Post # 1
I am be extremely sensitive, but my friend who asked me to be her matron of honor has hurt my feelings. Here is the story: First off she has no clue how to plan her wedding, and asked me for guideness, since I planned my own wedding without much help 6 years ago. So I made her a checklist of things she needed to be on top off, gave her an email with sites for invitations, and of course helped her pick a dress, and the bridesmaid’s dresses. After that we started talking about her shower/bachlorette party. Her request to me was that we try and have these events before I move. My husband is military and we are getting transfered 2 months before her wedding, so I was going to come back to be in the wedding. Anyway, her soon to be sister in law and I were just brainstorming about shower/party ideas at the bridal store, and her soon to be mother in law went off on us, because what we were brainstorming wouldn’t work for her. It was ridiculous, I excused myself from the store to make a phone call, just I wouldn’t say anything to offend the mother, mind you the mother in law had offended me and her daughter by this point, but I was trying to be the better person and be respectful. The bride was changing out of her dress, and had no clue what had happened until I filled her when we were leaving. She apologized at that point, and felt bad that it had happened. Well the mother in law decided she was going to throw the shower her way, leaving me to plan another one alone. I shared my feelings with the bride about the cost of throwing her both the shower and party, and that financially I was concerned. She said she was fine with her mother in law doing the shower, and me just doing the party. That was fine with me, until I told the bride if the mother in law wanted my help, I would be happy to, and that is where things turned sour. The bride informed me that the mother in law was planning the shower for the month that I may not be return for it. That stung because the bride before was adament about making sure I could be at her shower, since I was her maid of honor. When I told her my concern about being able to attend, and the fact that I thought my move was causing too many issues with my involvment, her respond was it is what it is, the shower is just a minor detail to me. She seems to have no care in the world about anyone else’s feelings but her and her mother in laws. I take my role seriously, and I fell it is important for me to try and be at the shower, but the bride doesn’t seem to care if I am there now or not. This after she requested in the begining that we try to have it before I move, so I can be here. It is very frustrating. I have tried to talk to her about things, and work out stuff, including the possiblity of me coming home for the shower, and doing her party at that time too, because personally our move is getting overwhelming for me, especially since we have not been told what date my husband is supposed to report, and everything will likely have to be done very quickly, leaving me little time to plan much else, and she has yet to talk to me about anything. I am overwhelmed by a move I can’t help, and by the feelings that the bride, who is supposed to be my friend, doesn’t care about my feelings, or finishing the plans for her wedding. I almost feel like canceling my dress order, and telling her I can’t be in her wedding because of her lack of care about it and our friendship. What should I do? has anyone been in a similar situation?
Post # 3
@musicalhaylo: Clearly your friend is more concerned about pleasing her mother in law than pleasing you… And I’m really sorry about that 🙁 At the same time though, I can relate to her… I have a very hard time standing up to my elders/people of authority.
It is her wedding though… And maybe you should just be happy to be hosting the party. I know it isn’t fair to you, but at the same time you don’t want to add extra stress to yourself when clearly the bride doesn’t really care. I would let it go… And try to focus on what is going on in your life. You don’t want to forever ruin her relationship with her mother in law, just so that you can host a shower…be the bigger person, forgive her, and try to enjoy hosting the party.
Post # 4
@kendra389: I don’t mind not hosting the shower. I am fine doing the party. I am more hurt by the fact that she doesn’t seem to care if I am at the shower or not. She orginally wanted me there, and now she doesn’t care if I am there or not. Makes me feel like she doesn’t care about our friendship, like she could take me or leave me. It would be easier to forgive her, if she would acknowledge she hurt my feelings and apologize.
Post # 5
@musicalhaylo: Sorry, but I kind of agree with the bride. The bridal shower is not about the Maid/Matron of Honor, it is about the bride. So if there is a date which works for everyone else, and you can’t be there, then so be it. You’ll still be the Maid/Matron of Honor, you’ll still be the one standing closest to her and supporting her on her wedding day – that is what really matters.
