Post # 1
We are scaling down our wedding.
We planned on inviting about 130 people, with parents additions etc it creeped up to 170.. now we want it down to between 20-50.
However our mothers already threw us engagement showers in our respective hometowns and invited family and family friends. We spoke about the wedding date, etc.
We know its bad etiquette to not invite someone to the wedding who came to the shower. This was certainly never our plan.. things happened. budgets drastically reduced unfortunately, etc.
Any advice for diplomatically spreading the word?
Edit: No invites or Save-The-Date Cards have been sent.
Post # 2
1) Just do immediate family and bridal party with dates.
2) No advice here. You’re being really rude and you know it. The time to make this decision was BEFORE people threw you lavish parties. Obviously you don’t care and you’ll just do what you want.
3) Here’s an idea – cancel the wedding entirely. You’ll save most of your money, and it’s really the only polite way to get out of inviting people. You can say “the wedding is no longer happening.” You can’t say “the wedding is still happening, but you’re no longer invited.” I mean, you CAN say that, and you probably will, but you shouldn’t.
ETA: Uh, what happened to the rest of your post?
ETA#2: Ah, ok. You took out the part where you mention that well over 100 people attended these 2 parties and gave you gifts. You also took out the part where you and your Fiance just decided you didn’t like being the center of attention, not budget or “reasons.”
Post # 3
fredthebasil : gee thanks for that constructive advice. I think that *youre* being really rude and YOU know it.
Post # 4
futuremrssss : Obviously you were only coming here hoping that someone would help you justify your bad idea. I’m sure someone will, it just won’t be me.
Post # 5
futuremrssss : Unfortunately, I think the only diplomatic way to scale down at this juncture is to cancel the entire wedding, apologize/explain to all of your guests that you have done so, and then elope with or without immediate family only. There isn’t a diplomatic or polite way to uninvite most of your guests, but not all. Especially since many of them have already attended your pre-wedding events and have given you wedding gifts.
There have been some recent threads on this topic with a lot of good advice, so I suggest perusing some of those if you’d like some additional viewpoints.
Post # 6
fredthebasil : You know on babycenter they do the standard copy and paste so when the OP removes their post you know what the original one said. We should start doing that….
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
hmm, I’m not sure if you deleted majority of your post to avoid judgment or what but the details you’ve omitted are definitely pertinent to your overall situation. As stated above there’s no way to be nice about this major change. But you know its rude to have had guests take time to attend your showers that you now won’t extend invites to the wedding and thats that. Immediate family and bridal party with dates is a good suggestion, please at least allow your bridal party members the courtesy of a +1. Canceling the wedding is an option also, or suck it up and be the center of attention once again for half a day since that was the original agreement and is the only polite choice.
Post # 8
content moderated for name-calling
Post # 9
futuremrssss : did you already send save the dates or invites? When is this wedding?
Post # 10
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : No STD’s or invites sent. This is in July 2017. Technically “no one” has been invited officially, but I still want to be nice and considerate and let people know the changes, not just leave them all hanging.
Post # 11
Dang. What PP’s said, and frankly, you should return as many gifts as you can as well. If you had a courthouse wedding or something and those were sent to you, that would be one thing. But people brought you those gifts in anticipation of being invited to your wedding. AKA, for at least some people it was a polite obligation as much as “goodwill.” At least, that would be my guess for most everyone but the family and close friends that attended.
I know you said you aren’t doing it on purpose, but it is still smarmy to keep those gifts and uninvite those people.
Post # 12
futuremrssss : Step 1. Cancel the wedding. Get married on a different date with just the two of you or only the two of you and immediate family.
Step 2. Return all of the gifts people gave you and profusely apologize for no longer being able to host them for the wedding day.
Step 3. Stop being rude and throwing a fit when you get advice that is correct, but not what you want to hear.
Post # 13
Nope it’s too late. If you cancel the whole thing make sure to send those shower gifts back too.
Post # 14
carolinabelle : +1 100% agree
Especially stop being defensive when people call you out for acting like a spoiled entitled brat, OP
Post # 15
Unfortunately, no way to do what you want to do without being rude. You need to cancel the whole shebang and elope OR have an immediate family + bridal party only wedding. Anything other than that and you’re essentially telling your guests “Well, you were good enough to give me a gift, but not good enough for me to pay to feed you.” I totally understand that budgets change and shit happens. From reading through other replies above it seems like that might not be the only reason you’re trying to scale it down. A major budget change (i.e. due to a job loss or disaster) is completely understandable and I would be an understanding guest in that situation. A major budget change because you realized you don’t want to spend that much money is rude and I would feel hurt and taken advantage of.
ETA: You also need to return those gifts to those people. Keeping the gifts AND not inviting them is the epitome of inconsiderate and rude.