(Closed) Maternal Approval?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

not to be rude, but here’s some perspective— my mom passed away 2 years ago – so i had to go dress shopping alone, the hubbs & i are planning this alone without her cheerful support, and i cant hug or give her a kiss at the Rd or reception b/c well, she’s in a coffin 6 feet under…

harsh yes, but it’s the truth! you’re lucky your mom is still around, kwim??

work with what you’ve got and try to make the most out of it – yes moms can be unreasonable – it’s what mothers do – and whatever they do, it’s from love, too much or not enough, it’s all from love…



Post # 4
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - in the woods

Perhaps, like you wrote, your mom isn’t "ready" for you to get married. With your bother going off to college in August and you getting married in November…that’s a lot of big changes for her in a relatively short time. I’m sure it’s tough for her.

What if you two go to a restaurant that’s special to you both, just to spend time together. You can let her honestly know why you have made those decisions. If finances are tight for them in November, at least you have given them a ten month notice so that they can start saving a bit each month! The wedding is not just about you…it’s about you and your fiance. Even though your home church is too small to begin with, you thought it best to start your marriage off at the same place you started dating…just be honest with her about everything.

As for your father being your minister/dad…I know how you feel. My dad has always told us kids he just wants to be our dad on our wedding day without officiating the ceremony. And then he and Mom get upset when my brother chooses another minister for his wedding! What if you have your dad say a prayer in the ceremony, to compromise and make him a little part of it and make your mom happy?

I’m not sure if you have been doing this all along, but be sure to keep her updated and involved with the wedding plans…talk about colors and themes, have her go shopping with you for the dress and shoes. Being a part of the planning may make her excited about the wedding so she won’t be as likely to be upset.

Good luck!

Post # 5
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

print out what you wrote above, go to a restaurant with your mom (public place, can’t get too worked up! ;D )  and try to work it out.  Hopefully seeing it in writing and then discussing might help with rationalizing all your plans to her.

Post # 6
62 posts
Worker bee

just because a mother is a mother doesnt give them to right to be selfish. this wedding is not about her. its about the two of you and your union. i suppose since she didn’t tell you face to face that she feels sorta bad about how she feels. but you cant leave it hanging in the air. you have to talk to her about it and clear things up or it will (as it ALWAYS does) become a bigger issue. every time some small detail gets messed up, the feelings from the previous issues will rise to the surface. you cannot satisfy everyone.  it is impossible. maybe the issues your mom has, stem from her lack of understanding of the logistics that both families have to deal with.  the reasons why you shouldn’t have it in your hometown make complete sense. how  can she argue with reason?

Post # 7
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I don’t know.  If she can’t bring herself to tell you her concerns directly, then she has no right to expect you address them.  I refuse to deal with second-hand complaints. 

The fact that she has told your grandmother all of this instead of you makes me think she knows she’s being unreasonable and she’s just venting.  She must surely know, for example, that your dad doesn’t want to officiate your wedding, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make her unhappy. 

How has she been to you?  I mean, this came out of the blue, apparently, so it sounds like she hasn’t been nasty or mean to you?  If she hasn’t, then I’d say let it go.

I’m sure our parents have very complicated feelings about our weddings, which they don’t share with us because it isn’t appropriate.  But I’m sure, too, that they need to vent sometimes about it to others.  Maybe your mother is stressed out about handling everything and was just expressing her wish that it could be put off a year without really expecting that it would be. 

Obviously you know your mom, so I could be totally off base, but it sounds like your grandmother could be passing along info that was never meant to reach your ears.

Post # 9
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I wonder if your mom is really super upset (enough for you to make changes) or if she was maybe just venting to your grandmother.  In my family, my sister and I vent about my mom, my mom and I vent about my sister…  If I have something to actually say to my sister, I call her.  So its possible your mom hasn’t said anything to you because she doesn’t really want you to actually change all your plans.  Its also possible that your grandmother has sort of blown this out of proportion.

However, I wonder how much your mom has been involved in the decisions made to date?  It sounds like you have talked to your dad.  Maybe your mom just feels left out of the process.  You don’t necessarily have to confront her about everything your grandmother said, but I do think that maybe taking her out to lunch and talking about your plans is a good idea.  Maybe she is really upset; maybe she just doesn’t feel sufficiently involved in the decisions.  Even if she’s not paying for anything, I’m sure she wants to be part of the process.  And the stuff she is upset about – location, your dad’s involvement, not your folks’ church – could be related to a perceived lack of involvement.

I do agree with jess that the thing about your brother is probably emotional.  My Fiance and are getting married in July, and will send his son off to his freshman year of college in August.  Compared to planning the wedding, there is practically nothing to do to get him ready to go.  (Buy towels and sheets and a shower caddy, teach him how to do laundry, get him a checking account, help him pack and drive him up there.  Oh, and write a big-ass check.)

Post # 11
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Your mom is (and I mean this in the nicest of ways) being an over dramatic control freak….I’m actually giggeling because really – that’s how I am most of the time as well.

So going off of how I function when this happens, usually no on knows what a’brewing inside. Then "BAM" the fury is unleashed on some unsuspecting passer by (in short – the Hive, or Mr S) and then 45 minutes later things pass by and I can clearly see the solutions through the thick cloud and realized flipping out wasn’t needed.

I bet none of you knew that I actaully had an insider look into my spaz-matic ways 😉

It’s very possible that everything just landed on her at once, and when she called Gma to talk about one little thing it then turned into an unloading of everything. Who hasn’t had a moment when one complaint turned into 5-6 with out even really knowing it? 

I’m also guessing, she’s talked to you dad about this and he’s covered all the  #2 & #4’s and she’s not happy with his logical answers so she’s looking to unload on someone who will listen and understand.

Sounds like she has some stress, and she’s over looking that this is your wedding. I woulnd’t wait for her to come to you. If this is how she normally functions with issues then she could hold all this in until the last minute and make the week of or the day of an unneeded stressful issue that didn’t need to happen. SHe told Gma knowing it would get back to you. 

Also I don’t think that you should have to stress out waiting to know what she’s thinking and worry that she’s got "off" feelings directed towards what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life. 

I’m sure in the end it will all work out just fine, but that initial talk may be rough so be prepared for it.  

Post # 12
236 posts
Helper bee

I know how you feel about the issues with your mom not seeming to want to be involved.  My mom showed her first interest in the entire event a last week. (we’ve been engaged for 4 months)  She mentioned that she saw Disney had weddign dresses now.  The only other times we discussed it I brought it up and she got mad because I wnated to have it on my dad’s family property and not hers (my parents divorced when I was 18 and I grew up on the family farm of 4 generations).  This completely confused me.  I still don’t understand why I would want to have it at my great aunt’s instead of on lonad my dad and grandmother owns.  I am the first to get married and live 4 hours away.  she may have thought that would be a temporary thing up till now and now sees it as permanent because I am marrying someone who grew up in the area where I live.

I think you need to bring it up with your mom and find out what is really going on and maybe have your dad involved too, especially since one fo the issues is about him.  They may not be cominicating either.

Post # 13
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

Remember, this is YOUR wedding, not hers.  You are paying for the wedding, not her.  If you plan on what’s convenient (physically and emotionally) around ALL your loved ones, the wedding will never happen.  Your mom does sound unreasonable and you seem to have a reasonable explanation for all her objections.  I think you need to meet with your mom and have a face to face talk.  Bring up all her objections and make her see the reasons behind your decisions.  And reiterate that you are trying to choose what’s fair for everyone – his family and yours. 

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