Post # 1
My sister is having some relationship problems in regards to money so I’m here to ask for some advice since you bees helped me out so much with some recent dating advice!
My sister is a gynecologist and her fiance is a carpenter. He makes about $35,000 a year and she makes almost 7x that.
Both her and I had the night off so we decided to go out to dinner together. She told me that she just had the “money talk” with her fiance because they’ve never talked about their incomes before. They’re looking to move in together soon so that’s what sparked the conversation.
They’re wanting to build a house and I guess he feels worthless because he can’t contribute much financially. But since he’s a carpenter, he’s going to be doing a lot of the work on the house even though she’s going to be paying for most of it.
She told him that she has no problem taking care of him financially and that it’s going to be “their” money but he still feels guilty. I suppose he’s just afraid of looking like a moocher even though he’s not. He’s a wonderful man, my parents love him, I love him and he treats my sister like a queen. But he still feels guilty.
Has anyone ever gone through something like this? How did you handle it? Did it bother you or your SO?
Post # 3
@RN: It wouldn’t bother me at all.
Yes, money can be a big issue. I would be thankful that we make enough to live a good life, regardless of who is bringing in what. As long as one isn’t working their ass off while the other lounges around doing zip, I don’t really see the problem.
Post # 4
As long as we both worked hard, had similar spending habits and financial goals and could pay the bills, I wouldn’t have an issue with it. I can see how a man may have an issue with it – but at the same time, he needs to get over it! Honestly, I would find a carpenter VERY valuable around our house and sometimes wish my DH was more handy, even if it meant he made less money! There are more ways to bring value to a family then just financials.
Post # 5
@RN: My FI is an apprentice plumber at the moment and he’s currently earning about half of what I’m getting. We’ve always had our own money and in abuot 2 years when he’s earning double or more what I am, we will still do the same thing. We will help each other out obviously but most of our expenses are split 50/50 and whatever you have left over is your play money. 🙂
This will no doubt change when we have kids, but for now it works for us and it makes FI feel good about where we are at together, because we got there equally.
In terms of the wedding I will probably pay for more stuff or put a bit extra aside, but mostly it’ll be 50/50 us both putting money away 🙂
Post # 6
If I were earning bucketloads of money and he were earning a small amount I’m pretty sure we’d both be OK with it. We got together when we were both making a pittance, so it’s kind of our baseline and if one of us rockets above it, all the better. As long as SOMEONE is making enough money for us to live comfortably, we’ll both be happy.
Two of my bridesmaids make significantly more than their husbands, actually. Both couples are crazy happy and it’s not an issue for them.
Post # 7
I said no, as I currently make well over what my FI makes.. He is just changed careers, and is very good at his job, but it will take a few years to make more than me.. (at my current job, I’m going back to to school, and if I get a job in the field I am going back to school for, my pay will increase significantly)…
You may want to add to your poll, whether or not, your SO is bothered. I know my FI is bothered by it, not because I make more than him, but because he doesn’t think (and isn’t) paid what he is worth due to the career change.
Post # 8
It wouldn’t bother me but it would probably bother FI. He isn’t sexist or a macho man in that sense, but he is a manly man (I hope I’m making sense), so I do think he would feel like he wasn’t taking care of me and ‘failing’ at his duty. Which of course is ridiculous since there is more to marriage than money, eventually I’m sure he would get over it though. I also think it has to do with how your sister handles it, for example, personally I believe saying that she is taking care financially of him wasn’t a wise choice of words, since it emphasizes his fears and his feelings instead of calming them. Maybe a more appropriate/thoughtful wording would have been something along the lines of: we are both working towards our future together, we’re a team and have different but equally as valuable things to offer. In the end how we get there isn’t as important as the fact as getting there and enjoying the experiences which these things entail with each other, since that is the whole point of being in a relationship. Something to emphasize how important he is and how unimportant who does what is since it is for both of them in the end.
Post # 9
I make waaayyy less than my FI, and it bothers me a lot. We’re both hoping that eventually I will make more than him. He’s proud of my accomplishments and wants me to be as successful as I can.
Post # 10
It wouldn’t bother me. When FI and first started dating and then living together, I made about 20% more than him. Now, we’ve both had periods of grad school/unemployment and now both make about the same (he makes maybe $1k more than me).
We’ve had our ups and downs with money, but overall, as long as WE have the amount needed to live the lifestyle we prefer, we’re happy.
Post # 11
@RN: It wouldn’t bother me. As long as my husband had a job, I’d just be happy that at least he isn’t living off only my salary. 7x more is a lot so I could understand why her husband feels a bit worthless, but it shouldn’t change their relationship if they love each other and both work.
Post # 12
I should also say that her fiance has little to no debt but she has a TON of student loans. Obviously she can afford to pay them but still, he’s marrying into a bunch of debt.
Post # 13
Hmm, does she make enough to be the sole breadwinner, at least for a while?
Does he love being a carpenter or just like it?
This could be a great opportunity for him to change vocations, be that to being a househusband/stay-at-home-dad, starting up a low-upfront-capital business (whittled artistic pieces on etsy perhaps?), or maybe getting some education or training for that career he’s always privately dreamed of but never really thought he’d get a shot at.
These are some of the utilitarian benefits of partnering up. You don’t compete, even mentally, against your own team… when she wins, he wins, and vice versa. And because they have two bodies, they can do more as a team than they each ever could have done alone…
At various points in time, my FI and I have made more than the other. It wasn’t a problem.
I love the Beatles song about this… Obladee, Oblada.
Post # 14
I didn’t fall in love with my fiance for his salary.
Post # 15
I guess I’m going to be the only one here who says that I would mind. I’d prefer to not have drastically uneven incomes, particularly if my husband made a lot less. I know it would bother him deeply and he’d never get over feeling like a failure.
Post # 16
I don’t think so. Currently DH makes double what I make, and we both just kind of view it as more resources for Team SapphireSuns. The only reason I’m kind of bummed about making less is because I know I’m overqualified/underpaid for my job, but he knows I work hard at a full time job, and realizes it’s his job that at least partially MAKES it difficult for me to pursue opportunities that would pay me more. It might be different if I was sitting at home taking advantage of him. I think as long as they’re good about being open about their spending and both appreciate that the other is working hard, actual monetary renumeration for that work will hopefully be less of a problem.