and much as I THINK we PROBABLY will be. Nothing is certain. For example, I really don’t want children, and if he changed his mind on this and decided he wanted them, it would result in us splitting. Etc.

    Post # 11
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @worldtraveler:  It depends on the couple.  I think a lot of it has to do with unrealistic expectations of marriage but it also has to do with 1) couples growing apart; 2) one or both cheating; and 3) not working hard enough on the relationship.  Some couples can  weather anything while others will divorce over something minor.

    Personally my divorce had many facets.  My ex husband was never happy in our marriage.  I had completely unrealistic expectations of marriage.  He didn’t want kids, I did.  When we had disagreements, both of us shut down rather than work on our relationship to figure things out.  To add the iciing on the cake, I found out after we separated that he was most likely cheating on me, possibly with other men.

    You really can’t simplify divorce into one or three categories.

    Post # 12
    724 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think that it’s easier to get a divorce today — women can support themselves financially and the social stigma is not there anymore. So I guess my answer is “not trying hard enough” although that’s not necessariy a bad thing. It’s better to be divorced and happy than married and miserable like a lot of people used to be. Not every marriage should be saved — sometimes a divorce is the best thing.


    Post # 13
    761 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @worldtraveler:  Guess I’m the exception to the rule 🙂 I’m an atheist who married a Christian. I love the city life, he loves the country and we live in the suburbs, he was afraid of dogs but he compromised and we adopted our puppy 2 years ago… again compatibility is VERY subjective and it comes down to what are true deal-breakers for you. From the outside looking in, my Darling Husband and I don’t seem very compatible but we very much are.

    Post # 14
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    It’s a combination of factors, though I’m more inclined to say that for *most* people, it’s the factors your friend states. Sure, there can be personality differences – but those tend to come into play more in middle-to-upper class marriages (or so they say). Lower-class divorces often tend to cite substance or physical abuse as reasons (TIME magazine here, yo). And even then, the ‘personality’ issues cited? That could be a variety of things – people growing complacent in their marriages, one or both couples getting bored, even aging can motivate someone to get divorced and to see if the grass is greener before it’s too late.

    Some of the best things a person can do for his marriage? Get married when he’s at least 25, earn around $50k a year, pitch in with the housework and raising kids, and get some kind of premarital counseling. Those factors can be divorce-busters, and they all make sense. BY the time a person’s 25, they’ve finished (or largely completed) most post-school training. Most people should be entering careers by then. Many will have had years of dating experience previous.

    Money? Another no – brainer (as well as a cause of lots of arguments, and even divorces). Couples pitching in jointly? It’s no surprise that women may grow resentful if they’re expected to handle housework, child-rearing and possibly even work solo, while their husbands come home from work and relax watching Netflix all night.

    I think a lot of the problem is that we expect hot and sexy fireworks 24/7, long after we’re married. We have unrealistic notions about love within a marriage. We also forget that for much of human history, marriage was not necessarily a romantic adventure – it was often a financial transaction. If love came, it often came after the wedding day. We often have a constant case of “grass is greener” syndrome.

    Not all of the time. I do believe that some people honestly marry the wrong person – but oftentimes, I think it’s after years of ignoring multitudes of red flags. It’s possible to be totally blindsided, but rare. I also imagine this is a more common mistake for those who are very inexperienced and young when they marry.

    As unromantic as it sounds, I don’t think there’s a “one” for everyone, and marriage is a lot like any other business deal (though of course feelings are involved). If I start a business – even if I pour my sweat, blood and tears into it, and there’s a market for it – there is no guarantee that it will thrive. It may languish for years.

    Those who resist the idea the most and spend their lives fretting over it may be more likely to doom themselves to that failure – because in all the time they don’t want it to happen to them, they often forget to do something to help prevent it.

    You may one day get divorced. We all may. The risk is there, and half of it hinges on what the other person feels and does.

    Post # 15
    1469 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    @worldtraveler:  I think it’s mostly the 2nd option.  I believe that there are multiple right people for you, it’s just a matter of finding one of them!  But I think what happens is that yes, one person changes or both people change, or something big happens that is extremely difficult to overcome.  The key is being able to get through it together and that’s a combination of compatibility in the conflicts department and commitment to making it work. 

    Post # 16
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    I think that in today’s “throw-away society’, it is a little to hard to give up, when a relationship or a marriage becomes a little too hard. (Your grandparents will have a lot to say on this topic).

    But I think that by communicating with one another, and remembering that at the end of the day, and nothing really matters, as long as you have each other, and the love, respect, and patience that you share, you can get through anything together.

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