Post # 6
@musicalhaylo: aw, sorry I didn’t realize that was what was upsetting you the most. Did you try telling her that she hurt your feelings? She probably doesn’t realize it… obviously she has a lot going on. Maybe if you talk to her she will apologize… She picked you as him her maid of honor, clearly she loves you! And if she doesn’t apologize after you spell it out for her… Well maybe turning in your dress is a good idea. You don’t need to deal with someone who doesnt care about your feelings, you have a lot going on already
Post # 7
I’m sorry for your hurt feelings but I think you need to take the bride at her word: it sounds like she told you herself that the shower is a minor detail that doesn’t mean much to her. Speaking from experience, some brides just don’t care about their showers, especially when their overbearing mother in laws have completely taken them over and there’s no way to get them back.
It’s your job as her Maid/Matron of Honor to make this time easier for her, not more difficult. If you’re looking for a reaffirmation of your friendship then I suggest you take the bride out to coffee and tell her that you’re so sorry you won’t be able to make her shower and express how much your friendship means to you. Tell her you feel like you’re missing out on an important part of your Maid/Matron of Honor duties and an important event in your friendship. Then see what she says. Bottom line is that if she can’t move the shower she can’t move the shower, and her future mother in law will be family for the rest. Of. Her. Life. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, and I bet she would appreciate your support.
Post # 9
@musicalhaylo: I feel like since the Mother-In-Law is offering to host the shower, it makes sense that she will choose a weekend that works for her to host as long as the bride doesn’t have a conflict. I know I wouldn’t feel ok ‘telling’ the people that were kind enough to offer to host a shower exactly when they should throw it. They all gave me some options and then I chose which one worked best for me. Honestly I didn’t really consider what might be going on for my bridesmaids, because I don’t want them to have to feel obligated to come to all of them. However – that being said – I will have FOUR showers before all is said and done, so chances are good that they will all make it to at least one (with the exception of one of my sisters that lives really far away).
I don’t think she’s being “disorganized and uncaring” – I honestly think she is probably just geting overwhelmed with ‘stuff’ and doesn’t want this to be an issue, so she’s trying to downplay the importance of the shower so that you don’t feel guilty that you can’t be there.
Post # 10
If I were the bride, I would totally have said somthing like, “It’s no big deal if you can’t make it!” so that you wouldn’t feel guilty. Is it possible she knows that you’re stressed about the move and wants to take off something that might be an additional stressor?
Ugh, these things are so hard! Hugs!
Post # 11
It sounds like her Future Mother-In-Law is a handful. Don’t be upset with your friend, sounds like she is just trying to keep the peace.
Post # 12
@musicalhaylo: Instead of interpreting the bride’s words and actions as not caring if you are at the shower, are you able to see that she might be trying to give you a break? An out, if you are unable to attend because of your move, and the financial commitment to travel back and forth?
When two people aren’t direct with each other, each of you is left assuming what is meant by the other.
Post # 13
She’s going to have to deal with her Mother-In-Law her whole life, and I can understand her telling the Mother-In-Law to throw whatever kind of shower she wants whenever she wants it. I did this wtih my mother, and wound up with an insanely over the top shower at a venue I hated. I didn’t invite any of my friends, and my mother had a wonderful time with all of her friends since they like to watch their friend’s daughter open pots. My mother had a wonderful time, so it was all good.
My advice to you is to only participate in the wedding to the extent that makes you happy. If you don’t want to plan a shower/party/whatever, then just see if the bride is okay with your not being involved in those things. Let the Mother-In-Law do whatever she wants, and you don’t have to go. Just show up on the day of the wedding to support your friend, and you will be fine. The bride just might not care about showers – I sure as hell didn’t care about showers, and still wound up with two of them (my mother’s, plus one that a friend threw which was nice since it didn’t involve opening pots.)
Post # 14
I agree that she prob thinks she’s doing you a favor by giving you an out. You’ll be there for the most important day.