Massive falling out with best friend. What the huh?

posted 2 years ago in Military
Post # 2
1246 posts
Bumble bee

This is truly unfortunate. 🙁 At this point it doesn’t seem like there is much left to do on your part. She has made it clear she doesn’t want you to contact her, but obviously you aren’t going to stop hanging out with the people who have apparently become your mutual friends. You’ll likely still see her out socially and from everything you’ve said it seems like you’re the kind of person who will conduct yourself with grace. If the larger group doesn’t want her hanging around because of her behavior they will have to speak to her about it themselves. 

Post # 3
1581 posts
Bumble bee

“She has told me that she cant be around me anymore, that has never been this hurt by someone and that I have been a really bad friend.”

What exactly did you do wrong?  I actually have a friend like this too. Blames everything on me or other people, says she needs her space from me because my expectations of her are too high, and she has no time for me whenever I ask her to go for coffee or dinner.  I have no idea what she is talking about. So I’ve stopped socializing with her altogether.  I’ve distanced myself from her and won’t make the first move anymore. It’s been years of dealing with this kind of behavior from her – she is very high-maintenance.  I am friendly if I run into her somewhere, but I won’t go out of my way anymore to include her in things I do or reach out to her.  That’s probably the best thing for you to do too. Just be nice whenever you run into her, say hello, but don’t put yourself out there for her anymore or get involved in things she does.  She, like my friend, seems to have insecurity issues.  Not really a friend, in my opinion.

Post # 6
1581 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Aus_Bee :  You did nothing wrong. She was taking advantage of your friendship and you wanted to set some boundaries – I would have done the same thing.  She is unreasonable, petty, selfish, immature and quite honestly, not a good friend at all!  She needs to get off her high horse before she loses anymore friends.  Yes, friendships absolutely works both ways. You went through a lot and your best friend should have been there for you.  At least now you know what you can expect from her.  I had to walk away from my friend…I don’t have time for her BS when I have things in my life I have to deal with that she has no idea about because she never asks me and doesn’t care about.  It’s very sad to lose a best friend you’ve had for a long time, but you don’t need friends who treat you badly and talk about you behind your back to others.  You stay positive and happy and your real friends will always stick by you!  Hugs!

Post # 7
3767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’m surprised that you’re surprised by her reaction. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, I just don’t know how, based on her personality, you didn’t see this coming. You basically implied an entire group of people were sick of her and wanted to see less of her. I’m not sure why you thought she’d take that well. It sucks, but clearly she needs a type of help right now that you can’t provide, and for your own sanity I’d suggest keeping the space between you guys for a bit.

Post # 8
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
Aus_Bee :  I suspect the problem here is that you were hoping there was some way to get her to change so you could still be friends.

you also asked her if you could have space, which suggests she is a part of your decision, which further suggests that you were hoping for her to reflect on her behavior and want to change.

she isn’t ever going to take responsibility for herself. And that means that when she’s called on her bad behavior, she will lash out and blame the person calling her out.

you thought you were real friends because you gave a lot to her. But it seems like your friendship was based on you giving and her taking. Now that you’re not green lighting her behavior, she wants nothing to do with you.

it’s hurtful to realize you’ve been used and a relationship isn’t reciprocal, but it seems as if this one is not for whatever reason. I would take her up on this distance and give her a wide berth, because she seems very emotional vampire ish. 


Post # 9
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

She’s had a run of bad luck and poor choices and nowhere but herself to lay the blame so she’s reaching. She may even get more dramatic to try to pull someone else from the group in to her spiral. There’s nothing else you can do for her. Some people just never choose to grow to the point where they take responsibility for their own choices.

Post # 10
1727 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018


Aus_Bee : I honestly think she is some sort of downward spiral crisis thing and it is absolutely responsible (to yourself) to back away at the moment. It’s good you left the door open for her (if she does get her sh** together at some point) but yeah, 100% on the boundries thing.  

Be a good friend by not putting up with being used, trying not to judge and offering your friendship not just when she needs it, but when she has had some hard realizations about herself and starts to work on them (which may never come, but yeah, if it does happen, you are there for her to offer support)  Sounds like you are already doing all of these things. As painful and disappointing as it is. 

Please try not to not take her actions personally. She is going through something and may never finish going through it. You can’t know. But it would be wrong to enable and support this kind of behavior. Wrong for you and also wrong for her.

I just wanted to support you. I think you are handling it well. 

Post # 12
3027 posts
Sugar bee

Message below

Post # 13
3027 posts
Sugar bee

Aus_Bee :  


I think that you may have to learn from the experience.

Generally, if a friend starts behaving in an uncharacteristic way then the chances are it’s because there is something happening in his or her life. You have to consider the cause first and the symptoms second. It’s better to try and find out what the problem is and then discuss the behaviour.

However, in this situation, from what you have described, there seems to be a lot more going on. It seems to me that, even if we put her bad behaviour to one side, she has been behaving in a way that is very unhealthy in terms of your friendship. For a while now, she has been encroaching on your friends while trying to lessen her contact with you. Even without the outrageous behaviour this doesn’t bode well for the friendship. It’s competitive and undermining. There may have been other signs of this in the previous ten years. You might want to think about this.

This is compounded by the constant need for support including having to finance her. (Has she paid you back, either in monetary terms or in kind?)

I think that it is clear that she needs someone to blame and you are ‘it’. When people do this they destroy the friendship and the trust that goes with it.

You’ve been a very good friend – cleaned her house, helped her make meals, walked her dog, provided a listening ear, helped with finance, introduced her to a new group of friends. You are probably wondering what you have done wrong. The answer is nothing. All you’ve done is been a good friend. Your faults are that you are a likeable person with a happy marriage and a good social group, all things that your friend really wants.

The problem is that she isn’t going to admit this to herself. It’s easier to blame you for everything.

So you have to leave it. Maybe she will come to her senses and maybe she won’t. If she doesn’t then she’s lost a valuable friend. 

The other thing is that you have a choice too. It is clear that your friend hasn’t done a lot to support you over the last year, even when you have had difficulties. 

Being a good friend doesn’t mean always being sympathetic. Indeed, sometimes friends have to tell the truth at the risk of losing the friendship. Also, friendship is not about one person always being the giver. There has to be reciprocity over a length of time. So, if your friend has always been generous and giving until this last year then it is reasonable to cut her some slack. But if she has always been inclined to be the taker or if all your conversations have been about her problems or if she has always tried to monopolize your other friendships then it wouldn’t be surprising if you eventually reached the end of your tether.

So, you can decide to proactively end the friendship if you wish. You don’t have to wait until she ends the friendship. If she is saying bad things to your friends about you behind your back then you might seriously wish to consider this course of action because I don’t think that your friendship will survive this betrayal of trust.

Post # 14
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
Aus_Bee :  I guess I’m not understanding your surprise. She is clearly on a self destructive path and doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. Calling you not a strong woman is just a self defense mechanism for her because she isnt willing to face the truth…that she has become an ugly human being. 

Ignoring the wives, flirting with the men, and going on drunken tirades is unacceptable behavior. 

She is the one with the problem, not you. And saying she is ‘one of the boys’ is her way of validating her bad behavior. 

As far as I can tell from all that you have written here, you have done your best to reach out to her. I would stop reaching out to her. She is a toxic person. If she wants to continue (pathetically) inviting herself to places and making an ass of herself, so be it. 

As my father used to say, if you want to soar with the Eagles you have to fly with them. She is a turkey. Don’t fly with turkeys. 

Good luck!

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