(Closed) Massively regret asking friend to be a bridesmaid

posted 8 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
727 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
charlottevkbuf27 is never coming back to the Bee after that roasting (haha)

Seriously… awful. Bad, bad, BAD form. 

I hope your friend finds better people to risk her anxieties over. 

Post # 17
326 posts
Helper bee

So your main worry is that you think your oldest friend will look ugly in photos and you’re planning to not bother ordering her a meal she can eat. Just wow. 

Post # 18
4784 posts
Honey bee

You’re a terrible friend. She is not your photo prop. And it is super easy to have a meal prepared that works for her.

Let her know that you are not worthy of her friendship now.

Post # 19
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Wow, you’re a really rude friend. I think you should do her a favor by uninviting her. Maybe she will realize what a jerk you are and break off the friendship.

Post # 20
4813 posts
Honey bee

Just end the friendship.  For both of your sakes.  She deserves better and you clearly aren’t interested in her as a person – just what she can do for you, which apparently isn’t enough. 

Kicking her out of your wedding will effectively do that because there is simply no kind way for you to say “I realized you’re too much of a hassle to bother with and I don’t want to have to deal with you.”  If what you’re looking for here when you ask for advice is ways to get out of this without looking like the bad guy, it’s not coming.  The fact of the matter is…you are the bad guy. 

Your only other option is pull your head out of wherever it is right now and give yourself a huge attitude adjustment to love and respect your “friend” for who she is and what that truly means and actually be a true friend.  That means accepting her for who she is and wanting her because she is important to you.  And that should be true for all of your wedding party – it’s a wedding, not a play.  Your friends aren’t props.


Post # 21
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

so your friend is willing to overcome her anxiety and agoraphobia to stand up for you on your wedding day but you aren’t willing to even make sure she has something to eat? 


Post # 22
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Man, this is why people hate being bridesmaids. It’s supposed to be an honor, not a beauty contest! I went with completely mismatched dresses of any brand, color, style, etc. I only asked for a color range and for knee length or longer. Even so, if someone had asked to wear a different color or not a dress at all, that would have been completely fine by me! I just wanted my friends to feel comfortable and how they wanted to look. I had zero requirements/preferences for hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry, etc. Essentially, I wanted them to be able to dress like they would if they were attending the wedding as a guest, but just stand up by me. That’s it. 

As far as the food requirements, that also sounds ridiculous. My mom is vegan so I made sure we had vegan options for our menu (a pizza truck and taco guy). I got special vegan cupcakes to go with our non-vegan ice cream cakes. We also had a couple of gluten-free guests so the pizza and cupcakes were also gluten free. I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy the food and it was so easy and rewarding to make sure they were accommodated.

I had a couple of friends miss the shower and a couple miss the bachelorette party- didn’t mind! They have their own lives, priorities and obligations outside of my wedding and I love and support that. We would have been ok if they even missed the rehearsal. And I get nervous making speeches so that was not a requirement to anyone, nor did we do some choreographed dance introduction, though I think the bridal party did walk in separately with some music. They did carry flowers but honestly I wouldn’t care if they didn’t.

Let her look how she looks and feels comfortable. If the flowers are a big deal just get matching fake ones. Offer more than one option of dress and get over her missing the bachelorette. Figure out a nice meal for her as she’s your oldest friend. Be kind and gracious and accommodating. And if she does back out, it sounds like you’d be ok with that, so even that doesn’t sound like an issue? Idk.

Post # 23
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I wish we could show your friend this post so she could know what you really think of her. 

Post # 23
308 posts
Helper bee

 Are you being influenced by all these wedding groups, media etc surrounding weddings? You sound like you’re swept-up in what a wedding is supposed to look like and having the *appearance* of perfection. I strongly advise you to take a break from all wedding-related media/forums and spend some time reflecting on your friendships and what being a bridesmaid really means. She sounds like a really good friend if she suffers with all these things but still wants to be there for you. Treasure her. 

