matron of honor backed out of reception toast last minute

posted 5 days ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
341 posts
Helper bee

This would be a friendship ending move for me. My best friend is engaged, and even though she has not planned her wedding or even asked me to be in it yet, I already know what I would say (and have had some of it in my head for 10+ years). I may or may not have some of it written in my phone already haha. 

Not only would her blowing off the speech even if she was sober bother me, the fact that she got so drunk BEFORE the reception is a HUGE problem. Sure, people drink at weddings. But one, that usually begins at cocktail hour not before, and two, your job as a Maid/Matron of Honor is to work and help the bride. To me if anyone in the bridal party wants to party, they can do it after the ceremony and toasts are complete and their job is over for the night. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some deeper issues going on. You called her a matron of honor so she is already married – are there problems? Could she be jealous of you? Or there could be a real alcohol problem.

Post # 20
3563 posts
Sugar bee

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@lauren329:  This is not good. I’m making some assumptions here with only the information you’ve provided, but I do know a fair amount about this. Alcoholism definitely has an inherited tendency. Growing up the child of an alcoholic is extremely difficult and damaging. The one thing you would think they’d never do – abuse alcohol – after witnessing and dealing with the devastation of alcoholism in their parent is sadly what many children of alcoholics do. If she really did “finish off a handle”, or even a fifth, she is deep into it and has little control over alcohol. In fact if she is that deep, she has to drink a certain amount just to feel “normal” and stave off horrible withdrawals. It’s a terrifying and painful cycle. Her non participation in helping you before and during your wedding has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her alcoholism. She’s not “thoughtless” or “jealous”. She is an alcoholic whose only option at this point is to drink.

This does not mean you have to accept it, excuse it, or address it with her. It’s your choice how you want to deal with this. If stepping away from the friendship is what works best for you, that is what you should do. If you want to confront her, do that. If you want to support her in facing her addiction, do that. Just know that if she is a full blown alcoholic, however you choose to move forward will not have a positive or negative outcome with her addiction. She is the only one that can pull herself out, and it is sadly difficult to do.

Post # 21
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@lauren329:  so I had the same thing happen at my wedding. My best friend since high school who I asked months in advance to give a speech and who was a bridesmaid, tried to not give a speech at literally the last moment. The dj only told me afterwards that when he went to her to tell her she was next at her table she tried to say no and loudly rudely complained about having to do one to a table full of my wedding party and family. 

Her speech was AWFUL and rambled on and made zero sense. Looking back I wish the dj had let her say no. If he had asked me I would have said it was fine for her not to do it. 

Here is the thing. I suspected for months before the wedding she was having a hard time seeing me get married. She was dating a guy on and off at the time and desperately wanted a committment from him and me getting married made her unhappy. I WISH I had trusted my gut and not even invited her.  

A few months after my wedding I realized my upset wasn’t going away and so I sent her an email pointing out the many insulting things she did at my wedding and how upset I was by her actions. I told her I needed an explanation and apology if we were going to stay friends. She never replied and unfriended me on Facebook. It’s been over a year and I now have a baby and haven’t heard from her. Sometimes weddings bring out nasty things in people. Let this friend of yours go. She isn’t your friend. 

Post # 22
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’d be grateful that she backed out of the speech rather than attempting it drunk.

Sounds like she may have an alcohol problem. 

If you don’t want to be friends anymore, you don’t have to.

Me, personally, I’d be more concerned about her potential alcoholism rather than being pissed about her blowing off MoH duties. 

Did she significantly impact your wedding in any way? Did your schedule get thrown off because you had to find someone else to bustle your dress? Do you think your guests missed an extra speech that much? I don’t think this is worth stewing over.

Move on either way. End the friendship if that’s what you want, but this isn’t worth the headspace.

Post # 23
10350 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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Oh please, must we jump to ‘she’s jealous’ as an instant schoolgirl style response to a woman’s behaviour. I would think it far more likely she was deeply unhappy about something and/ or has a drinking problem. 

eta l see from later posts that probably both those things are likely. 

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