Post # 25
1527 posts
Bumble bee

When I first saw this thread, I thought the title implied a situation where you asked someone to be a bridesmaid that wasn’t a great friend, that you were drifting, that you had a falling out.  This is much worse.  You asked someone that IS a good friend to you and want her to step down because of health issues that she can’t fully control.

Your true friends are to be accepted for their limitations.  What if one of them needed a cane, or even was in a wheelchair?  What if they had surgery and needed to wear sneakers or even a walking boot?  Your pictures are supposed to be a representation of who they are.  Dressed up as nicely as possible, yes, but WHO THEY ARE.  If there is no makeup or flowers, you still have her in the picture.  That’s what’s most important.  Our events such as weddings are supposed to be about people, not about vanity.  It’s why the most responsible advice is to invite who you want to invite and tailor the venue, food, and decor to match your budget with all the guests you want to invite.  Not the other way around.

My rule of thumb has always been to have your bridal party be comprised of those who will be in your life in the future.  This friend seems to fit that bill.  If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you want a dear friend to accommodate your limitations so you could be part of their special day?  How would you feel if you were booted from the wedding party for that reason?

Post # 26
11 posts

View original reply

 Hi Charlotte, 

It may not be as bad as you think, but if this will interrupt you have a FANTASTIC wedding because you will be worried about her. Then address the issue face to face with her as soon as possible and be honest and direct with her. Let her know your concerns and that you value her friendship but…..


Post # 27
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

Your friend sounds like she could be me. It makes me sad to think that I could be seen as such an awful burden and not a cherished friend. 😞

Post # 28
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Post # 29
1256 posts
Bumble bee

You sound like a shit friend and a shit person tbh… How do you even consider yourself her friend when you talk about her like this? Ugh. That saying “with friends like this…” comes to mind. Good luck.

Post # 31
16 posts

I may be the only one who doesn’t think the OP is out of line for her concerns.

OP, you shouldn’t have invited this friend to be a bridesmaid if you didnt have full confidence she would be there for you in the way that you need on your wedding day. Her perfectly valid mental and physical health issues may very well prevent her from doing that. It’s weird that you invited her to participate, but didn’t really want her to. It’s passive aggressive. That error is on you.

There is still a way to save your relationship, if you want to, which is to give her another high level role in your wedding that takes her out of the bridal party so she’s not required to wear what the others are wearing. Perhaps she can just wear the same color and leave it at that regarding attire. She can do a reading, recite a poem or maybe be asked to give the first friend speech. Something. Tell her that after thinking about how to best accomdate her, you prefer that she would take on another role that would make the situation less stressful for both of you. Or you can present your concerns about her participation and let her tell you exactly how she plans to ensure she can be there for you. If you don’t like her responses then proceed from there. It should not be an option that she drops out on you because she can’t deal. That also wouldn’t be ok.

Aside from that, I can’t believe the rest of the posters are being so santimonious. If I’m paying (or family) for a wedding, this sacred and special moment, I expect people to show up properly dressed and acting appropriately. It’s not possible to control everything, but excuse me, your friend’s wedding is not the time to show your individuality or your personal style as some others have suggested. If as a close friend or guest you have a personal issue then yes perhaps the host can reasonably accomodate you but that should not be an expectation. It’s reasonable in this case to try and figure out what she can eat and have it put aside for her. Otherwise it is really on her to ensure that she can participate by taking the necessary medications to show up and be present in the moment. I know someone with IBS and also know there is medication for it. If she cannot or doesn’t want to manage her situation to be there for your in this moment then she doesn’t need to be a part of the bridal party.

And OP, it is totally reasonable to want all of your bridesmaids to look the same on your wedding day. That is what a bridesmaid signs up for. There is a uniform unless otherwise stated so she can just wear it. You have a right to want everyone to look good in the photos according to your vision.

The day is about you, your husband and your families. If she cannot support that without being burdensome or recognizing that she needs to take a step in your direction then you need to reconsider your relationship.

I don’t think you’re a bridezilla but you need to handle the situation with tact. Alternatively just nix your friendship altogether.

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